Helping Kids Handle Big Emotions Ft. Julie Kavanagh & Seth Shugar Purposeful Empathy

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Watch this episode to hear two experts (and parents) describe how a deck of cards can help families connect on a deeper emotional level and strengthen social intelligence in kids, and parents alike.

Julie Kavanagh is the author of Zimzimber and Seth Shugar is a therapist, and relationship coach. They are co-authors of the Feelings Deck For Kids. In this episode they discuss how to regulate negative emotions to strengthen relationships and communication and how by taking 15 seconds to savour positive emotions can change the chemistry of one’s brain.

00:00 Preview
00:52 Introduction
01:09 About Seth Shugar
01:45 About Julie Kavanagh
02:57 The backstory that led to The Feelings Deck for Kids
05:40 How parents can integrate emotional language at home
07:09 How Seth’s therapy background informed the Feelings Deck for Kids
08:53 Can adults also learn from the Feelings Deck for Kids? (Yes!)
14:12 Back to school feelings - A spotlight on feeling shy
16:56 The concept of parts in our emotional experiences
18:15 What’s the science behind the Feelings Deck for Kids?
18:55 Awareness of emotional and physical feelings
28:37 Applying breathing techniques to manage big emotions
29:24 Making better decisions making by learning how to regulate emotions
30:58 Why does emotional literacy translate into greater self-compassion?
31:26 The nuances of emotions (e.g. fairness vs. frustration)
35:35 Savouring positive emotions
42:19 Empathy and emotional attunement
44:54 The “gratitude gumball machine”
51:15 The importance of modelling emotional intelligence at home
53:31 Julie Kavanagh’s Purposeful Empathy Story
55:10 Seth Shugar’s Purposeful Empathy Story

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Show notes
James Nestar - Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art
Rick Hanson - Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence

Science-Backed Skill #1: Each card in The Feelings Deck enriches our vocabulary for our feelings. The more skilled we are at understanding and naming our unpleasant emotions (what researchers call “emotion differentiation” or “emotional granularity”) the better we’re able to regulate our emotions.

- Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics, 1980.
- Anālayo. Satipaṭṭhāna: The Direct Path to Realization, 2003.
- Brackett, Marc A., et al. Enhancing Academic Performance and Social and Emotional Competence with the RULER Feeling Words Curriculum, 2012.
- Peter Salovey & John D. Mayer. Emotional Intelligence,1989-1990.
- Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence, 1995.

Science-Backed Skill #2: Each card develops our awareness of where we feel our feelings in the body and what they feel like (what researchers call “interoception”).

- Porges, Stephen W. The Polyvagal Theory, 2011.
- Dana, Deb. Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection, 2020.
- Levine, Peter A. Healing Trauma, 2005.

Science-Backed Skill #3: The ability to name difficult feelings and find where we’re feeling them in our bodies also promotes emotional regulation because it allows us to both extend compassion toward ourselves and leverage our breathing, which is the explicit focus of many of the activities, meditations and crafts on the cards.

- Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion, 2011.
- Germer, Christopher and Kristin Neff. The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, 2018.
- Gilbert, Paul. The Compassionate Mind, 2010.

Science-Backed Skill #4: The ability to notice and name positive feelings in the body (e.g. gratitude, joy) also enables us to enrich and absorb our “positive” emotions (or “take in the good”) which in turn buffers stress, fosters resilience and increases our happiness and health.

- Fredrickson, Barbara L. The Broaden-and-build Theory of Positive Emotions, 2004.
- Emmons, Robert A. Thanks!, 2007.
- Bryant, Fred B. and Joseph Veroff. Savoring, 2007.

Science-Backed Skill #5: The greater our ability to notice, name and regulate our body-based emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant, the richer our awareness of the inner lives of others and the greater our sensitivity toward them.

- Böckler, Anne et al. Know Thy Selves, 2017.

Science-Backed Skill #6: Emotional and social intelligence develop over time by means of ongoing, developmentally-appropriate patterns of practice. Most of the crafts on the cards initiate activities that may extend not just for minutes or hours, but days, weeks, or even years.

- Ouellette, J. and Wood, W. Habit and Intention in Everyday Life, 1998.
- Clear, James. Atomic Habits, 2018.
- Brackett, Marc. A Brief History of Emotional Intelligence, 2024.

Video Edited by David Tsvariani