How To Connect with Your Parents #MarriedToATherapist

How To Connect with Your Parents #MarriedToATherapist //

Are you wanting to connect more with your parents but not sure where to start? Are you wanting to connect to your mom or dad and feel love from them? Watch this video as we talk about building connections and maintaining them across the generations.

#MendedLight
#MarriedToATherapist
#HowToConnectWithYourParents

[tomboyhns]

I would like to know more about this, specifically as someone transitioning to adulthood and how to get respect and forming opinions separate from my parents while still loving them

[nikkyk]

This is something I have given up on. Not because I believe that I am unlovable or I’m not being myself, I am okay with myself and I go to therapy to manage my mental health. My parents on the other hand are in constant denial about their horrible parenting and they refuse to see me as an individual with hopes and wishes. I am their child and nothing else. I’m not a human, an adult, a being with a life and emotions, I’m just their child and therefore everything they did to me was perfectly fine. Spoiler warning, it was not fine, it was damaging in so many ways. My mom asked me what she could do to improve our relationship and I told her what she could do….she straight up said no.

[sergioruiz]

Im really lucky that I am able to communicate with my parents as an adult about my childhood. My mom and Dad are fully aware they may have made mistakes and sat down with me and asked how my childhood was for me from an adult's perspective. They allowed me to express my grievances and allowed me to express openly how I felt without judgment. However lol it was met with some defensiveness from their perspective of events at points, but we were able to come to an understanding. Also was a good environment to express my own personality flaws and they theirs often, especially with my mother, based on her childhood. Still don't get me, but they realize I am just an introverted person.

[alyciamg]

She doesn’t allow any collaboration in our dynamic, yet she expects so much openness. She has no time but always says come talk to me. She thinks she’s open minded but only opens the conversation to topics she believes she’s right or it’s just an interesting topic

[heartofdawn]

As a trans person with childhood trauma growing up in a conservative environment, I never felt safe, seen or accepted by my parents. Yes they loved me and did the best they could, but I couldn't ever tell them who I really was, nor all the pain I carried.

[atinyevil]

This really hits home. I grew up in my grandparents’ house and my grandmother is very smothering to the point where it’s overbearing (think Beverly Goldberg). I’ve recently learned that I am most likely autistic. I don’t have a diagnosis at this time, but I display most traits autistic people have, which includes sensory issues and getting easily overwhelmed. So when she smothers me, it’s overwhelming and I tend to lash out and tell her I don’t like that. I’ve tried to sit down with her and tell her I don’t like these things, I’ve tried to tell her the way my therapist helped me lay it out. But every time I tell her I don’t like things, it always ends in her saying “you don’t like anything”, or “you just want to be angry all the time”, or “I guess I can’t do anything right”. Which is very annoying and also it makes me feel like I’m the one being unreasonable, even though I know I’m not. I’m just trying to set boundaries.

[anonymousfellow]

Being called “critical” and “judgmental” …that hit hard. My parents have always accused me of that since I was 6 years old—ie, school aged. School didn’t go well; I have a current therapist who calls it c-ptsd which is…fair. I can’t always call it that myself ‘cause while I never went through physical endangerment (aside from sexual harassment and occasionally adult men trying to physically herd me since I was 12; and at one point trying to take my own life at 7 then simply wishing I’d Never Wake Up ever since) and well. It just feels so…petty I guess.

And because my trauma was mostly social/verbal/psychological bullying and getting singled out daily to multiple times a day and having “explosive” lash-out (as in I shouted and sometimes knocked things over trying to get away—gotta love adhd) my parents just DON’T Get It—they went through “worse” why can’t I just “get over it/snap out of it.” And periodically since I was 12 to my early 20s I did truly try to have conversations with them about how I felt/why I keep “flipping my lid” when they get this LOUD and Patronizing Tone where they’re clearly already ticked off with me and treating me like I’m stupid but calling it “Patient” and “Gentle.” It just never goes well, only gets me accused of being “Harsh” and a sarcastic “we’re terrible parents we can never do anything right we’re not going to talk to you again Your Royal Highness.”

