Straight Men Are Victims of Homophobia, Too

It's International Men's Day, and I want to talk about homophobia against straight men. No, this isn't a joke: it's deadly serious. Homophobia is the violent border guard of masculinity, there to punish and victimise any man deemed to violate the norms of 'being a man'. So obviously queer men are the principal victims of male homophobia - but it's homophobia against straight men that allows us to understand what this bigotry is, and how maleness is constructed.

[Kalarandir]

Thanks' for bringing this to attention.
I was a victim of assault as a young lad back in the 80s. I was badly beaten by a gang of lads on a night out because I was quite flamboyantly dressed, 80s fashion was very loud but had not reached my hometown. The result was some broken bones, including my jaw and a few teeth kicked out or broken. I learnt my lesson of not stand out in a crowd, something I do not know if I have ever recovered from.

[joshuastebbing]

100% true Owen. The amount of times Iv been called a “gay boy” or a “poof” I have even called other friends the same at times if I’m honest!
It obviously affects gay men more, but this using “gay” as an insult is damaging to all men in society. And can cause many issues, including toxic masculinity.

[nor]

So glad to see someone talking about this!! I've been referring to this mindset as toxic masculinity for years but calling it out as homophobia is actually more accurate. I've shared this video in my groups to give men the support!

[alexteague]

I wish I could like this video a million times. Thank you Owen.
As a straight(ish) man who underwwent bullying throughout my teenage years, and is still suffering the mental health repurcussions into my 40s, this couldn't resonate any harder.

[keyboards]

I’m a musician who does a lot of theatre work, and simply for that fact I’ve been ridiculed, with homophobic tropes by people I know, for even daring to be involved in the creative arts. Completely understand the argument you’re making, Owen! My experience is nothing compared to what my LGBTQ+ friends have had to endure, nonetheless!

[Northstander]

I get this totally as a man who identifies as straight, having been on the receiving end of homophobic abuse and numerous occasions where someone has assumed that I was gay. This has probably been for the exact reasons that Owen alluded to, I am not a womaniser, I treat women with respect, don't brag about sexual conquests (what happens in private should stay in private), I'm definitely not macho, I probably have more female friends than male...several have told me that they don't see me as a normal bloke, I guess that is a backhanded compliment that they feel safe in my company.

All of this has given me an insight into what it must be like to be gay and on the receiving end of homophobia...but I won't claim that I can understand what that actually feels like for someone who is...but it has served to turn me into the fiercest of straight allies, woe betide anyone who makes a homophobic comment in my presence...stand by to be torn off a strip.

[adamwaterhouse]

Well done Owen - a very thoughtful and intelligent analysis.

[junky]

I have absolutely experienced the kind of mistreatment you speak of. I have autism but my friends tarred me with the brush of, gay, weirdo, loner, likely to be a serial killer or whatever else fit their active narrative. I was even physically assaulted because of these accusations and their perception of me. We were each well over 20 years old at the time not in school as you may have pictured. Even my boss these days questions my lack of a girlfriend.

[BassistInATutu]

Very well said mate. My school years were plagued with being bullied for being gay. I wasn't gay. But I wasn't manly enough, so what you said was spot on in my experience.

[imagiro]

Totally agree. My personality is sometimes a little little camp. Remember some lad constantly calling me gay Throughout the night. Me being a little cheeky, kept saying so what if I am, and made him uncomfortable crude jokes about it to him. Insinuating reasons for his own insecurity about gay men. He assaulted me. Gave me huge realisation of what guy men must feel

[xavierdesmond]

Completely agree with this. As a straight man I was definitely both a victim and (shamefully) a perpetrator of homophobia when I was younger. I'm glad I've changed and learned as I've grown older but I'm still not proud of the views I held as a young man.

[louisburke]

Wow. I experienced this! I was pretty well built so the physical bullying wasn't there BUT the verbal bullying was endless. And it wasn't just my peer group. My uncle thought it was appropriate to make insinuations I was gay and not in a supportive way. He was being a bully.

[NightManAkimbo]

excellent point and tone-perfect. was mercilessly bullied in school for being gay for at least a year, and yet i’m straight

[TomMAF]

Really great and important video Owen. Certainly a minor victim of this myself. This gender essentialist bullying is basically near universal and often is ignored.

