Did Cartman Get an Anal Probe? - SOUTH PARK

Kyle won't let Ike go to school with him and Cartman has a nightmare about being probed by aliens.
"Cartman Gets an Anal Probe" S01

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SCHOOL BUS STOP - MORNING
STAN, KYLE AND KENNY wait in the snow for their school
bus, holding their lunch boxes and debating.
KIDS
(Singing)
School days school days, teacher’s
golden-
Kyle’s little brother, IKE, bounces into frame.
KYLE
-Ah damn it, my little brother's
trying to follow me to school again.
IKE tries to talk.
IKE
BaBa Simi
KYLE
Ike, you can't come to school with me!
IKE
BaBa Simi ba baa.
CARTMAN
Yeah, go home you little dildo.
KYLE
Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo.
STAN
What's a dildo?
KYLE
I don't know... and I’ll bet Cartman
doesn't know either!
CARTMAN
I know what it means!
KYLE
Well, what?!
CARTMAN
...I'm not telling you.

STAN
What's a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny talks, but we can't understand him through his
thick coat.
KENNY
Mph rmph phrmph m phrmph mmr.
The boys all laugh.
CARTMAN
HA YEAH! THAT'S WHAT KYLE’S LITTLE
BROTHER IS ALRIGHT!!
Suddenly, Kyle grabs Ike by the feet, swings him around,
and bashes Cartman in the face.
CARTMAN (cont’d)
OW!
STAN
Dude that kicks ass!
KYLE
Yeah! Check this one out!
(to Ike)
Ready Ike? Kick the baby
IKE
Don’t kick the baby.
KYLE
Kick the baby.
Kyle kicks his brother down the icy road.
IKE
Wahhhhh!
Ike shoots down the road with a playful scream, and
crashes head first into a group of mail boxes.
Cartman yawns grotesquely.
STAN
Whoa, Cartman, looks like you didn't
get much sleep last night.
CARTMAN

That's 'cause I was having these bogus
nightmares.
KYLE
Really, what about?
CARTMAN
Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my
bed... In the dark...
INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - DREAM SEQUENCE
Cartman is lying in his bed.
CARTMAN(V.O.)
...When all of a sudden this bright
blue light filled the room.
A bright light fills the room.
CARTMAN(V.O.)
And slowly my bedroom door began to
open... And then the next thing I
remember, I was being drug through a
hallway!
INT. ALIEN SHIP - DREAM SEQUENCE
Cartman is being dragged by his ankles down a dark,
organic corridor like the one seen in 'Fire In The Sky'.
CARTMAN(V.O.)
Then I was lying on a table, and these
scary aliens wanted to operate on me!
And they had big heads... And big
black eyes-
EXT. BUSSTOP - (REALITY)
The boys are listening to Cartman's story with wide eyes
and open mouths. Even little Ike is enthralled.
STAN
Dude! Visitors!
KYLE
Totally!
CARTMAN
What?

STAN
That wasn't a dream, Cartman, those
were visitors!
CARTMAN
(Nervous)
No, it was just a dream. My mom said
so!
STAN
Visitors are real!
KYLE
Yeah, they abduct people and they
mutilate cows!
CARTMAN
Ah shut up, you guys, you're just
trying to make me scared, and it's not
working.
A large Chevy screeches to a halt. CHEF gets out of the
car and approaches the kids.
CHEF
Hello there, children.
KIDS
Hey, Chef.
STAN
What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
CHEF
Well, today it's Salisbury steak with
buttered noodles and a choice of green
bean casserole or vegetable medley.
CARTMAN
Kick ass!
CHEF
Say, did any of you children see the
alien spaceship last night?
CARTMAN
HUH?!
STAN

Yeah, fat boy saw it!
CARTMAN
No! Th-That was just a dream! And I'm
NOT fat, I'm big-boned.
CHEF
(To Cartman)
Oh, Was it the ones with the big long
heads and the black eyes?
CARTMAN
(PETRIFIED)
AH!
STAN
They took him on their ship!
CHEF
Ooh... Did they give you an anal
probe?
CARTMAN
AGH!
STAN
What's an anal probe?
CHEF
That's when they put this big metal
hoop-a-joo up your butt.
KYLE
Woa! They gave you an anal probe,
Cartman?
CARTMAN
(Defensive)
No! I mean... Uh... Why would they do
that?
STAN
Dude, they DID huh? Aliens stuck stuff
up your ass!
CARTMAN
NO!
IKE

