Don't Fall For An Ideal, Fall For A Person... From Matthew Hussey & Get The Guy

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The goal of a relationship shouldn't be that the person we're with lives up to being on the pedestal we've put them on. The goal should be a connection with who that person REALLY is.

I know that when I first started doing videos on Youtube I was very over-the-top positive.

I had learned growing up that if you want to be an expert - especially in the world of self-help - you have to be happy all the time because that's what influences people and shows you're 'perfect'.

'Self-help = let's all walk around smiling all the time', I thought.

But that's not what it is. And if you're in the mindset, you're missing the point.

People don't have to be one way all of the time. Sometimes you're not supposed to be at a peak level of happiness.

I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).

In our relationships we're often looking for the 'polished media version' of someone.

We want our partners to live up to an idea we have of them (a fantasy we've created) - instead of what they really are.

In doing this we end up enforcing all of our own personal rules, not allowing our partner the flexibility to express who they are authentically.

"You either want a relationship with the REAL ME, or you want a relationship with the idea of me."

I see so many "gurus" begin to take themselves so seriously, losing their sense of humour.

I began changing my Youtube videos from over the top happy to the REAL me (sometimes funny, other times serious, occasionally earnest...). I did this because I didn't want to be seen on some pedestal.

It doesn't allow you to be human. You create a false perception of who you really are and I never want that to be the case.

I hope you can take the same stance with your relationships.

Stop trying to have a relationship with the IDEA of someone, and instead see them for who they really are.

When you allow yourself to do this, it's far more interesting.

We get depth, diversity, and a whole range of emotions with someone.

My challenge to you (a challenge I'll be taking up myself), is that when someone does something that doesn't fit with your exact expectation of them, ask yourself whether you want a relationship with the idea of them or with the version of them that actually exists.

The latter will lead to a constant state of conflict any time they do something that goes against the way you think they should be.

Question of the day...

Have you ever felt people didn't understand the full breadth of your personality? Tell me about it in the comments section below...

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[leighschannel]

This video is so spot on. It is so easy to get caught up in the fantasy of a person that we don't see them for who they are. We also enjoy the relationship less because instead of being excited about learning something new about a person, we are so chronically disappointed in the fact that that person hasn't lived up to fantasy expectations we have in our head.

[StevieB]

Thank you, for being REAL. So tired of people being politically correct to fit in. Luv you style of teaching! Don't ever change.

[brookerichardson]

When someone falls for the ideal of you, it's finite and very conditional. It's a hard thing to go through, but there's warning signs. Get out as soon as you realize someone doesn't accept you for the person you are.

Great video, thank you!

[septemberdawnluketz]

So glad you see it this way. Authentic people aren't happy all the time and not perfect either. Thank you for making this video. If someone is on a mission for perfection, they only set themselves and others up for failure. There is no such thing as perfection, only authentic completion in being comfortable with themselves. This is exactly what I wanted to hear. Thank God authentic guys exist!

[aleewoolley]

Authenticity is sexy! It took me a long time to learn how to be my authentic self, and you're right it's not always easy. It has also taken me a long time to realize that I don't have to put a guy on a pedestal, or be with someone who is "perfect" (because no one is). You just have to find someone whose flaws you can live with. Matt, you keep being you! Because "you" is awesome!

[bblissd]

Totally agree with everything he says here. Authenticity is much more interesting than a fake polished veneer.

[jjfrancis]

Honestly, I've lost a ton of "friends" because I decided to stop living up to their expectations and weird ideals and I couldn't be happier. I have few friends but they're real and my boyfriend is my best friend. We don't expect each other to meet common standards that most couples would place importance on. We're different and it is awesome! :)

[ItsKimberlyForMe]

I agree, a person is more relatable and less intimidating when they are authentic. When a person is " faking it " they put up a wall and make it difficult for people who would like to get to know them. I believe people are 50 percent more attractive when they're being theirselves. Great video!

[stayroxy]

I literally clicked this because I liked the color of Matt's beautiful

[nataliemunoz]

I know that probably I would never be with this handsome and more important, wise man. But I'm confort wuth the fact I can admire him from lost distance and learn from him. That's more than enough. Greetings and love from Chile 🥰🇨🇱

[pixieofparadox]

everything you said in this video is exactly what I have been doing and in doing so have become so frustrated with my life. Thank you for being just you

[alexandragisellechavez]

This is true. I felt in love with the ideal of a guy I met ..AND then when I really saw who he was I was sooo dissapointed with me for not seeing the red flags that all the time were there .finally I decided to Let him go..AND that was the best thing I did😃💪

[helenarichard]

I was obsessed with my crush for years. After a really long time I realised he was the last thing I wanted in my life. Still like him as a person, and maybe it could work one day. Who knows.

[MCandCarriecf]

This is so true and I realize that I do this more than I would like to admit, at least at the beginning. Yes, it is important to know the person and like him/her for who he/she is, so I'll try to keep that in mind always.

[saymyNei]

I always tell my friends this. We get so caught up in the idea of what a man can be that we are overlooking what they really are and once we start opening our eyes, we start getting disappointed, the arguments come along and the passion is long gone and all because we were looking at what they could be potentially vs the truth. That's why it's better to get top know a person 1st, that way you see if you can deal with that or not. No expectations equal no disappointments, get that clear ladies. BTW stop thinking you can make a man change, he only changes if he really wants to and if he really loves you. If something I have learn is "you can't make a guy stay if his mind set is not to be with you". Let them be whoever they want and that way you see if he is right for you or not. :)

[NightmareTurtorials]

My boyfriend left me 2 days ago. I feel like everything we had and went through meant nothing, I feel like I was his thing to pass him by. He didn't say why he left me he kept saying he had a lot of shit on his mind but behind my back spoke to people and told them that I made him feel constricted and suffocated when I gave him all the  time he needed.. I think its time to date my self for a little while before I start rebuilding a relationship.

[strongheartlive]

If like to let you know that I have personally enjoyed watching you become more real in who you are and more raw in your videos. You have always brought value, but having it come from an authentic place is fantastic. I look forward to the future topics that you have to offer. Thanks Matthew.

[paris]

Exactly. The only reason I watch him for years because it seems like a real conversation with a friend!

[maailieca]

Thanks for being authentic. Looking back at my past relationships, I can see that I put my expectations on men instead of letting them be who they are which often led to fights and breakups. I agree with everything you said 100%!

[TheSarinha]

It's so true that we fall in love with the image of someone than actually loving them for who they are. This concept definitely took a while to sink in but now that I let go of the image and love the real person I am so much happier and have a true and amazing connection :)

Thank you Mat for all the amazing and wonderful advice :)