Are you here to please others? Well, I’m not.

Are you a people pleaser? Or do you know someone who is? This video explores the pernicious act of people pleasing, why we shouldn’t do it, and some thoughts on how to stop it.

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#peoplepleaser #pleasing #kafkasekibi

00:00 - Intro
02:32 - The anatomy of the pleaser
06:00 - The dangers of pleasing
09:40 - People are overrated
12:18 - Kindness versus pleasing
13:24 - What about you?

[hansphoa]

"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner."
- Lao Tzu

[patdnsouth]

For me, my people-pleasing ended when I finally set boundaries. I just saw this today. "I used to tolerate a lot because I did not want to lose people. Now I establish boundaries because I do not want to lose myself". How incredibly fitting for this video!

[billiehemingway]

I’ve been a people pleaser for 61 years until I recently had a very vivid dream that I was rushing around a vast airport terminal trying to make everyone a cup of tea with my tiny travel kettle. It was so apocryphal. This video is very well timed for me. Many thanks for your wisdom.

[SUCCESSCHASERS]

The more you try to please people, the more they get control of you and you'll end up hurting yourself.
Great job my friend, love the video

[kayleighdriessen]

I've eventually stopped people-pleasing, it made me feel weak and codependent and like I was wasting my life, no more! Self-love is the ultimate way of being of service to others and yourself without losing yourself in the process.

[storiestellr]

“No” is a complete sentence. - Annie Lamott

[ismaelmarksteiner]

People pleasing/fawning is actually a trauma response! Pete Walker talks about it in his book about Complex-PTSD.

It’s a survival strategy to avoid conflict by mirroring the imagined expectations and desires of others.

It’s exhausting and painful to constantly silence yourself and push your emotions away, all while working overtime to anticipate the emotions of other people.

I know, because I do it all the time… it’s getting better but it’s a process. Self-compassion and patience are the key.

❤️🙏✨

[rouxinolico]

I was and still am a people-pleasing person. Not only to be part of the groups I'm in but mostly because i really like doing good deeds for others. To provide.
What made a huge difference for me was to accept myself and have my own goals, work also for me and to not offer my help without acknowledging that they do have others also in their life to help. This would discard my mind from suffering for that person.
Also boundaries, learning to say no because I, myself, am important and need to take care of me too

[timcolaba]

I am a people pleaser. I married a woman my father wanted me to marry. Even though my gut told me no. The marriage lasted over two years until my gut told me that I needed to leave this marriage because I was miserable. After my marriage ended, I slowly distanced myself from my family. I am from the Indian subcontinent. I decided not to swim in the Indian Ocean and started to swim in the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans. In other words, my friends/ family are Chinese, Vietnamese, Japaneses, Peruvian, Filipino, American, Russian. I have never been happier.

[joebenzz]

I used to be a people pleaser all my life and suffered from it without even realizing it. When i was a kid, i used to be the "good boy". I listened to my parents, i obeyed when they said no and i didn't argue. Whenever i disobeyed for the slightest things, i'd get severely reprimanded which reinforced the people pleaser side of me.
What i realized 20 years later was that i was known from other perspectives as a "nice guy". A regular bland nice guy with nothing more to it which shook me.
Then a phrase i heard that sealed the change was that "We are all someone else's a$$hole or d*head".
That one just straight up executed the people pleaser in me after realizing that not only i was killing my authentic self but also that in the end, it was a pointless unending battle.

[Rowan_Atkinson]

"It's like lighting yourself on fire to keep yourself warm"

[SIERRATREES]

People pleasing stems from the fear of being alone, which in turn represents the will to survive. But, one just needs to take a breather, and say, " I'm going to be alright ", and back yourself. ( So good that you mentioned acts of kindness, random acts of kindness and acts where it feels right. Animals deserve attention also. )

[kmscheid]

I grew up with mean people. I hung out with mean people. Then I worked with nice people. It took me a while to become nice. Now I actively avoid mean people.
It's more subtle than that, but here I am, actively saying "that's not what I want in my life, this is who I am." Terrifying, but real. My idea of boundaries has changed dramatically.

[nekto]

I think my mom tried to raise me as a people pleaser to an extent that if I voiced my opinion which was contradicting hers, she would make me feel like a terrible son and that I am "not being part of the family". I then though that this was kinda fishy and over the years got very comfortable having/voicing my own opinion, doing my own research, asking questions, and gradually this people pleasing behavior went away. With that being said, I now see that interpersonal relationship, all of them, really are fragile and it's often hard to find the right balance.

[audrablue]

I only recently discovered I was raised by my narcissistic mother and angry, alcoholic stepfather to be a chronic people pleaser with no development of personal boundaries. So a lifetime of allowing people to take everything from me, leave me empty and exhausted and then complain when I didn’t give them even more. I have no issues saying no to people now but I realised I still put others first before myself. I was spending too much and doing too much for others and wondering why I never had any money or any peace. When I discovered the philosophy of the Stoics, it changed my life. I’m still quite new to it all but I have seen huge improvements in my mental state and how I deal with people who push at my boundaries. Now I stop them cold whenever others try to run bad behaviour over me. I’m also having fun giving to myself emotionally, spiritually and financially and not giving a toss about what others think of me or whether they get angry at me for not being a doormat to them. Finding joy in the little things and the big things in my life has been life changing too

[mybroolstory]

I stopped it by dropping all of my social media outlets as well as withdrawing myself from all faux social circles. Never looked back ever since and my life has taken a 180 turn for the better. I knew deep down in my thoughts that I needed to focus on myself and my own well-being rather than putting others first.

[abdulazizhawsah]

Most humiliation is when I try to please others and then they ask me to stop 😬

[moonlightstargem]

I’ve found an alternative to holidays if narcissists ruin them. Spend the holiday by yourself on your own with your own money. Stop spending holidays with narcissists. Somehow they rage and ruin the holiday.

They will find a way to ruin the holiday. So go out to a little breakfast spot or buy yourself a little gift for Christmas or gift to the homeless. Anyone else gets a gift BUT the narcissist.

Narcissists do not deserve your kindness. Please gift yourself for Christmas. It’s most likely they will not appreciate what you gift them

[rebelandboltman]

I once was, and then I realized there was little to no reciprocation. Thank God I stopped.

[Geschichtenwelt]

For me it needed a complete mental breakdown followed by years of burnout, anxiety & panic attacks to stop people pleasing. My situation, my body & my mind, forced me to say no, bc whenever I didn‘t, my panic got worse. I felt bad saying no so often but I had no other choice if I wanted to heal. At some point, ppl got used to it & now I actually enjoy saying no a lot, it feels like the best thing I can do for myself/health.