[FredHMusic-grnu]

Yes Owen!!! Thanks for addressing this.

[carrroad]

I've spent my entire life from school bullying to suffering homophobic abuse as a straight man from other straight men, simply because of how I appear and my life interests. Until now I thought no one understood.

[TheRg]

Owen 100% hit the nail on the head, its why internalised homophobia has been so rife in the gay community for a long time. (Speaking from experience) the societal pressure to behave a certain way and above all not be gay led to some seriously tough years for me that are still ongoing, I was surrounded with homophobia growing up from close relatives through to friends at school. In turn the shame of my own sexuality led me to behave in a way I regret massively. I could “pass” at school but I’d find myself joining in with homophobic comments and bullying to make sure I was perceived as straight and fitted in. Toxic masculinity is a disease. I was at high school between 2001 and 2009 my best friend received so much homophobic bullying he thought he *was* gay at 15 and began to question his sexuality when talking to me- he thought he must be gay because of how much he was constantly called gay, he had no attraction to men and constantly fawned after female class mates. He’s married with a one year old son and looks back on that time as a real dark patch with high school bullying. In the meantime I was so closeted I accepted and supported my best friend through questioning his sexuality and was still so afraid I couldn’t come out myself! The psychological toll homophobia has on society as a whole is immeasurable.

[matthewtrow]

Excellent video.
As a 50 something straight? man, I look back at my youth and there's all sorts of minor horrors lurking there.
The most common hate/abuse word used, when I was just entering puberty back in the early 80's was "gay boy!"
There were plenty of other phrases used, but that was the most common.
It was a feared word, a word used to taunt boys in the playground, where you could end up with one boy cornered and multiple other boys chanting it.

The 80's was a truly horrible time if you were in any way different.
I wasn't gay, but I certainly wasn't ... straight? (what does that even mean?)

Anyone with even the smallest perceivable difference to some kind of male normality, was picked on.
Some of the most interesting friends I ever had, the most intelligent, were just "dangerous" to befriend - but then, I was picked on anyway, so it hardly mattered.

Straight men are totally victims of Homophobia, because for many males who are either gay or bi-sexual or just ... curious - it's not like there's a big sign over their heads saying "I'm gay!"
It's not like there's a single type of gay man - this absolute sexually orientated man that just swings directly toward fancying other men in a sexual manner.

I will probably never experiment - too old now, but the thought has often crossed my mind.
Was I a victim of Homophobia when I was young? - absolutely - I had plenty of abuse hurled at me, because I wasn't "normal" - I was bullied.
I was a creative, I was sensitive, thoughtful, I wasn't sporty.
But I wasn't actually gay.

What has ALWAYS fascinated me about how men/boys go about this quite horrible victimisation, is in the popular culture they enjoy and like.
Straight boys/men singing and dancing to almost openly gay bands - I mean, really, Queen or Wham? - you never knew?
Or white boys/men exhibiting racism toward black people, absolutely loving popular culture and music from the likes of Micheal Jackson or Bob Marley.

Why? - because they aren't actually bigots or racists, they are just mimicking what they are supposed to do as "men" - and that is probably the most damaging thing of all, if you are on the receiving end - it normalises that behaviour.

[kitglare]

my 24 yr old son is autistic, he is straight, but because he finds difficulty in relating to girls his on-line 'friends' constantly mock him, you must be gay, the mockery is theirs not mine or my sons but because he is different and struggles with making contacts they shove an epithet at him that demeans him and the diverse community that we are a part of. They see it as an insult, a diminishment of who he is, his identity. It is cruel and unkind not just to him but to LGbtQ people everywhere

[PandoraFoxxBurlesque]

Thank you for this Owen 💙 my partner (cis straight guy) responded to your shout-out for this earlier this year. He's always had long hair, gothic dress sense and occasionally paints his nails. Probably the worst story I head was when he was in school, another pupil cut a chuck of his hair "as a joke". It boils my blood because his hair is so beautiful and his rightfully very proud of it. We've also experienced lesbophobic abuse when out together because, even though I'm Non-Binary, with his hair we look like two women when walking down the street. I'd love to live in a world where strangers didn't feel the need to make remarks about who somebody loves