Harm and Justice

What should we do when someone in our community has done something wrong? And how should we act when that person is us?
A Video Essay on Justice by the Leftist Cooks.

Link to Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg's website:

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Chapters:
Intro: 00:00
Owning the Harm: 02:01
Naming the Harm: 17:15
Starting to Change 1: 32:41
CW: 40:57
Starting to Change 2: 45:22
Seeking Support: 48:22
Restitution and Accountability: 57:23
Apologising: 1:05:34
Being a Mess: 1:25:55
Seeking Forgiveness: 1:40:33
Conclusion: 1:53:20

[mikubrot]

I think it's important to distinguish "forgiveness" from accepting that the person you harmed you was human.
You can not forgive, even hate those who hurt you, but it's healthy to accept their humanity- and that the only thing you can do is hope they'll do better and hurt no one else.

[MxAmericanPi]

As someone who has both been harmed and perpetuated harm, this video absolutely broke me. We need a realistic path forward and so few people are willing to talk about how it's not as black and white as "good person is harmed by bad person, bad person should be pushed out." And in many progressive spaces, nuance like this gets met with the kind of whataboutism mentioned in the S A section. Lots of people give lip service to the idea of restorative justice, but when it comes down to actually putting those beliefs into practice, many people would rather just write off the "bad" people and protect the "good." It's easier to just push the bad people aside and not think about them. It's easier to assign malicious intent than to recognize that someone may genuinely want to do better. When someone gets put behind bars for something like SA, when someone loses their job and their livelihood for their misdeeds, it's seen as a victory. But what comes next, not only for the victims but for the perpetrators?

Lily Alexandre recently did a great video called The Fascism of Endings, about how lives keep going, even when the spotlight has moved on. One of the things discussed is about someone getting out of a psychiatric institution years after committing a heinous crime. Those who are willing to support and connect with him encourage him to move on, but how can he when he lost years of his life and no employer will ever take a chance on him? He is stuck, because society and individuals will only ever see the mistakes he made, the actions he took years ago.

I struggled with admitting I was s3xually abus3d. And I hurt others and got myself hurt in the process. There are spaces that will never have me back, and that's fine, I'm not owed their forgiveness. But what hurts me is seeing people turned away for any little mistake or difference, left without community or anyone to support them in their healing. We are not born knowing leftist rhetoric, and sometimes people will make msitakes, but I can't bring this up in some spaces without people acting like I'm complaining about cancel culture or something. I am very intentional about cultivating spaces with a restorative justice mindset and it is ehxausting and it is hard work but it is much more gratifying than spaces I occupied where I was told to just stop talking when I tripped over my words trying to agree with someone about inadequate butch representation on TV.

I refuse to believe in good or bad people anymore. People make decisions, people do actions, those can be good or bad (and even that can be messy. Yay moral relativism...). But people can change. And we need to stop pretending like everything can be wrapped up in a nice little bow. If we truly want abolition, we need to recognize the possibility that many people can change and sit with that discomfort. (The worst take I saw online was that the death penalty is a necessary part of prison abolitionist framework since some people are too violent to be reformed, and I could get into a whole essay about how we should not and could not trust the state or any similar body to determine who lives and dies, who can be reformed and who can't)

We can change. We can be better. But if we know we can change, we need to recognize others can too.

[gretablackwell]

This video helped me process what apologies are actually _for._ The concept always mystified me as a undiagnosed autistic kid. I still experienced guilt, probably too much guilt tbh— I just didn’t understand what an apology was supposed to do about anything. That, combined with people telling me I didn’t seem genuine enough, made me think that an apology was supposed to be some bizarre ritual in which I suffered so that the victim could get joy out of my distress. I didn’t quite understand why throwing self-flagellating remarks into my apologies made them worse rather than “more genuine.” The idea of apologies, under this misinterpretation, was very upsetting to me. I told people they didn’t need to apologize to me when they probably did, because— as I used to think about it— I wasn’t sadistic enough to get any comfort out of receiving an apology. Though I’m an adult now, and thus have a more reasonable understanding of what apologies are for, I never fully managed to remove that misinterpretation from my head. Thanks for making me think harder about the concepts of guilt, forgiveness, and justice so that I didn’t have to let weird childhood angst fester in the recesses of my brain

[stalfithrildi]

Breaking the cycle of being so self reliant that you don't need to ask for help is so fucking hard and needs constant practise.

[ItsAstridEh]

Canada technically admitted to genocide, then parliament argued about the definition of the word genocide for two weeks, and now, years later, they've still barely made any effort to stop it!

[gargrazz]

My wife (a teacher) was forced to go through a "restorative justice" process with a toxic coworker that everyone knows is a toxic coworker and it made me very frustrated and angry that liberals are going to demolish this concept before it goes anywhere. Thank you for the video. I got a lot out of it. Now I need to go for my daily walk.

