last days

0:00 sonicbrat - a matter of time
5:07 akira kosemura - momentary
6:57 hideyuki hashimoto - kagamino
10:27 sonicbrat - niao
15:46 ry_ha - promise
18:48 hideyuki hashimoto - endroll

~~~
spotify playlist:

follow me :)

[_crisiscache_]

this playlist is comforting in a sort of sad way. I have a chronic illness, while not fatal, is hard to live with. its painful, invisible, and exhausting. in recent years there's been more and more talk of medically assisted suicide within my community; and while I am no where close to the point in my illnesses progression that I'm thinking of going through with it, it lingers in the back of my mind. there may come a day I opt to leave my broken body of my own terms. that death will be a mercy on me, that I will have time to say my goodbyes, that I will be at peace. there is also the scarier thought of my illness processing to a point that I'm bed ridden before I'm ready to go and having to witness milestone from a bed.

these songs feel like staring at the same window, wall, or spot; watching it change ever so slightly as time wears on. this sounds like being able to hold the baby one last time, having one last talk with a lover, giving a pet that one last treat, spending that one last day in the sun.

its sad, but its also a reality, to both the healthy and the sick. it's just a reality I accepted far younger then most. this playlist is like the next step in closure, and while to some, learning to accept my death and demise years before that potential arises is morbid, for me its healing. if I learn to not be afraid now, if I learn to let go, it will be easier to let go when my body is too broken to continue.

[HanakoHoshizora]

“If I can see you again, I hope it’ll be the same weather it was when we met.”
- from my favourite webnovel Nari and the Fish 😭

[joeyelovee]

When I was young, anything could empress and making me excited, a chocolate bar, a new toy, when I was young, I wished if I had my own cellphone like grownups do, you know, children could always enjoy simple things, but now as 23/yrs old, everything seems dormant and rigid that even these simple things like chocolate and toys won’t bring me joy and passion. I wanna feel joy and happiness from the bottom of my heart. That one day I would wake up in the morning and do my daily routine in a lively personality without wondering why did i ever wakeup and wished if I had continue my sleeping, I don’t like waking up in the mornings cuz I’m always alone and I don’t feel like to make my breakfast, I want to feel alive again.

[seanfan]

This feels like a wise elder is telling me about those beautiful old days

[anik]

"In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you."

[adu]

人生を楽しんだ後、いつかまたここに戻ってきます。
この音楽に出会えて良かった。

[ignisfatuus]

Living as an adult is hard. Listening to musics like this can either mend your heart or you'll just shed tears.

[sherb]

I feel like I’ve lived my entire life looking forwards when I should’ve been enjoying the moment. I wanted to have a phone like the older kids, I wanted to be independent and live off of myself and I wanted to grow up fast. I wish I had learned to enjoy the present back then and not be so focused on the future. To anyone reading this, live life to the fullest, cherish what you have before it’s too late. And now, I feel as if I’m looking backwards, wanting to experience my childhood again. But, it’s far too late now and all I can do is enjoy the rest of my life.

[WYATTWHATWHY]

i do things to just make me happy now. i jump into puddles because i wanna get wet and if anyone sees me then they can be inspired to do the same. i walk slow in the rain to feel it hit me and if anyone questions why im not rushing countlessly then they can be inspired to do the same. i do things when no one is looking, i put coins on traffic light buttons and i wear mismatched socks because i always close my eyes when i go in my sock drawer. evaluating on that, if i pick out the same two socks i go out in them for treats. i spin around in circles for hours just to spin. i sleep with my cats on the sun covered floor just to wonder what it'd be like to be one of them. i block people on the internet just to block them. i never cut my garden because i want it to heal itself.

i buy things i dont need and then give them to friends that don't need them either because i can, i give my friends double birthday presents because i can. i keep my windows of my car down when im driving even if it's freezing because i can. i wear those stupid clear coats in the rain when i really can't be getting wet that day. i drink coffee even though i hate it because i like the image of me drinking coffee, and i think that tastes better than me hating it forever. i refuse to try new foods because i live in mundanity and i like it.

i do embarrassing things to be embarrassed, i do scary things to be scared and i get angry to get angry. and sometimes im sad for no reason and i have done horrible, horrible and painful things but i fixed those mistakes with duct tape and a good bit of love and its marginally okay now but the important part is thats become a part of me to.

my point is, you dont have to be the universe experiencing itself infinitely to have a fulfilling life. maybe you can just be someone having a life. maybe you can just be someone with a heart that beats in a room alone, maybe you can wiggle your toes and you can stretch and you can hold your breath just because.

[NotReallyAHero]

I'll leave my comment here so that if someone likes, I can come back to this masterpiece

[MidosujiSen]

On January 18th 2020, I wrote "I live so I can one day feel alive again" in my notes. That day hasn't come yet, but I still think it will.

