living with abusers [cc]

A look at the navigating life with abusers.
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opening quote:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall … it’s a habit …
—Portia Nelson, Autobiography in five short chapters
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0:00 control and coercion
2:55 assessing risk — looking at the abuser with a cold eye
12:39 distancing manoeuvres — looking at how we can remove the hooks
22:26 counteracting poison — finding clean water
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subtitles
Bulgarian: Djeitko
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references/reading
Andreassen, C.S., Pallesen, S. and Griffiths, M.D. (2017) The relationship between addictive use of social media, narcissism, and self-esteem: findings from a large national survey. Addictive Behaviors 64, pp.287–293
Danesh, H.B. (1978) The authoritarian family and its adolescents. Canadian Psychiatric Association Journal 23 (7) pp.479-485
Fan, C.Y., Chu, X.W., Zhang, M. and Zhou, Z.K. (2019) Are narcissists more likely to be involved in cyberbullying? Examining the mediating role of self-esteem. Journal of Interpersonal Violence 34 (15) pp.3127-3150.
Nelson, P. (1993) There’s a hole in my sidewalk. Beyond Words publishing, Oregon.
Oesterreich, D. (2005) Flight into security: a new approach and measure of the authoritarian personality. Political psychology 26 (2) pp.275-297
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music © TheraminTrees
Full original music tracks used in videos are available to patreon supporters who pledge at the $1 per video level.

[hayleybayley]

“It’s not uncommon for targets to go through periods of binge-watching abuse-related videos.” well that was meta

[vantaelism]

"For many targets, listening to other's stories can be a powerful detox, it's not uncommon for targets to go through a period of binge watching. It's not about wallowing in misery, it's about bathing in the acknowledgment of reality"
Beautiful and poetic.

[fishotic]

"It's not cruel or mean to distrust people who've repeatedly destroyed your trust"

[cameronvadnais]

I always hated the phrase, "why are you trying to make me feel guilty?" when I bring up something I am upset about.

[snarkbotanya]

This is a very important topic, especially in a time when many people are literally trapped at home with their abusers by the pandemic. Thank you, TheraminTrees.

[nickman]

Spending time with abusers is draining, but living with an abuser leaves you empty.

[AtlaniBonita]

This is my mom right here. It's hard telling anyone because they'd see it as "You're just an ungreatful bratty kid". Shit hurts

[bananamanchester]

When you said that, as a child, you drew a page of your superhero comic every night, I thought, "wow, that's amazing! Such discipline from a little kid!" That is the healthy reaction of an adult to a child's achievement. The fact that your mother saw that and felt so threatened by it that she felt the need to destroy it rather than celebrate it, speaks to how low and fragile the ego of narcissistic abusers truly is.

[anonymousdinosaur]

It's a good day when there is a new TheraminTrees upload

[MurdocsMinion]

It's nice to hear someone say that cutting my abuser out of my life was the right thing to do.

So many people tell me that it's my responsibility to forgive my mother for everything she did to me. Even other victims of abuse tell me that I should forgive her, because she's my mother, and oh, how many times has she forgiven me, when I messed up??? They tell me that I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't forgive her while she's still alive. But I wasn't allowed to mess up. I had to be the good kid, the personal therapist, the best friend, from as early an age as 7. I had to give her dating advice, and echo her political ideologies back at her, and parrot her racist jokes and opinions. I make no mention of how bad she got as I got older, even telling my brother that she waited until I was 18 to do drugs again, while actively berating me for not having a job while her husband tore my applications to shreds.

There is nothing left of her to forgive if I wanted to, and as far as I'm concerned, she can think I'm dead, for all she's worth to me.

[MaliekCombs]

My girlfriend is my abuser. I've lived with her for a few months. This video is helping me. I will walk away today

[blairinsertlastnamehere]

I know this video is months old but I'd like to put in that forgiving your abuser and re-connecting with them can seem tempting when the people around you say they've changed. Even if they have changed, mentally you will never forget what they are capable of, them changing doesn't mean that you owe them forgiveness or a second chance in your life.

[AlienZizi]

i started journaling very young because my dad would gaslight me if i confronted him with any of his abusive actions. back then i just needed to prove to myself that i wasnt crazy, dramatic, spoiled or misremembering things. i never wanted older me to look back on my childhood and downplay what i went through either.
and im so glad i did that! i would seriously recommend journaling to anyone struggling with abuse. reading back some of my journals i cant believe that i forgot some of it.

[Cyberspine]

I discovered the grey rock method as a child, but my father could see through it and would only become more upset. With time I discovered the beige rock method as well, and with time the colors of the rock have become more vibrant. But it's still only a rock. There's very little meaningful substance to any of our interactions, and sometimes it saddens me a little.

[anthonypc]

it takes a real psychological sickness to tear up someone else's first creative work, when they're a CHILD.

Grateful you had your brother and other outlets to develop such a reasonable and compassionate understanding of humans to share with us.

[hatuletoh]

As someone who studied communication in college, and works a job as what might be described "communication strategist", i.e., someone who tries to figure out the best ways to convey diverse and sometimes arcane info to various groups of people, I must say that I love TT's animations. They're always perfect little metaphors that illustrate non-physical, psychological concepts, which is an extremely difficult thing to do. Imagine if someone asked you to create a totally visual, non-verbal representation of, say, a codependent relationship and you'll get some idea of the challenge. On a technical level, the animations have just the right amount of detail and motion/change so that the veiwer stays interested in watching, but isn't distracted by unnecessary details or frenetic motion. It only just occurred to me how remarkably great the things are--I think the simplicity of them made me overlook their insightfulness--but now that I've noticed it, I'm kind of blown away with just how expressive those animations are. Kind of genius, really.

[Manbarrican]

The worst part about this is that parents who are abusive get away with it more because young minds are unable to understand how to deal with the situation, as someone who went through psychological trauma I can attest that climbing out is riddled with side effects of guilt.

[AI-tcfv]

It's as if you've made a character analysis of my stepfather before making this video. Can't wait to move out and indeed terminate any and all contact

[bhaminivenkat]

As a victim of emotional abuse by parents I later on ended up repeating the pattern in my romantic relationships and friendships as well because it was just familiar to me and I didn't have a sense of what normalcy was! So that's something that y'all have to watch out for if whoever is reading is has gone through abuse of some sort.

These videos are so therapeutic, it's like my years of abuse by family friends and boyfriends are finally being validated and I'm finally losing the guilt over the inadvertent steps I took to distance myself from them.

[lannydragonlover]

My mother was a common user of backtalk, and it was often cleverly disguised and reasoned out. Whatever I said always ended up not being true, especially when it came down to my own experiences. If I'd felt hurt, unsupported, and put down, I could expect many words on how that was not what she intended. At the end of it, I was just reading into things and being irrationally angry at her for doing the right thing. I've listened very extensively, and I could never hear an apology in her words.
The one time I naively tried to make things better between my brother and mother ( he had distanced himself and I wanted to make my mother happy ) I saw how she slowly made it all about her. Instead of us children being able to voice our pains and be heard, she began crying, saying that she had done the right things. We should have just been different/normal/better children, and there was nothing wrong with her choices. We were being mean.
The poison well fits my mother to a T. Nothing that brought me joy was ever good enough. We are at the stage where she is rewriting history. In the same vein as the previous paragraphs, I just didn't read into it right. She was being supportive, and she never meant to make me feel like all my interests were bad and evil. Well, I still felt that way, so intent be damned!

I'm living my best life now, far away from that house. I've never been happier. I finally feel alive, I feel like I can finally be a child and love whatever I want to love!