The ‘Quiet Catastrophe’ Brewing in Our Social Lives

This widespread loneliness is often analogized to a disease, an epidemic. But that label obscures something important: Loneliness in America isn’t merely the result of inevitable or abstract forces, like technological progress; it’s the product of social structures we’ve chosen — wittingly or unwittingly — to build for ourselves.

We discuss how the structures of our lives and physical spaces have made atomization rather than community our society’s default setting, the surprising class differences in how far we live from our families, the social costs of wearing headphones and earbuds in public, how technology has enabled us to avoid the social awkwardness and rejection inherent in building community, the fact that the nuclear family is a historical aberration — and maybe a mistake, how texting and “ghosting” affect the resilience of our core relationships, why shows like “The Office” and “Parks and Recreation” are entirely built around socializing at the office and what we are losing in an era of increased remote work, why some parents are revolting against their kids having sleepovers and more.

Mentioned:

Book Recommendations:

This episode of “The Ezra Klein Show” is produced by Annie Galvin, with Jeff Geld, Rogé Karma and Kristin Lin. Fact-checking by Michelle Harris, Mary Marge Locker and Kate Sinclair. Mixing by Jeff Geld. Original music by Isaac Jones. Audience strategy by Shannon Busta. The executive producer of New York Times Opinion Audio is Annie-Rose Strasser. Special thanks to Sonia Herrero and Kristina Samulewski.

[TenTenJ]

Coming from a big extended Armenian family in the US, one relative would take turns hosting everyone on Sunday. My cousins and I would have our Sundays free with adventure and familial love. We all grew up, got our careers, moved around and that tradition is gone. It was healthy and we all miss it.

[klowen]

Perhaps it's a 'Quiet Catastrophe' if you happen to be among the more 'extroverted' folks among us, who desperately _need_ continuous 'socializing' (and also account for the most narcissism). But speaking from the POV of the aprox. one third of the population who are of the 'Introverted' persuasion, IMHO the thought of more 'privacy', let alone being free from screaming kids, barking pit bulls, and trashy next door neighbors, sounds positively heavenly! ;-p

[lunazamoraart]

I grew up in a Mexican multigenerational family. When I moved to the Midwest, I felt alone and isolated for 30 years. Sad. I hope to go back soon!

[tammiepulley]

I lived in a few different “group” or roommate situations over age 50 and the success totally depends on the quality of the housemates. Be very intentional. One bad apple can toxify the entire home. As this was always true even in the far past where one crazy or drunk uncle could ruin a family home.

[nancybartley]

I kept waiting for them to define friendship, types of friendships, how to make friends, how to sustain friendships, how to find friends. They seemed to speak in a very cold manner, removed from the actual subject. How have our values changed? How has our ability to compromise, to realize connection takes work and thought about what we give to and ask of our relationships factor in? They seemed very removed from the real substance of this discussion.

[nancybartley]

How about how arrogant/snobby about whom we associate with? People seem to decide based on very little whom they will associate with as opposed to really getting to know someone. Also, did we use to have relationships across age groups? What happened to mentoring younger people? What happened to volunteer work?

[deborahcurtis]

Being unable to find people to simply 'hang out' with has been a real loss to me for a long time. It began when people got Filofaxes and I moved to a big city it seemed like every interaction had to be scheduled and it needed a purpose. People became work addicts or just had to work long hours with no choice. Then we got exhausted. This is a real issue. You need a social media profile and you need to market yourself which is a strange and artificial phenomenon.

[demeter]

I had to break up with my best friend and leave my friend group because they were abusive and toxic. I know I’m better off without them but now I’m lonely. 😢 I’m also learning better boundaries in therapy so I hopefully don’t attract people like this in the future so I’m actually more reluctant to strike up conversations with strangers, something I used to do. I’m more than halfway through this and I don’t think they will address this.

[totoroben]

I didn't choose to live this way. The built environment that caters to the automobile and destroys great American cities is the culprit. Urbanists know this all to well, and the rest can feel it, but not quite put their finger on the problem of why they feel isolated.

[grmpEqweer]

The country got richer, but that wealth is very concentrated now.
A lot of us are struggling and lonely.

[BoReads]

College was too expensive without going into an enormous amount of debt. I grew up in an isolated suburb. Tack autism onto that and you've got a recipe for misery. I know online socialization is not ideal, but it's a lot better than nothing I can tell you that. Thank God for the people I have met online through sharing our fiction or I would literally want to kill myself.

[mohamedali]

If you want to know the value of a culture in the world, look at the people that this culture values strongly and unleashed.

[marissadower-morgan]

Through most of my life as a single person I had at least a handful of good long term friends. But after marriage my family and my husband got in the way of that freedom to focus on relationships not directly connected with child rearing or with common interests My first husband was not interested in -my own friends or I his business relate friendships .. My second life partner was also a work-a-holic ( so was I to survive ) ..We had no time to socialize, or extra money to go out to meet people .I have lost over 30 some years of a social life due to my love life . What a disaster . Now I'm divorced, single and mostly friendless. Everyone I knew has forgotten me , or moved on . I have no interest in love, maybe I can now be a friend at last .

[nowamajormotionpictureeven]

It's a ramble with a few interesting thoughts, but it doesn't get into any serious data or analysis. One thing I found funny was that they kept going from "family is on the other coast and we all live alone" to "let's do co-living" without ever talking about neighbours and why we don't hang out with them.

[juancarlosv]

It's always a pleasure to listen your programs

[kahlodiego]

There are no places to congregate. There is no public transportation. It's designed that way.

[pedrova]

Adam Curtis documentary "The Century of the Self" is a good summary of how we got here

[Dee-xf]

Many of us who are isolated now pay for services that used to come from help we got from family, friends, and neighbors, and then reciprocated. We no longer live in a society that values interdependence, helping one another. The number of singles without children is rising with each generation, and while this is fine when you are younger, plenty of research is showing that aging without generational family support is costly, financially, socially, and mentally. We have an "elder orphan" care crisis that is only getting worse. The solution is easy: befriend people of various ages, build trust by being helpful and accountable to one another—the payoff of security is huge form everyone. Far easier said than done in this society!

[daviddavid]

The "it takes so much time" complaint is always a bit of a wry chuckle. When I quiz the lonely as to what they're doing all day it's 4hrs of media and sleeping in til noon.

[mps]

Here's an idea. Spend less time glued to the internet and make yourself go out and try new things. Get involved in a social hobby. Join a book club or a community garden or volunteer at neighborhood functions to list a few, there's plenty of options out there. Im alone but not lonely because I keep myself stimulated with hobbies that fascinate me so I can both learn and interact with nature and sometimes other people if I choose to but this is only my opinion. I would like to note there's nothing wrong with striving to find and manage a personal balance between solitude and social interaction.