[archanatomachang]

"I carry no memories of sweet-teenage life, just few years of childhood and had to choose to be an adult. I wonder, how beautiful it would have been, to live my teenage years as a happy-free-teen, having friends and so much more. I have lived my pre-teen and teenage years with/in anonymity, wishing for a friend..."
I hope everyone of us will have better life, comfortable life...a home that feels like a home.
Also if you read this comment I'd love to let you know I have a family(mum, dad, brother)...I have always had them.❤
Have a great day/good sleep. *hugs


Edit: 04.01.2023
At around 05:40 p.m. yesterday I lost my baby "Snowie". I felt her cold-dead body. I was shattered, realizing that I won't ever see her again, I won't get a genuine-happy-hug from her ever again.
She was a lovely companion, lovely dog. I miss her tonight. I realized my heart aches for the truth that I won't see her ever again, I can no longer touch her soft-white-fur.
I have her in my gallery, in my memory.
My heart burns. It aches. I miss her.🐾❤
Mortal but loyal, she was.
Snowie.🫀🐾

[whoosh_angel]

This just caused me to look back on my entire life up till now (34). My childhood, the sad and traumatic and beautiful and happy parts. My teens, my twenties. I often look back and think “what a waste” because of the trauma and abuse, and my own drug and alcohol use, and lack of life achievements. But then I remember the good times too. The playing with Barbies and watching music videos with childhood friends. The parties and shows with friends as a teen. Little random strolls to the coffee shop. Browsing bookstores and walking around downtown. But most of all, the people. Even those who aren’t around anymore. Those who touched my life, whose lives I touched. I have a tendency to only remember the bad parts of my life, how things ended, and not all the good that happened in between. It has been messy, but certainly not a waste. And if I’m lucky, there’s still more waiting.

[rottenpizza]

I felt I needed to say how much I like this :] it's been my last days of highschool and I've been listening to this when I get sad, it helps me calm down

[jaearen]

i'm creeping into the last days of my first semester of university. i made the conscious decision to leave the school - despite the lingering thought that perhaps it was too soon for me to fully know whether or not i'd succeed there in the end. in reality, being there has ruined me, but i know that when i leave i will get to move forward and improve at last - i won't forget the terrible time i've had there, instead i'll process my feelings, understand them, and grow. i guess, then, that these are my last days of being the person i never wanted to be; i'm ready to live my life the way i've always wanted to.

[carnigob]

i'm grateful to be autistic. even after losing most of my relatives, losing friends, getting evicted, living through trauma, surviving mental illness, i never lost that happy childlike wonder. i stare at the clouds and watch the raindrops racing down the car window. i make up little stories in my head. i spin around and sing and dance. i cry when the music is good and when i see something cute. and personally i attribute that to autism, to the overwhelming amount of emotion i can feel and the desire for sensory stimulation. this mix gives me the warm fuzzies. thank you.

[yna]

Last days are precious
when we know that something is coming to an end, whether it's a person, a relationship, a place, or an event, it often stirs up a bittersweet mix of emotions. we become acutely aware of the fleeting nature of the moment, and we're driven to cherish every little detail and memory that connects us to it. it's like a natural instinct to want to capture and hold on to those moments as tightly as we can, knowing that they will soon become memories. it's a beautiful way to honor the significance of what we're saying goodbye to and to ensure that it lives on in our hearts and minds.

[myquiescentmind]

This reminded me of the drifting memories I have of spending time at laundry mats with my mother.
We were poor and living in a tiny trailer, so we'd always go down to the local rinky-dink laundry mat together, and I'd sit on the cheap plastic chairs, watch my mom, and hum weird songs to myself while I imagined so many things I don't even think about anymore.
I can recall the smell of the detergent, the crisp clinking sound of all the coins, the low buzz of three dryers running, the rolls of pennies my mom gave me to hold, the faded colors of everyone else's clothes, the sun reflecting so intensely off of all the white washers.

I had a strange life growing up, and those moments helped to keep things from being too much sometimes.
To this day, I find laundry mats exceptionally comfortable; there's just something really intimate and utterly normal about a place for anyone to do laundry together that makes me smile a little.

[lugagatheprawn]

it’s 5:08am… pouring heavily outside my window. my mind is suddenly racing with so many hopeful thoughts about the future and fondly reflecting about the past. then I decided to turn to YouTube and found this gem at the right moment…

As an 18 yr old, unlike the popular view, I do not really have a desire of returning to my childhood (not that I don’t love it)… why? perhaps it’s bcos as a young teenager taking my A Levels now, I have faith that life will be better in the future. i could possibly meet new best friends… i could live a new life with new dorm mates in university overseas in the future just like in the thumbnail. i could finally confess to the one I truly like…

with so many hopes for the future, I believe we should remain optimistic and try not to keep looking back at our past. we should probably think about how we can make our lives better from today onwards :’) ❤

P.S. tysm for all the heartwarming replies

[akumanordskog]

This music feels like loosing that genuine happiness I felt as a kid. That happiness that filled my whole body, that made my heart flutter. I want to feel that again, not just this “happy” face that I put on for others.