I lost my community when I left the church 💔

What if I told you that the church community you’re missing wasn’t that healthy for you?

Many of us who were 100% devoted to a church community, then left, feel the traumatic effects of the loss of community. The grief. The loneliness. It's almost unbearable — kind of like leaving a cult...

If you’re embarking on a journey away from organized religion or just beginning to deconstruct, you may find my thoughts in this video helpful. If you’re looking for a community that affirms, validates, and supports you through it, I’m glad you’ve found us. You’re welcome to join the conversation on my socials.

Join the NakedPastor community on socials 🧡⛓

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[nakedpastor]

Do you have a community where you can talk through your problems? Share it below in case someone is looking for a safe place to belong 👇🧡

[TwoTrakMind]

Man, thank you for this, David. You nailed it. I can't stomach the idea of setting foot in a church service again, but I do miss the relationships. It reminds of a battered woman who continues to return to her abuser. Even though she endured so much pain, she keeps going back because she understands that life and has some sense of being accepted and loved there, regardless of how twisted that love is.

[pazu]

16yrs with a church - left 5 yrs ago. I just cannot step back into a church since than. It was "everything" like you described. Very difficult to articulate the experience of leaving 😢.

What hurts most is those relationships vaporized just like that once my family left. No real relationships can exist outside the cultish group.

[taniabryant]

Wowwwweee thanks for your honesty, I have battled this myself. I have so much to say, but I have always felt it’s very ironic that the church doesn’t encourage us associating with people outside the church, yet you’re constantly wanting to “get people saved”. Well, how are you supposed to reach those people??I have come to the realisation recently that I had an agenda with everyone I met, and I feel so guilty about it now.. anyways thank you for promoting healing x

[sharijohnson]

Thank you for this talk. Its the first talk I've heard describing what I lost when I left the cult I was in.

I am an Evangelical, funamentalist holiness Preacher's Kid who grew up in the church then I went to a missionary training center that had the same beliefs and joined their mission in Puerto Rico. We lived communally, working, eating, playing together 24/7, buying necessities with a $20 allowance and "trusting God" for the rest. Outside relationships were discouraged. Cruel abuse rampant but, it was home for 14 years. Unhealthy. Yes. Frightening because you never knew what was going to be demanded of you next. But, I miss the good, fun parts... the relationships I had and lost when I left. Yes, you were shunned if you left because you were leaving God's best for your life. When you joined, you gave up everything, including furniture, cars, future, inheritances...everything. And you joined for life. There is a part of me that will always miss my cult family. But, I am free now. I am not safe in church so I do not attend. LONELY, YES.

[triciab]

My family was devastated when we left the church. We lost all fellowship. My kids didn’t have friends or activities. It took us years to recover. We still are lonely but see how we are better off. We miss the community also.

[tommichaud]

Wow David! So much to process...
We've been out of church for almost 4 years (worship leader and Christian school principal) and while we miss the friendships we just can't sit under teaching that doesn't allow questioning. Having one guy talk at me for 45-60 minutes every Sunday and requiring total obedience to leadership just does not seem what Christ intended for His church.

[waynesmith]

Hi Dave! I belong to the Church of Wayne and Mary. We have closed out the membership rolls and when people try to follow us, we say, "Go start your own Church." Yes, I'm being a little humorous. I feel so much empathy for you and others that feel grief from being cut off from 'The Borg'. Resistance is not futile. God bless you for creating a safe space for people to heal.

[grantloomis]

Thanks for sharing David. It's not a perfect analogy but I felt similarly when I left the Army. I've had great friendships since but I've never had the level of intimacy with an ingroup as I did then. It's a high that I've been chasing for the last 15 years that has led to poor choices in relationships trying to regain that lost fellowship. As for why we seek this sort of bargain, I'm going to blame our scumbag brains that are still trying to get us to form tribes for survival. When that tribal togetherness happens, it hits us with dopamine to incentivize us to not stop (Not sure just a hunch).

[KonaACooke]

My husband and I got married a couple years ago and I invited friends from my church over my biological family because I thought they were my "real family". After pointing out leadership abuse and announcing our deconstruction, we were immediately abandoned by our "real family." Sometimes I think about how thin the line is in regards to the 'us versus them' mentality.