[amberrichards]

Big trigger warning: I saw the eggs story on Tumblr back in the day. And it traumatized me. I was in a place where I couldn't acknowledge the harm that I'd gone through. As a child, afraid of getting my father and I kicked out of our house (it was for naught, as we were kicked out anyway), as an adult convinced that I was responsible, that I had let him into my house and should have known better. It took years. Little admissions to friends and my now-spouse, a therapy session where I ripped out my heart and for the first time had someone in a position of authority tell me that they believed me. I was able to hear the eggs story again today. I didn't skip through that section of the video. Because I'm stronger, now.

And I can eat eggs again.

[austensg]

“Ohhhh THAT’S what happened to me? Well I’m glad Sarah told me, because I’ve been trying to figure it out for YEARS and clearly I hadn’t figured it out.” - me, today

[TempestuousInquiry]

As someone who comes from a very undereducated background but who has always been desperately passionate about learning, I thank you for these videos. You both explain things so well and really teach as well as encourage me to think deeply about topics I may never have if I had remained as sheltered as I once was. You are doing wonderful work and I'm so grateful for all that you do as well as all the support that allows you to make this content. ♥♥

[stalfithrildi]

A big fan of the acknowledgement that you have used couples therapy and that you are imperfect but doing the work to make Love a verb.
Huge thanks to Sarah for sharing her story after the content warning.
Much love to you both for this.

[resident-evil-jerma]

i have severe moral ocd, i find it difficult to “forgive” myself for bad no matter how big or small the bad action was or how much or what type of harm was caused. i always have to remind myself there are no good or bad people, there are good and bad actions. bad actions can’t be undone by good ones. but all harm is done by the harmed because everyone is harmed and to heal your harm and the harm you did you must do good. people i’ve hurt owe me nothing, i owe nothing to the people who have hurt me, but i owe myself and the people i have hurt good. i am not bad. i am not good. but doing good is the only way i can work towards healing. not all your wounds will heal and you can’t apologise to everyone you hurt. still people who have done harm do not disappear, the harm you’ve caused will always come back up even if the person you’ve harmed has healed from it, there’s a good chance you have not. there’s still a mark. but in order to move forward you have to start somewhere, self compassion requires compassion. great work y’all :)

[isaacbarry]

Hey y’all, I was involved in an incredibly intense racism accountability process recently and ever since it “ended” my personality has been in constant motion. I’ve been consuming as much information about the world and systems of oppression as my ADHD will allow since and I’ve grown so much closer to the person I want to be. This essay clarified a lot of the confusing feelings I’ve had in the wake of taking the steps to be better and I finally did my goddamn 5 minutes of mindfulness!! I will do my little tasks if you do yours😎

[oldgus]

"Self-love is hard"
Yeah, indescribably. I still struggle with compliments. Positive criticism. People literally pointing out "This thing you did or quality you have is good."

It doesn't matter how people word it. My brain excuses the value of these statements a million ways. "They're just being polite." "They're lying." "That's not praiseworthy, that's just normal, expected." "They're praising that? X does it a lot better." "You've done better than that before." "It's still not good enough." "What aren't they saying? Where's the 'but'?" And on, and on, and on. And as you can probably tell by some of them, even knowing I'm good at that thing doesn't mean it helps.

[lkblondie]

Thank you for speaking about this. and speaking about how we try to use Victim as a dirty word to use, when its totally valid and not inaccurate for someone to want to use that label on themself after a traumatic experience in which their safety was targeted and torn away from them.

as a victim of CSA and many other instances of SA and abuse throughout my life, I have continually seen that people will be less likely to believe someone and less likely to sympathize with someone if they use words like "victim" and fully acknowledge what happened to themselves.

For me, I first experienced this after my first abusive relationship. I, at first, was in denial. I stayed with him, defended him, and blamed myself for his behavior.
My best friend at the time heard of what was going on, and told me "He sounds emotionally abusive". I defended him again, and then eventually at some point it set in that my friend was right. The second i identified with my partner as being emotionally abusive, my best friend started refering to the situation as if they didnt believe me. they started saying things like "Well, if you're telling the truth" or just straight up saying the same things they told me were emotionally abusive werent that serious.
Slowly my friends didnt believe me, they got closer with my ex abuser, lost another close friend to him, and they didnt care basically at all until his behavior seeped into their friendships with him.

Then they seemingly believed me, but it more seemed that they only really cared about what other friends were saying. Eventually, when I came out at 17 about being groped by an adult in our community at 11, my friend group swapped on me again, telling large amounts of people that i was a serial liar just as i lied about my previous abuse and that i lied about a mother in our community acting predatory(continuously told me she wanted me to hang out eith them with or without their children, saying that they didnt want my parents there because "They dont like hanging out with grown ups" etc).
My friends were so convinced that i was looking for attention that they reached out to the man that assaulted me himself to tell him that i had been lying, leading to his parents(despite him being in his late twentys) threatening my family with legal action for my "lies".
that friends parents were the only people told when i was 11, because my own mother said to just not talk about these kinds of things. hide it.