So…I have to hide my anxiety and anger from them now, or at least try to. I’m still bad at it ‘cause they still “know” me enough to “read” me but still not KNOW Me at all—they still set off my triggers, I still can’t truly be honest with them, they still can’t accept that I’m not their little Mini Me Yes Woman with, say, religion and politics anymore. (And half of that was just wanting to be accepted by them so I assumed they Knew Best and parroted whatever they believed regarding religion and social issues. But the REAL Me has always been liberal to the point of antiauthoritarian, especially with gender and cultural/racial minorities.)

My mental health and physical health is also now bad enough that I can’t simply “just get a retail job” and hoard income until I have enough savings to move out (with a roommate or three with This Economy, let’s face it.) So it’s like walking on eggshells around them when the only Safe conversation is almost quite literally The Weather. Not even hobbies or media—they don’t share the same one, and constantly put down MY Interests in varying ways to the point I have practice anxiety while Also being “we don’t Understand This but This Sucks/This Peak Achievement is your New Normal/why won’t you just Gig This/you should Use This For God TM.” It’s soured things just as much as my physical health making those things physically hurt me has—I’m trying to work with my therapist with the Burnout, but I’m not sure she really Gets It either since it’s NOT “professional TM” it’s scholastic and religious and social souring things (and now physical.)

Then when I realized that I’m not Just Ace and Arospec, I’m also bi-romantic/aesthetic…and my family is NOT safe with how they talk about the Queer Community…it just feels like there’s never going to be any sort of reconciliation. And I can’t even rip the bandaid off until I’m financially and physically/mentally stable enough to either land on my feet or roll out of a fall. So the wedge just keeps getting bigger as they think I Don’t Love Them TM (which isn’t true; but it can be hard to /like/ them with the Childhood Trauma + political and queer divide. And they’ve made it clear that while they love me they don’t always /like/ me either ‘cause I don’t take everything they say as Gospel Fact anymore.)

[ActiveAdvocate]

Dad gets me. Mom does not. Her ENTIRE LIFE is her job. Every waking moment is directed towards her work, every minute of sleeping or eating is so that she can do her job better the next day. The entire thing is just one big slog, and I am SINCEELY worried about what is going to happen to her after she retires. She has no hobbies, she has no friends, she HATES, and I mean HATES, my father, and they only ever fight--trust me, I'm home for all of it--and she pretty much just sees him as another job. As to me, she doesn't really see me at all .I'm just a mouth to be fed at meals, and then I go back into my office, behind the door of which I pretty much LIVE nowadays, and...she doesn't have to worry about me anymore. She can go ack to sulking and watching TV. And look, I GET that I'm sulking right now, I do, but I have it when people do it habitually. And yes, I HAVE tried talking to her. She just puts me down and shoos me away like a little pest .And I'm 31 years old. She needs therapy DESPERATELY, and she will never, ever get it. She's too proud. Is there any way I can communicate with her that you can think of?

[mayly]

My father has a lot of issues and respecting his daughter(26yo) doesn't even cross his mind because "he's the adult, he's the father, he has to be obeyed no matter what" and when he felt like saying no to me about something, I had to obey. And if I disobey, I'm impolite, shameless, stubborn, overall the total opposite of what I am and what he tells me when he's happy with me.

[eranshachar]

Let me tell you something. My parents were two separate poles and they still are. I am a person with health issues, that I can live with but I am from childhood. My mom was always highly protective of me, I never felt what a real independence is until my military service. She gave a form of love in her eyes, forceful love because she always felt sorry for me. Even until today, most of her conversations with me are on food and health. My father was a Navy Captain, harsh military man who always been a provider of money but couldn't show love because he never got it. He was home in the weekend, and then he was all over the couch reading newspaper and drinking Coffee. And screw his family, there was no chance to switch a word with him. If I come to hug him he is allowing but tapping in return. And we can sit hours with either of us opening their moths. In the past both of them hurt me and lied to me. So today I only pretend to love and trust them, because I don't want to cause chaos, but I don't love them and I don't trust them. This is my sad truth.

[visualartsbyjr]

Father left the family when I was six. I had the chance to see him ten years later. After an awkward 6 minutes I turned around knowing I'll never see him again (34 years later and no regrets). Mom died 1.5 years ago. Although we were on positive standing there still was an underling tension that I'm not sure would have went away (let's just say I was a ward of the courts throughout my late teens).

