Q & A; How to Stop Ruminating About a Narcissist

Many people try to go no contact but wind up ruminating about the narcissist to the point they end up going back to them. This Q & A discusses the way this rumination begins, and how to break that cycle and move on with your life. We'll talk about how in relationship with a narcsissist, your every ounce of focus, and attention is on them, and you stop noticing, and taking care of yourself. "Breaking up with a narcissist is like waking up from a coma; you have to relearn even the most basic things of your daily life. This is because during the course of the relationship with your narcissist, you were slowly, and methodically being erased."
Grab my new book on Amazon or Kindle; Out of the FOG Into the CLEAR; Journaling to Help You Heal from Toxic Relationships.
Neither this nor any other channel is a replacement for having your own therapist.
Often I am asked if I can do individual sessions with viewers, and unfortunately due to time constraints and licensing regs, I can't help everyone who wants and needs a therapist of their own. Betterhelp offers a way to help you get affordable, professional, online therapy. BetterHelp can match you with a licensed therapist, who you can connect with by video conference, phone, text, or livechat. You'll be matched within 48 hours and if for any reason you'd like to switch counselors, you can do so completely free of charge right through the app. This is a worldwide service and financial aid is available.
This is an affiliate link in which I may receive compensation from Betterhelp. Please let me know how it goes if you use this service! Best to you all always, Shannon
#healingfromabuse , #narcissistrelationship , #survivingnarcissism ,

[Canaday]

You summed up the painful traumatic marriage
I finally divorced myself from with a psychopath narcissist alcoholic
Our identities were methodically erased as he coercively controlled conditioned and manipulated trauma bonds with myself and my children

We Sacrificed our true authentic selves and autonomy

I am a co dependent people pleaser and was the perfect target for this abusive amoral serial cheating negligent predator

[margaretyoung]

Thank You!! Having gone no contact with a covert, for the 3 rd time..I know🤪 thought I was doing fine.
Been ruminating, to my surprise, because I have been doing activities I enjoy only to catch myself ruminating after.
Then came this video! I get it, must keep filling up, and it will take time. Ok I’ll be patient, go easy on me.
Filling up!! My new mantra.
You are a very good therapist, much thanks. 🙏😊🌈🌷

[uyoebyik]

I was born into the situation. My mother made me the family scapegoat when I was tiny. She has another baby when a was year old and that's the golden child.

[julietamalo]

Thank you so much for the insightful encouragement and advice, Shannon. Have a wonderful day and blessings to you.

[tjsr]

Ahhhh how sweet it is to be validated, thank you thank you

[thatrioscouple]

Thank you, you and a handful of other YouTube therapists/counselors have been helping me process and heal myself and the mechanisms in my day to day life and relationship(s) with myself and others after narcissist cut off. I just had a full cut off with my narcissist mother at 26, I spent all the time and energy making a cut off letter that she has told me she won't read and never intended to, other family and friends have either decided to stay neutral or to take their side/say "but they're family." I cut off my biological Dad a few months back because he was dysfunctional for myself and my marriage. My Dad who raised me, my step dad is dead, so I'm basically having to re-parent myself. These videos have helped.

[jamesclemons]

Thank you so much for giving of yourself and your time to those of us who sorely nees the help...
I'm James, and I'm an empath, but only in the last, maybe 3 years have I been learning to harness and process this gift.
Left what I'm learning was the last of a string of narcisists about a year ago. 1st wife was 20 years and bad enough, then 2nd, and soon to be ex wife is a total dark narc, and at least a couple of other things as well. Skipping forward a bit, I had begun to actually heal from the 28 years of combined marriages, and I meet Sarah. She is also an empath. I never met another actual empath, and I felt immediately the deepest connection of my life. I realize now after seeing your videos, that a good part of this was likely the fact that our pain is nearly a mirror of each other's as well as our kindness and true caring for others. I had no idea when I told her each feeling as I was feeling it that it could trigger her trauma and end up pushing her away. She has clearly never had someone make her their priority, let alone truely love her the way that I do, and have from day 1. I am lost. She has had narcs, and obsessives to the point of having been stalked, more than once. Short of this is that when she told me she wanted only to be friends after a brief courtship where I am certain she was beginning to build on her immediate, though nowhere near as deep as mine were, feelings for me... She had re-entered a relationship with an ex, and hadn't told me ( I assume for fear of hurting me) and of course I felt her back off and nearly went nutts trying to hold on, but not be overbearing trying to figure out what I had done wrong. She didn't tell me she only waned to be friends until she found out he was cheating again. That was the day she cut him off, and I can only assume that, though I had gone into survival mode, the main reason for friendzoning me was to heal herself and would have quite possibly come around on her own. I honestly tried to be supportive of her wishes and needs for distance, but admittedly, parts of my life outside of our relationship went downhill, purely coincidence jobwise, but I can see, now, how it looked to her so she, instead, again, of communicating her concerns with me, has begun to think that I may be obsessive, and wants to cut off clean. My question is, as I am staying distanced and not contacting her, can I prove to her that I am not obsessive, nor a stalker in any way, and simply am actially and truely in love with her?

