Compromise versus sacrifice: how to be constructively selfish in relationships

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People often say that relationships require compromise. However, in practice, this often amounts to the negotiated unhappiness of both parties. This is because the heart of compromise is always quid pro quo: I'll give up what I want now, and you'll give up your right to what you want later. An alternative to compromise is sacrifice, in which individuals choose to change in order to secure future benefit to themselves. Unlike compromise, there is no expectation that you will receive future consideration from your partner. It is inherently selfish -- but it preserves the freedom and dignity of the relationship.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available on Apple, Google, and Spotify.

#compromise #sacrifice #relationships

[jencrews]

Wow, this is a really great distinction. You helped me see that compromise is very transactional whereas sacrifice is loving.

[Artof_vrose]

I tried to tell my gf that I make sacrifices. “Giving up something I love for a greater good.” Like I gave up the comfort of staying in the house for a trip to Disneyland because it would do me good to try to learn to appreciate outdoor activities whilst at the same time building shared experiences with my gf that we could look fondly to someday in the future. But when I said the word “sacrifice” she took it to mean that I did something that was a hassle to me.

I’m glad to see someone posted a video that aligns their message to my train of thought. Unfortunately now I have to work to appease my partner for using a word she didn’t like. Womp womp.

[nobodyspecial-ztke]

The point is that it has to be a two way street. "My way or the high way" is a guaranteed recipe for failure in any relationship - personal or professional but most importantly in actual marriages. Double standards are beyond toxic and a serious red flag of what the future holds if noticed early on. You cannot seriously expect a person to "see it your way" when you have categorically refused to do the same in previous instances. If what you want is for something to be seen your way then you better be prepared to reciprocate that. Sacrifice from time to time is necessary but what some people seem to expect is complete denial of self and abdication of any sense of personal boundaries under the guise of "making things work" but being completely unwilling to do the same. Respect is earned not given for nothing. You want someone to see things your way then be willing to and actually attempt to see things their way. You want to be treated in a respectful manner and your boundaries respected? Be prepared to do the same. THAT is how bridges are built. THAT is how relationships work. THAT is how marriages work. Otherwise what happens is a total imbalance of power and the result is one partner continuously sacrificing and acquiescing to the demands of the other. Period.

If a person isn't willing to state their boundaries and actually enforce them by adopting and then applying consequences for conscious violation of those boundaries then whatever the result of that is on them. Expectation of respect for mutual observance of boundaries and participation in compromise if not collaboration is not a matter of pride. It's basic self respect and for anyone who's ever had to climb the mountain to regain their own self respect it's simply not something that person will ever willingly sacrifice for anyone for any reason.

[SheriK]

My! I'm relating after listening twice..Sharing asap..such a paradigm shift for me.

[YouilAushana]

Comprises are only painful for selfish losers. Sacrifice is truly painful.

[stevehancock]

This idea seems to be possible only if both partners see sacrifice the same way and there's some sort of equity involved. Otherwise, there's only one person sacrificing and the other is only benefitting. Eventually, the one making all the sacrifices realizes they are only one doing all the giving and the one who has been benefitting as entitled to everything they want from the other.

[jamlaw]

But isn't compromise also potentially "i agree to give something up for the betterment/harmony of my relationship"? I like this idea but I'm not sure you can always convince yourself a sacrifice is just for you. That seems more like rationalizing in order to not feel like someone is pushing you around. What about in the cases when the sacrifice would be, for example, not to stop playing video games for yourself. But to stop because the person you love wants to spend time with you and you can see how spending time with them is more fulfilling than playing a video game for 40 hours a week, in the long run. Because it seems to me that not every will always have an apparent benefit just to onself. Or does this just mean the only way not to have resentment is to co Vince yourself that you're doing something for yourself? I feel good when i do things for someone i love.. i think that's important and maybe a balance between the two is a good idea. Just some thoughts 😊

[francodangelo]

Have heard a similar idea articulated I'm another manner, from Peterson, he said something along the lines of "don't agree to do something with your partner, just to get along with him/her state what you want" and later on a follow up someone whose identity I ignore, clarify that "yeah state what you want but also sometimes do what you don't like because you love your partner"

I'm kind of reticent to use selfish as an adjective to describe the rationalization behind this behaviour, and have been using compromise associated to relationships cause doesn't matter from what perspective you analize the relationship neither partner is gonna get exactly what he wants from from his/her significant other, so both end up compromising some characteristic they would like in his/her partner for another that they seem to prioratize regardless of this situations arising or not

but, all in all, forgoing the semantics, and my almost pedantic argument, I think is a good point to make, and to be aware of, every time this kind o situations arise in a relationship
So thanks for sharing

[ReigningFlame]

You, sir, need more subscribers! This content is amazing.

[solidwegy]

The way I view compromise is a balance "no one gets more than the other" it should be use for big things like building boundaries that keeps both spouses in check. We agree to do the best to keep each other happy just like we promised when we got married.

[XxXxXOzoneXxXxX]

Here my views in this compromise vs sacrifice
Compromise: meaning both parties has different goals in life but meets in the happy middle and both parties can be happy.
Sacrifice: meaning both parties have different goals in life, BUT one both parties are in a stale mate until someone full sacrifice/surrender their own desires in order to make the other party happy, and its worse when the other party refuses to sacrifice anything at all in there life.
So to me i believe compromising means both parties love eachother to find a middle ground, while sacrificing meaning one party has to suffer while the other party becomes selfish

[Straga_Severa]

This concept of "sacrifice" requires a really good boundary setting skill - or else you'll get used and abused. So much that if you have this skill, the sacrifice itself is not nessesary.

[marcelamunoz]

This is funny, I understand this exactly in the invierted way. When you make a sacrifice it's an offering to a higher being (the lover maybe?) But when I compromise it's for me, and no one else

[strangerrose]

v useful-never thought of things that way before. x

[brandonvenezia]

What if you don’t see the benefit to that sacrifice?

[anthonyperrault]

Is asking my partner to do something she doesn’t want to do (e.g., go on a 5-day hike with me) because it will increase my happiness if she were present for the experience a compromise or sacrifice? Later, when she asks me to do something that I don’t want to do (e.g., attend a wedding) for the same reason, I am more likely to do it because I remember that she did something for me that she didn’t want to do. Should neither of us agree to do what the other wants if we don’t actually want to do it, or should we accommodate the other? How should we make those decisions, and what do we call the process - compromising or sacrificing?

[habi]

Thanks for the good video! Basically this is the same as alignment Of energy (directions) between several things effecting the outcome. In decisionmaking it’s the most important aspect that you have to answer to yourself. Does this help me in some way on not. Is there a costs on the alternatives that your not willing to make (sacrifice or need of compromise)

[Repienk]

So what if my gf asks me to text her more but I don’t want to because I want to text her when I want to and not when she wants me too? (We are long distance btw)

[Medicine_Woman]

So how does that work for compromise when one person refuses to see any shows that are not to their idea of a good movie but expects the other to go to one that they like even though they are sick of the same type of movies being the one chosen or there is no date. The night out is over 🤔🫣 I think both compromise and sacrifice need to be considered in relation to context.