A Psychologist's Perspective on the 'No-Contact' Rule After a Breakup

In this insightful article, a psychologist shares their perspective on the post-breakup 'no-contact' rule, offering valuable insights and advice for navigating this challenging time.

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[Ms_Introvert__Life]

I don't try to stay in contact with exes after we are officially done. I don't want to take an ex into a new relationship. They have no business being there, even as "just a friend". NO.

[efanden]

I always went no-contact with my exes because why would we still talk after that ?

I don't get the "being friend with my ex" but I suppose that each relationship is different.

Last time, I tried to stay friend with my ex. And it didn't work because we didn't have anything to talk about and it became weird. Also, I'm all about decentering men lately and I'm careful even about my friendships.

Actually, I would have kept giving emotional labor as a friend. I didn't want to do it as a girlfriend so why would I as a friend ?

The no-contact rule after break-up is the way to go for me. Less confusing. It helps with the healing.

[thirstwithoutborders]

I think the number one reason I never had very traumatic or dramatic breakups was because I always went no contact forever. Let's have a final talk, then divide our stuff and say goodbye in a civilised way.

I saw my friends with very dramatic breakups stay in contact every time, either to be "friends" or secretly hoping they would come back, only to pour salt into their wounds and have a second round of pain and drama when one or the other started going out with others. A relationship would have had to be very long, roommate like at the end and involve kids to consider friendship, for me.

The one time an ex, after quite a long relationship, wanted to be back in my life "to see our shared cat😒", he basically wanted me to do the emotional labor of listening to him and advising him, but that was apparently not worth keeping it in his pants. Buhbye.

[JFoster]

Once I break up that’s it. It like that other person never existed. Why would I want to keep up with someone who has expressed that they no longer want to be with me?

[marie_williams]

Yes, no contact after a break up was essential for my healing. I tried to maintain a friendship (via an email group with mutual friends), but it became too much. I left the email group explaining my reasons. Everyone understood except my ex. He thought maybe I wanted to have separate contact with him away from the group. I again politely explained, that wasn't a good idea and said I needed time to heal. He still refused to hear what I was saying and only heard me when I got stern with him. Ah well, he wouldn't have been a good friend anyway if he was 'incapable' of listening to my needs. We've had no contact since then, and it was for the best.

[ShanaJahsintaWalters]

I am friends with none of my exes. And I am certain I am happier for it. ❤❤❤

[ThimbleFox]

Tried staying friends with an ex with clear defined boundaries that we would be "just friends" NO benefits. Somehow he chose not to hear that last part and continued to sexually harass and demand things from me. Anyways I guess you could say we're no contact as I have him blocked and will never engage with him or allow him any kind of access to me again.

[ShiningLight]

When it’s over, that’s it! No more contact. If co-parenting, keep conversations to the kids only!!!

[loralove]

I wouldn't go back to my old job and ask if they need help, so why would I go back to a failed relationship or friendship 🤔 It's OK to end chapters or seasons

[kyrabarr]

It's important during the no contact days to have activities where you can do things that fill up your own personal cup. Go to the library, purchase an arts and craft kit, learn a new skill.

I would also encourage you to get a journal and write your feelings down. Then over time you can look back over your words and find encouragement.

You can also find new hobbies that you enjoy doing. Go on long walks, maybe rent and watch movies that you enjoy, those are things that can help you through the process.

[Soleilsorrel]

When I'm done, I'm done. I never thought of it as no contact. I think my last bf thought we weren't through. I don't play games and I mean what I say. It was still hard. After venting to my friends I still wasn't done, but I wasn't going to talk their heads off lol. Journaling has always been helpful to me. One week before my bday. Smh I definitely recommend it. Emotional roller-coaster rides aren't fun.

[DuttyGyal]

This depends on the ex. A few of them I've known for years and since childhood. The splits were amicable. So we are capable of being friends and are friends to this day.

[Ohdeesseous]

I had to do this with my ex because i allowed him to disrespect me too many times. He still stalks me on LinkedIn to this day.😩

[greenytaddict]

Alot of men need therapy because we keep seeing stories of them going full on stalker and unliving women. Or they jump into a new relationship dragging their trash bags into it instead of doing the inner work of healing.

[misslola]

I had to learn from experience bc he would try to triangulate me. Never again.

[HannaBenana]

I've always done this. It's the only way to quickly heal and move on, for me at least. Prevents jealousy from future partners as well. As well adjusted as anyone can be, I imagine having your ex partner involved in your life would make a new potential partner wary. Rightfully so, imo.

[DJRenee]

People are having to see in writing why you shouldn't have random sex mor children. Essier to walk away with a broken heart. Adding other humans is some a--hol- type ish for real. But sex isn't necessary for a relationship to work.

[Ebizzill]

I am mentally incapable of maintaining a friendship with someone I was so intimate with after we break up.

[vanell]

I'm amicable, but not exactly friends with 2 exes, both of whom I had good relationships with. The rest are irrelevant, were terrible partners, or I otherwise have no interest in maintaining contact. My LTR, we were together 9 years and engaged. He cheated and left me. Years and therapy later, I'm grateful he left. Had I married him, I'd be miserable, a college drop out, and have kids I never he'd still be cheating 😂 The other, we broke up for 2 reasons: Forced distance due to Covid lockdowns (he lives in Italy), and he was undecided about having kids, and it wasn’t fair to me to wait for him because we'd have broken up if he wanted them anyway. We amicably stopped talking for 8 months after and haven't seen one another since 2020. Though we're still on good terms.

[michelledavidson]

Narcissists mind control their victims. So, no contact is the only way to break the control they have established through conditioning responses in the victim.