My life and reputation has been ruined as a survivor way more than his has for being a molester.
He kept his job at a kids summer camp, he kept all of my old friends who id known since before i could talk.
He had my parents and there friends.
I was friendless, stuck at home still under 18 with abusive parents who gaslit me everyday into thinking i was lying, over exaggerating, and just looking for attention.
I lost my family, they never have and will never fully believe anything I say. I have no self trust, leading me to get abused and assaulted numerous times again, also not being believed.

to call this surviving is barely applicable.
Every few weeks brings a new plan to end my life.
I have few friends.
My family still thinks I'm prone to lying.

[thetaarakian]

One thing I've found very disconcerting over the years on apologizing. The actions of defensiveness and denial are so expected and normalized for those that make a mistake or do harm, that actions of actual accountability and integrity are seen as not caring. If you truly cared about what you did you would be defensive. Only someone who didn't really care about what they did would just admit it. I've seen this happen so much in my professional life it's ridiculous.

[borealmarinda]

I'd had awful insomnia. I already was doing the thing of sleeping at same exact time every day, waking up at the same time and just getting up, not having anything in bed with me, having comfort items to help me sleep, going on regular walks. One time, when I was inspired to combat my depression, I tried battling it harder. I bought an eye mask and ear plugs and I didn't look at a screen one hour before sleep, didn't do any chores like hygiene or cleaning, and I didn't eat past 6 pm, I meditated both with mindfullness exercises (which was excrutiating) and mindlessness (which was basically impossible), and other life hacks I found. After about four months, I stopped trying, because I was still having the same issue, and all the trying just gave me anxiety at that point. I laid in bed, and my tired brain wouldn't stop tormenting itself.
Years later, I happened to have gotten anti-depressants that also combat insomnia, because the SSRIs I was given gave me anxiety. And I started sleeping well. I have never had sleeps that good before, and I can barely remember that constant dread of knowing I will be lying for hours unable to sleep. I was finally functioning, in this area at least.
And then I got a job. Three shifts, so morning, afternoon, and night shifts. At first I thought "I have a cheat code for sleeping well, this won't be a problem at all." It's been a year now. And still, each week is the same torment. I do sleep, but each change of sleeping schedule just destroys me. I sleep with irregular intervals, I am constantly lethargic, I haven't felt awake in one whole year, and I resorted to substances to bear through stress. I have never had eye bags this dark. And it's not just the night shifts. Turns out, going to sleep at midning one day, and then waking up at 3 am three days later still sucks.
I healed, and then I properly joined society to do as it tells me is needed, and it broke me again. All because factories just super need to run non-stop, because if we didn't make a million of individual parts for some part of a car or whatever it is we are supplying, then that would bring down immediate profits by 30 whole percents.
It just keeps me wondering: if we went back in time, to the awful tough past of hunter-gatherers, would they think of us as unimaginably fortunate for our modern comforts? Or would they look at our work loads and lack of communities and think "that's a steep price to pay". Would the serfs of the past accept not sleeping during night time every third week, to do constant manual labor for 8 hours?
Of course this system doesn't allow justice to happen. It doesn't allow community, and it sure doesn't allow healing of any kind. Even with miraculous medicine that helped me when all simple solutions failed, it meant nothing when I have little choice but to sell my body for this nonsense.

[LegalKimchi]

I gotta stop watching leftist cooks videos when I'm editing. I need to watch this video 3 times. 1 for the essay, 1 for the video editing choices, 1 for a holistic viewing.
Just brilliant work. Staggering.

[MasterOfBaiter]

"harm is something you do when you are trying to do something else" is such a good quote, I 100% agree. There are times where people point out to me that I overstepped some boundary or offended someone and my emotional response often is annoyance and when I was younger i would let that annoyance make me defensive and I would go from hurting someone by accident to hurting someone wilfully. It took me recognizing that not all hurt is caused willfully, that sometimes it happens cause of ignorance or even negligence and that I can hurt others still even when I don't want to. Nowadays I still get annoyed lmao I can think it's simply because I am expecting something and get blindsided by a negative response and don't understand why, I don't really know if that can be overcome cause honestly it's just being surprised so instead I simply made it a habbit to apologize even if I don't necessarily understand it right away and step away from the conversation. From there then I can usually consider where this contradiction between what I want and what I did comes from. I know people around me appreciate that today too bad I lost some really good friends till I learned that lesson

[emmametos]

Maybe it's because I just finished reading and teaching Ida B Wells' The Red Record, but the response to prison abolition being talking about SA is so tied to enforcement of the American caste system. SA was and is the primary reason for lynching in America. The myth of SA is so tied to Birth of a Nation and the lies told to keep the institution of slavery alive.

[caitie]

Hey for no reason at all and related to no recent events, I just want to say I really appreciate how good a job you two do with citing sources in this video. Like it’s great in all ways but I just started and wow. What great onscreen and verbal citations.