This is why you're not popular

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In this video, I reflect on what makes a person popular (hint: it's not necessarily the same thing that makes you a good friend), and how to instill more of that trait if your goal is popularity.

Time Stamps:
0:00 Popular people have one thing
2:20 Popular people are fun
4:07 Akiflow!
6:00 How to be more fun
14:57 Popularity does not make you good
15:37 Conclusion

Intro music: Smooth and Cool by Nico Staf
Outro music: Lensko Let’s Go

[HrodnandB]

To an introvert person like myself, this is actually a good reminder why after a certain level of maturity I just intentionally never wanted to become popular. Thank you!

[TrevorSnaith-xlfz]

I never wanted to be popular i just wanted to be accepted by those who cared about me, just a small amount of people.

[Canoby]

I just can't believe my mother lied to me when she said all the other kids were just jealous of how smart I am.
/for real some of the ways parents teach kids to cope sets them up for failure later in life, but hey Ana can discuss this in a far more educated, nuanced, and informed manner than I can

[thisanonymous]

Have an acquaintance who comes across SO fun. She’s quick-witted, popular, and outgoing. She’s constantly posting her outings with tons of different friend groups. I always admired that.

We share a mutual friend and would hangout occasionally. When I reached out to her for one-on-one meetups, she gave excuses, but then she’d post me on her instagram making it seem like we were much closer.

One day, us three went out to brunch and she drank a little too much and started berating the waiter and started crying. She felt justified in her behavior and tried to get him fired for forgetting her tea.

It made me realize all that glitters is not gold. I’d rather choose good morals over popularity.

[gregorykl]

so true about the observation that popular people are often cruel ash. I always used to watch how they act and they're literally bullies... I was asking myself, how do people even like those animals? I havent ever felt any kind of emotional pull towards such people, only disgustment. Neither did i undrestand how do they become popular. Maybe it's just me tho. Thanks, Ana!

[mariiakondratiuk]

My problem is that I want to be more popular, but I hate being fake and having to change my personality, which is why I end up disliked a lot. I can't act confident when I'm really not

[colbykamilah]

Nothing wrong with being popular, it’s great for networking and feeling like you always have friends. However, I find a lot of popular people are shallow. They give lots of compliments and make jokes, and that’s about it. Many of them are also competitive, jealous and insecure. I think it’s great to have a lot of people who think positively about you, and popularity gives people that feeling, I guess.

[aleidius]

Extraverted people tend to be popular, but I think certain types of introversion can also generate social capital. I was very taciturn in high school and I did not have many friends because most of them had graduated by the time I became a sophomore. I was shocked when one of my teachers told me that I was respected by my peers.

I think when people see still water they assume depth!

[tyleryoast]

I think a fun person is someone who, through play, acknowledges the harsh truths we don't want to address in a way that makes them momentarily untrue. It gives everyone permission to let go of their self-consciousness for a little while and just be free in the moment.

[akirashiori]

Dr. Ana coming out with bangers lately

[Sanguine]

I was a very awkward child. Probably would have gotten diagnosed as on the spectrum back then. Couldn't read social cues, never funny, and qas more on the introverted side. But when I started a new school at age 14 I consciously decided to turn up my "charisma" (the way you described it as an interested conversationalist) and high energy, started taking social risks, and was elected school president. By every definition I became very popular - many people admired me, some hated me, but everyone knew me and I was always invited. Can't say that it made me that much happier, but it was an interesting experience. Very well summarised video.