[corinnasee]

Great message about healing! Thank you.

[kara]

I really needed your videos this evening. Thank you SO much for this content, eery as it can be in its familiarity at times haha. Editing to add a tl;dr: with a spiraling narcissist mom, how on earth do I navigate this - it's as if she has decided her life is over, in grandiose fashion, and that I should be catering to her and joining her in this decision to give up.

I hit the wall with my aging narcissist mom when she tried to downplay my cancer, one up me (seriously) and continue to try to make me her shoulder to lean on when I could've maybe (for once) used a little support of my own. I just went through another surgery, and it hasn't stopped her from sending daily woe-as-me texts, and then I fall into the trap of getting upset over her selfishness. (Here's what I got with my last surgery- a terse "good luck" on the wrong day, and the comment "aren't you supposed to be done with that stuff?" (That stuff being the reconstruction of my body, which of course is done in painful stages.) I'm sick of it. She is breathtakingly self absorbed, manipulative, and almost cartoonishly joyless (think Livia Soprano). I've spent more of this recovery thinking about her and her issues than my own. All I want is a shot a couple decent middle age years post-cancer and not be dragged down with her. :(

You would think she'd want her daughter to have some of the things she had in her 30s and 40s, but now that she's aging and miserable, she needs me to "lean on." She'll send me long, guilt ridden texts at all hours, and then I'll find out that she was actually at some winery earlier in the day, which is something I wish I could do right now lol!! Idk. It's only going to get worse. Another thing she dislikes is that I've really been taking care of myself and fitness, looks since cancer. I haven't had a compliment in years, which is fine - I'm used to it - but now I get little digs, like "must be nice to do those things for yourself." 🙄 she can't be happy for me - ever. (Like you said in a video- at one time cosmetics served her needs/ego, but now that I take advantage of subtle fillers and botox, it all irks her. She said something about me trying to be Paris or Kim K 😂 - at least I can laugh at that jab, because you know what? 40 is young, and I have every right to want look and feel my best after a damn double mastectomy.)

[dejana]

Hi Shannon, I am revisiting your wonderful content 3 years on from the end of my relationship with vulnerable narc ex. I still struggle, in fact I feel like I have gone backwards significantly this year.
Your videos really helped me in the early days so for that I thank you!
I hope you are well and that you might decide to do a q and a session soon!
Kindest regards to you 🙏☺️
D x

[elizabete]

Yesterday, i had a conversation with my mom, opening up with my struggles with money, she said she is shocked, still push me to buy a flat with hers money, as she wants the best for me, and then out of nowhere she told me that ; Oh You dont how to be diplomatic! I did react to that, and i got a bit emotional and said we are done with this conversation. 😪 sometimes i do think i am the crazy one!

[eyespy]

I got out fast. Guess I'm super lucky.
Still hard. Red flags? Run.

[sukeshjain]

This has been wonderful healing journey while in guidence of your videos. Thanks
My Question is the diff between behaviour of an IMPROVISOR and Na0rcissist
As I am learning IMROV and noticing rules of IMPROV are very similar to the rules by which narc behaves like making things on the spot, react boldly, being in the moment etc. But improvisors are happy whereas narcs arenot.

[ezsand]

How can you stop ruminating, specifically reliving the toxic relationship

[shamarwilliams]

How do you deal with a BPD mother who is irresponsible and wants you to take care of their needs?

[ruthsee]

How can I help my two granddaughters defend themselves when being devalued by their narcissist mother? They are 10 and 3 years old. I have told the older one that she is loved and lovable. Also that her mother is ill. And that God sees what's happening and doesn't approve. I have had her say and repeat "I am loved. I am lovable. I am a good person."

[escherichanja]

Narcissists be like: "Let's try again.
First, answer me with all arguments into just one comment. No need to bomb me with +6 replies, because if you think that makes your arguing more effective, you're wrong. Insults will get you nowhere either.
Second, you and me both, are human beings. I have emotions like you, you have rational judgement like me. So no barriers there.
Third, I believe the reason you are this defensive towards people who talk to you is because your trust issues are really serious. Not all people mean you any harm, on the contrary, people who has answered you in this comment section has tried to share their personal knowledge and experiences to you, because they wanted to HELP you with positive thinking. I don't know anything about you, nor do you know anything about me, no one here knowns anything about one another's lives, but I'm about to open up to you about this ISSUE: as a person who has underwent psychological problems myself, I strongly advise you to seek help and trust people more. It's only gonna hurt you deeper and for longer, if you keep it to yourself." As if their way of talking is not something that brings the feeling of not good enough.