Don't fall into the trap of self-gaslighting

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[janeloraine]

YES! I called it self-policing before I learned about narcissism. My goal is to stop a lifetime of self judgement and condemnation, aka: self gaslighting. Thank you for your insights.

[MsShannaK]

The more she talks the more I feel like I need to deeply apologize to myself. Not like poor me….. but GIRL IM SO SORRY !!!! Here let me help you. It’s so intense. This is so deeply helpful. 😭 I tired not to cry but … I’m a lil sensitive… I’m not sorry about that tho.

💕

[pallavishankar]

"too sensitive" is like a red flag to me now.... When someone says it in a way which implies it's your fault you're feeling this way about something they did, I know to trust my instincts and not brush it off as me having a bad day.
Before I knew how truly damaging this was, I thought it completely normal when other women tried to define my idea of marriage and family structures, their support of patriarchy, the need to adjust and compromise as a prerequisite to a happy life.
I think as a young woman I was encouraged to gaslight myself by different "well meaning" people in my life so they would not feel uncomfortable around me. It is something that is considered practical because otherwise how will you find a partner or fit in with your in-laws. I am too sensitive because I registered the situation for what it was. Calling it out is labelled craziness and " emotional woman" behaviour. So to appear less crazy we swallow the nonsense and then on top of it, gaslight ourselves because if you're smart enough to know what's wrong, you're not going to be able to sit in the same room with these people for long.

[lilylady]

I was brought up to gaslight myself. Every thing you said Dr Ramani fits me. All the steps. I continued with this throughout my life until recently. I've been a magnet for Narcs and I deferred to them. But I have been doing better. Yet it has been a lot of work. A lot of hurt. A lot of loss. But yes now I am not under any Narc's influence over me. I stopped deferring. It's a practice. I am listening to ME.

[earthsaylove]

For me it was a maladaptive survival skill tied into “LOYALTY, ” being there and protecting my abusers from the consequences, of their own actions, due to severe trauma bonding. Decades of peeling off the indoctrination after.

[candzbrad]

I have so much compassion for my younger self.. Sending love and strength to everyone who has gone through this ✨

Thank you for your valuable content Dr Ramani 🙏

[AngSco]

I can really relate to this. I self-gaslighted myself throughout my relationship with my narc ex. I would constantly tell myself I was wrong to feel this way or that way. It makes you easy prey for the narc. Trust your gut and if you spot red-flags, don't ignore them. You'll end up hating yourself which doesn't help anyone, least of all you.

[barryosullivan]

I think the word 'trap' period describes so well what it is like to deal with a narc, especially if the narc happens to be a close family member. They set so many traps and so many of us, ourselves included, fall into them. I think the biggest trap is the belief that these kind of folks can change or improve and I think really we have to learn so much discipline and self control when dealing with these people. Most recently when my Uncle died and the family comes together you are so tempted to believe that they have changed and to reignite your relationship with them because it is only natural that we bond with family. But the truth is is that you can never let your guard down with these kind of people.

[mcj]

Im feeling so sad and relieved right now.

Now I get why I shut down when conflict arises in any area of my life and I feel like I adopt a different persona. I dissociate. I self-gaslight in order to stop the abuse even now.

Now I understand why I endured narc abuse as an adult and how wrong I was for shaming myself for it...
As soon as a situation had any kind of tension in any relationship (even healthy ones) I behaved in the most effective way that I learnt in childhood: by not standing up for myself, nodding to any "truth" I was told about myself, crying silently, saying sorry and being ready for another round of abuse and endure it. Sometimes I even had to agree with what I was told repeating it out loud.

I also learnt that no one would help me and that I would be told to endure the situation and that there may be some truth in the abuser's comments. Worst even is, that I was taught by other family members that I was doing something "good", I was being a good "girl" for accepting my abuser's behaviour and not standing up for myself. I was taught that being a martyr was a good thing.

Thanks for making sense of this current mess I was in, Doc and wash the shame out of me.