Ana Pobe!
CARTMAN
SHUT UP, DILDO!
CHEF
Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria.
You children watch that fat boy now,
he could be under alien control.
Chef turns to get back in his car and Cartman notices
that the back of Chef's shirt has an EXACT image of the
alien he saw, and the word 'Believe'.
CHEF peels off.
KYLE
We told you they were real Cartman.
Sorry to hear about your ass.
CARTMAN
(Extremely angry)
God Dammit, they didn't do anything to
my ass! It was just a dream!
The school bus pulls up and the boys start getting on.
KYLE
Why are you walking so funny, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Shut up!
Little Ike tries to follow his brother onto the bus.
IKE
I’ll bla bblaa blaa
KYLE
No, Ike! Go home!
Kyle gets ready to kick his brother.
IKE
Bla Wa Wah
KYLE (cont’d)
This is it!! This one’s for the game.

IKE
Bllaa aaahh haah
KYLE
Kick the baby.
Kyle kicks his brother through the school bus window, and
IKE flies into a snowbank.

[ForeverYoruzuya]

The days when Cartman would tell them to screw you guys I'm going home.

[Hola-tqpg]

Ahh the times of the first seasons... when Cartman was just as annoying brat, Kyle and Stan were pretty much the same character, Kenny died in every episode, Pip had the role of Butters, Wendy was the stereotypical girl from the show, Chef always gave advices to the kids, Uncle Jimbo was more of a father to Stan than Randy, Garrison was just the weirdo from the town, Barbrady was the only cop from the town, Liane was more of a slut than a mother with no idea how to control his kid and Randy was just another background character

[JMAR_GAMES]

“School days, school days, teacher’s golden- Aw, damn it! My little brother is trying to follow me to school again!” *And so it began*

[auxilium]

Something about the first episode is unbelievably nostalgic to me. Not only was it the first episode I watched, but the fact that it was made using real paper and the voices still sounded primitive just pull it together. It just feels like home for some reason. God, I love this pilot.

[darkshat]

Literally everyone’s voice was different, cartmans was more annoying, and everyone looked tinier

[ForeverYoruzuya]

Those were simpler times. Makes me wish they did an episode like this again.

[jimskywalker]

I Wish They Would Restore South Park: Pre-TV On Blu-ray!
1. The Spirit Of Christmas: Jesus Vs Frosty
2. The Spirit Of Christmas: Jesus Vs Santa
3. The Unaired Pilot

[seanoreilly]

Remember when mothers going crazy about this cartoon was our biggest problem?

[rmn]

25 years later, and this show still manages to make us all laugh.

[musiclover-guzd]

0:40 imagine if their parents saw that

[ComicalRealm]

1:47 "i'm not fat i'm big boned" 😂

[nyancatpoptart]

It really is crazy how different the new episodes are from the first early seasons. This episode in particular it almost seems like Kyle and Cartman aren't mortal enemies... They're just little kids being kids.

[Tadicuslegion]

OH for the days when Cartman's voice was fatter and more southern.

[hrishudevulapalli]

The beginning of the greatest television show

[birbking]

Everyone: is this the long awaited new season that's going to be chaotic because 2020?
South Park: Nope!

[mirzaiscandle]

"Hello there children"
I miss Chef

[jmendez]

I like how most of the episode is literally them staring into our soul

[untappedpotential]

We need a Craig and those guys episode in Season 24. Don’t forget Jimmy

[TheWaynelds]

Season 1 will forever be my favorite. I miss that old essence it used to have in its first couple years. The episodes of this last decade just don’t do it for me, but I did really enjoy the scenes from Stick Of Truth and FBW.

[vnceclone]

Old South Park really looks like it was animated by paper