[belle]

This made me so emotional. Thank you for articulating. This is exactly what I've been grappling with the past few weeks. Since leaving the church, the high of freedom has come down and I noticed feelings of loneliness. I do have other friends but I still feel isolated sometimes. I got so used to the intensity in the church that you were talking about that I lost all sense of boundaries, with myself and others. I think I allowed my boundaries to be trampled on in the church because of the concept of accountability. I genuinely thought that pursuing godliness meant allowing other people to have a say on your entire life. Looking back, I realize it's toxic, controlling, stifling. It was not loving or godly at all--it was akin to programming. I'm really struggling with leaving all that behind. I hate myself for it sometimes but it is what it is. Thank you for being a voice as I navigate through all this. I really appreciate you.

[Liz-]

Leaving my church (LDS) that was my entire world was extremely lonely. You do lose your community. People never look at you the same. You ARE the outsider. I think it’s so hard, because we are programmed. It’s hard to change that programming. Your video is very eye opening and helpful.
Thank you for your videos and artwork. It’s been very helpful and healing. Much love to you.

[BeverlyBond-xx]

I tried many places to belong and never could so I finally gave up: not God. Just church. I watched other people belong and it hurt to go through recovery one more time till the next Sunday. I`m glad others get to have that. And I`m sorry for the people who lose it for what ever the reason. I find community in one on one encounters with somebody now and then who treats me like a real person and not some kind of Pinocchio. God is my "with" and He says I`m real.

[FireFox-khkc]

Wow. You put this so nicely and wrapped it up in a bow. I made a video of similar experiences and I feel as if I didn't explain my story too well. I got some backlash and my former pastor made a sermon about me the Sunday after. Which is impressive because I uploaded the video the night before. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. Your video has helped me see things with a broader perspective.

[Vorachan]

I just came to your you tube channel. You were recommended by someone else so here I am. I can relate to your experience of leaving your church community. However, I had moved away from New Brunswick to Nova Scotia leaving my church community that way. I did try a few churches in Nova Scotia, but it wasn’t the same. Years later I had a wonderful spiritual awakening experience that opened my eyes realizing church doctrines were causing harm to my spiritual growth because my whole basis of religion was based on fear and guilt. The Source of all life is love not fear. That was the beginning of the amazing journey I’m now on. Yes, I lost friends, but I gained so much more as my connection to Source God is in the Spirit of infinite love….no doctrines, no rituals, no judgment, just pure love for all humanity and self. There is so much more to it of course, but wanted to let you know that I appreciate your channel. Thank you.

[janezappia]

I was engrossed in the catholic community, and left the church in May 2020. I remember feeling like it was a toxic divorce between a narcissistic abuser, and a co-dependent, broken, spirit. Then I noticed I had other relationships that emulated the same toxic nature in my life and it was necessary to leave them behind as well. I think many of us have been programed through unresolved trauma and we associate a sense of being loved and belonging with abusive behavior as if they are intended to coexist. Living and loving my true self while setting boundaries is a new way of life for me, but it will help me be more aware of potentially toxic relationships, whether they are interpersonal, religious, or organizational. I am so grateful for your message and the conversations that lead to recovery.

[jenniechan]

After watching this, I realised that I’m religious programmed to want “closed” relationship with whom I can call “ friends”. But then all these years I can hardly find people like that. Now I know there’s problem with my expectation, rooted from the way we connected back in churches.

[annaadamcikova]

Hi David!
Thanks a lot for this reflexión.
I was religious in the missionaries of charity of mother Teresa for 27 years and coming out l fully identify myself with what you said and even with the story of going to university at 48 and study nursing!
It’s a real drama leaving the religious group.
Sometimes l wonder how we reached to this.
God gave us freedom as a gift so how the church can take it away and manipulate to the extent that even leaving we are affected for years.Please, let’s go on reflecting.Thanks again.

[glennboyes]

I too left the ministry (after more than 21 years; a bit of a push out the door); I have lost my community, but I never bought into the total involvement you describe. after returning to Canada from 3 years of aid & and development work in SE Asia, I've found quickly my "ties" to a faith community had come to an end. with Covid and stress fatigue illness for over 5 years, my life has become very isolated. where does one find community apart from the church; well I think you addressed that. maybe it is with new "friends" over a pint at my local craft brewery ...

[EstherH]

I left the church (Pentacostal) 11 years ago. It really was my entire life. As a youth, I was at the church 5 days a week doing various things like music practice, children's ministry, etc. As an adult, I got burnt out doing church activities. They were my family, but it was time to go