[kasey]

I've had self doubt my entire life. I was raised by a narc Mom. Honestly, this behavior is over as far as I'm concerned. These people are so destructive. Never ever will I let these toxic predators into my life. I'd rather live my life alone than be subject to this mental dysfunction. Thank you again Dr. R.

[MsShannaK]

The timing is tripping me out I was really literally talking myself out of the loop again……. I refuse to make go to him while he’s fussy because I won’t bend to his stomping around the house. You wanna stomp around ? You put yourself in this situation sir.

I’ve been doing this to myself for 20 years. Hindsight is so clear. Thank you so much doctor omg

[lisakilpatrick]

This video was my a-ha moment! I gaslighted myself the entire relationship!! That is why it lasted a year and not just a couple of months. Every time I watch your videos there is clarification. I wish you could broadcast on prime time tv! This would get the message out more mainstream to people that are experiencing narcissistic abuse but don’t even know what’s happening! Narcissism is the pandemic we should all be focused on!! Love you Dr.

[lisakilpatrick]

The life was sucked out of me. I’m healing and still in disbelief that these creatures exist!! Thank you for giving such important and life saving information,

[nazhadkathrada]

I've always gaslighted myself, most of the time thinking it was my fault.
After 39 yrs of relationship I learned about narcissism and finally understood everything
I've left him, had therapy and thanks God feeling better now. Dr Ramani's videos had been a great help. Thanks Dr Ramani.

[daleswain]

Yep! I definitely have done this for a very long time. I always said I would rather hear the derogatory words from my mouth than theirs as it felt like death when they would do it, I didn't realize the harm it was still doing to me and how it enabled them. Since I started the Healing Program, my BFF has agreed to help me catch it when I do it... just a few weeks of her help and I am already beginning to hear myself when I do it. Awareness is everything in making a change.

[rcomyns]

I'm hugging myself right now, and I'd hug Dr Ramani if I could. Two years of her help and I'm finally feeling balance and discovering my inner joy. I had forgotten it was there.

[jansonalthavvver]

I ALWAYS have taken the "low road" in relationships with narcisists and assumed that I was the one who needed to change. While I know I am codependent, I am releasing myself from assuming that I am the only one to blame. I deserve someone who is emotionally available and who reciprocates love and affection....

[lycalohex]

Exactly this! I've been gaslit for as long as I can remember, so much so that self-gaslighting has just become a part of the way I navigate life. Lately, now that I'm becoming aware of this delusional thinking, I've been working to undo it and heal, but it's so difficult. I'm so used to taking the blame for everything in narcissistic relationships and ending conflicts by apologizing, even when I've done nothing wrong—and often apologizing when I was explicitly the one being lied to, or insulted, or belittled, or any number of things.

Now that I'm wise to this, I find I'm struggling with hyper vigilance with regards to gaslighting, and I constantly assume people I'm speaking to are trying to make me question my reality, even when I don't know them to be toxic individuals or the gaslighting type at all. I've become almost the opposite of how I was before. It feels like my efforts to stop gaslighting myself have made me overly defensive and combative in situations where it's not warranted at all, and I hate it. I'm of course working to overcome this as well, but when I pay attention to my response in conversations where someone is trying to assign blame to me, my reaction is very much physical and fight/flight, so I just stop thinking rationally and basically shut down, refusing to accept blame or apologize or consider anyone's feelings but my own. I've found the only way to prevent needless conflict in those situations is to temporarily disengage and allow myself to be alone until I'm no longer triggered; after a few minutes I always return to my senses and can re-engage with the person compassionately, instead of perceiving them as a direct threat to my safety. I don't know if I'll ever heal from this completely, but at least I'm learning to manage my wounds in ways that minimize the pain I inflict upon others and upon myself.

You always put things so aptly and manage to put into words experiences I've had throughout my life but have been unable to explain even to myself. Thank you so much!

[fredhubbard]

I remember feeling like my mother was crazy from a very young age. Things like this help me understand how especially devastating a narc mother can be. It is a trap that thousands of years of evolutionary history have colluded with. As a small child, the trap is very real.

[suzannemaroney]

UGH!!! I hated this abuse as a child!!