That being said; would I want to change things so that I could have that parental connection I lacked? Hard to answer as I know that if I changed anything I wouldn't be the person I am today. I may not be fond of where I am in life at the moment; however, I like who I am as a person. Was too much of a mental & emotional journey to get to this point.

TMI? hehe. Felt like sharing this rainy morning apparently.

[cappuchino_creations]

My Mom has a history of trauma and violence and my dad lost his parents temporarily through imprisonment of both. It took me so long as a child to see the difference between "I experienced childhood trauma" and "They did the best they could and they have been repeatedly taught that the world seems like a dangerous unfair and humiliating place"

I feel like sometimes as a neglected child it is wise to heal our wounds in order to help our parents heal theirs....

[bruyeremc]

I wish with everything in my heart that it were possible to have a bond with my mother. She came from horrific abuse and I always understood that and gave her pass after pass. I was essentially her therapist and emotional caregiver from toddlerhood. Pretense was all I knew of her, there was no “mom” to attach to, only need and control and gaslighting and manipulation. I tried everything to get her to even have a smidge of basic empathy for me, but I would get one of two responses when I needed support: “that sounds like first world problems” and change the subject or “I’m not gonna talk about that, I want to sleep tonight, ” and change the subject. After months of unproductive and retraumatizing family therapy, culminating in my appendix rupturing, I had to cease contact with her. And my abusive father is dead. So, this just filled me with longing for a connection that I will never have.

[BadNessie]

Figuring out communication between ask culture / personalities and guess culture / personalities could be an interesting related topic!

[emily.m]

I'd like to thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences with your Mother. I feel like you could be describing my own with my Mom! I am currently at a place of feeling like she failed me, but I agree with you that the lesson I will take raising my own children is that no matter what happens, I will always let them know they are loved.

[ActiveAdvocate]

PS: And believe this or not, I DO want a relationship with my mom. I got dad's heart, yes, but I got her brain and her spine. She's brave, she takes care of EVERYONE else firs, she's smart, she's loyal, she's got integrity coming out her ears. I got those things from her. I mean...she IS 50% my DNA, so no wonder.

[BelgorathTheSorcerer]

My mom definitely loves me a lot, but she made it clear that if I ever murdered my brother, she would disown me. I would definitely never do that though, so it was more or less unconditional love. My dad was pretty hard to live with though. Now I have a son, and he has a condition called Fragile X Syndrome, and it's extremely difficult to connect with him. Doing the best I can with him, is really all I can do. I definitely don't understand him. He has a very different way of looking at the world.

[lioba]

Thank you so much for this video and the other ones you have made. You really do help, a lot a lot.

I am trying to heal my relationship with my father and as an adult I can now see how we kids were always loved by him but simply, I did not get it. I did not believe it because he was so far away and communicated it in a way I did not understand. Now I am glad that we have a good relationship but there is so much (both addressed and unspoken) hurt and lost time. And still, so many unhealed aspects within my family. I am grateful for what I have now, though. Still: how can people start out with the best intentions, and do their best, and still everyone in that situation gets hurt? It makes me so sad. Then again, I wouldn't be who I am today if not for those experiences, so I consider myself lucky. Lucky, that there is still time. Some things just can't be undone. But: they might be mended, if we choose to risk giving up our armours and just speak our truths, needs, wishes, experiences, feelings, and maybe grief together what's been lost. I'm glad I finally get to know my dad, and feel loved by him, too.

[brandy]

I’m 40 years old, and I have never had a good relationship with my mother. My very first memories are of her screaming and ranting at me about all the ways in which I was lacking. I was always too much and not enough at the same time. Of course she didn’t understand me, and she didn’t care to. She just wanted me to be different in some way that I wasn’t capable of. We haven’t spoken in about 8 years. After all these years, I have come to realize that I don’t understand her anymore than she ever understood me. I have no ability to understand her choices, her misery, her hopes, or her dreams. I am now the age my mother was when I was in my late teens, and all I am left with is absolute horror at her beliefs, values, and choices that she made for me at that age. Time has not given me a better understanding of my own mother, or any perspective on her. I’m just left even more confused. So I guess in that way my mother an I are the same.

[hannahpatwell]

Great video! Just wondering, what would you recommend if a parent or both parents give unsolicited advice when you weren't asking for it?