[Therealkingk]

As someone who was voted most popular in my graduating class in college, I gotta agree. You lowkey just kinda nailed my personality for the most part. Outgoing, adventurous, warm, good conversationalist, high energy etc. I’ve always been called the life of the party since high school but no one has ever really broken down what that looks like to other people

[ETBrooD]

Wanting to be popular is vanity. Pointless.
I remember in high school I immediately "rose up in the ranks" so to speak the moment as I became best friends with a popular guy. It just happened automatically, I didn't have to put any effort into it. Previously I was looked at as a weirdo. He took me under his wings and showed me the ropes, and just being around him all the time made me more popular in the eyes of others. I wasn't any more likeable or unlikeable than before, I wasn't more generous, I wasn't wealthier, nothing really had changed. I did learn a few new mannerisms, but it wasn't anything groundbreaking.
The moment that I left that school, most of the kids who previously tried to appeal to me showed literally zero interest in me. It was a really big eye-opener for me. People don't care about personality anywhere near as much as people like to claim they do. They really don't. It's about who you hang out with, not who you are inside or who you pretend to be.
My friend had a few severe character flaws. Occasionally he even became violent. But people didn't see that side of him, so he just seemed like "the cool dude".

From this lesson I realized that I would never try to be popular. Instead I wanted to learn to become a better person. If that leads to being popular, fine. If not, fine. The goal is to better myself, not to appeal to people. It's a long and difficult road, there's always more to learn. Introspection is not easy.

[Poppy-yxjs]

Unfortunately this sounds like many narcissistic people I know. Even psychopaths. Be careful! Fun people at parties are not always narcissistic but sometimes they are!

[LifeisaBeautifulting]

There were some good points in the video, such as being more attentive in conversations and knowing what to say to help conversations flow. But I also think people should just be who they are. Some people are naturally fun, high energy and likeable that's great -- that doesn't mean we should all try to make ourselves be that way. If everyone was popular no one would be. It's better to just accept ourselves and embrace our natural strengths, even if that means we we're less "fun" to most people. If you have to work hard to be popular, maybe you aren't supposed to be. There's nothing wrong with wanting depth and not being the life of the party

[MentalMage]

Growing up, I was always known as the fun one and the life of the party. So a lot of what you have pointed out about fun people just being fun, is spot on. Everyone that I met in the past at parties, I have not kept in touch with any of them. I only realized how much I was hiding my true emotions and feelings behind my outgoing personality once I began experiencing anxiety and depression and educating myself about mental health. These days I try to go under the radar with a few exceptions of some old friends, inviting me to their partIes. I’m a bit more mindful of what I share, intentional about Who I meet, and do my best to have meaningful conversations that are not just a small talk.

[maddyG]

I was never popular until one summer in my early twenties when I started a new job and purposely made myself be warm, outgoing and allow my naturally funny side come out with confidence. I very quickly gained favour with pretty much everyone there, and shortly after hosted my first ever party. It was a complete 180 from who I normally was, which is a rather introverted person who’s happy to listen and observe others. Unfortunately I think that has led some people to think I’m aloof or shy. It’s amazing how some people just naturally fall into that more extroverted personality. It was only a short stint for me, but it was fun!

[cherrycreeper]

this comes at the right time. as a recently diagnosed autistic girl its cool to see this topic analyzed. sometimes its hard to exist without masking but its good to know other people also struggle...

[cammichristensen]

@AnaPsychology I love all of your videos! Thank you for making them! There is one thing I’d like to add to this discussion. There’s two different types of “popular” people; there’s those who people label as “popular” bc of their dominance, but they are not necessarily liked by most people, and then there’s people who others may not label as “popular” bc they are not dominant, but by definition they are popular bc a lot of people like them bc of their friendliness.

[TaMarAaQ]

That makes sense, I used to be the life of the party until I started ADHD meds. It's like I'm a different person now. I am finally able to study and have a life with work and am finally able to hold it all together for the first time in my life, which is amazing. But... All my impulsiveness is gone. I am no longer the enthousiastic friend that randomly asks people out on a tuesday. I am no longer the person that's always in to do something crazy or has the wildest funniest stories. I've seen my friend circle shrink ever since I started these meds and now I finally understand why: I'm less impulsive, I am less fun to be around, I do less interesting things so I have nothing cool to talk about. It all makes sense in the context of this video.