such a burden

so i know most people wont actually read this but i dont feel very comfortable venting one on one so here’s this ig

it sounds really pathetic, but i just started a new job. It’s alright, it’s gonna get me money (which is what i’ve wanted for ages) and.. well, experience. I had a shift today, and I cant help but feel so useless. Despite the fact it’s only my third shift and I’m obviously going hard on myself, I feel like such a fucking burden to the other workers. They know what theyre doing and they’re good at it. But what the hell am I doing? Nearly nothing. I dont want to do nothing - I want to behave helpful, I want to be able to participate. I’m just so overwhelmed for some reason and nervous as fuck to ask “do you need me to do anything?” because if they say no, I’m just going to dawdle again and helplessly glance around. I’m not used to this environment and I resent change with a passion, it makes me sick to my stomach. And knowing how emotional and sensitive I am, I’m probably just gonna end up crying again. I don’t want to be a burden. I didnt mean to be. Or annoying. I’m sorry. I dont want to be that way, please dont think of me that way. I can be useful.

I can be useful.

i want to be useful
i want to be wanted and needed
i’m sorry