Unmasking masculinity -- helping boys become connected men | Ryan McKelley | TEDxUWLaCrosse

Dr. Ryan McKelley, shared an early experiment from the 13th century where infants were denied social interaction. The nature of the study was to find out what language would naturally develop without influence from a caregiver. However, the study failed because all of the infants died.

Study after study has shown that social isolation is a risk factor for development of disease. It highlights the importance of social connection for mental and physical health, yet the stereotype is that men are less capable of emotional connection than women, notes McKelley.

McKelley suggests otherwise. Studies show when men's physiological responses to emotional stimuli are measured, their internal experience is similar to that of women.

McKelley wants men to do away with the mask. Sometimes emotional restriction is necessary, but it doesn't need to be the default mode, he says. He challenges men to eliminate phrases like "man up" or "stop acting like a girl." They should understand that opening up and being vulnerable is courageous. Taking small risks to open up will give them a broader experience of all of their emotions and allow them to make deeper connections.

McKelley is a licensed psychologist and UW-L associate professor of psychology.

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[guyrenaud]

The message of the Talk is about being able to show emotional vulnerability as a man. To have emotional courage as a man. This message is not only for men though, it is for everyone that believes that men should be emotionally mute. These comments and their reactions are a great window into how much we are afraid of accepting an emotionally capable man. For the record I am a man that is trying to find my way back to feeling. 

[stevegwizzle]

I've learned to open up more and become more connected to people. When I was young I constantly felt lonely, angry and felt like I had no feelings and I would notice this affected me because I would watch my peers constantly laugh, play with other kids and just seemed to enjoy life all the time, and I wouldnt. My parents showed me very little emotion when young (and yes I've left it in the past now). Anyhow, I've noticed my life to be more emotionally, spiritually and mentally more pleasing now that I've learned to open up more. YEs some people still see it as a weakness but the way I think about it is, my life is more fulfilling than yours and if you want to make fun of me or start being abusive I have no issue bringing back that anger that consumed my life when young. I have no problem standing up to a bully and getting physical if I have to. But I've also learned that, that's not the way we're supposed to solve most problems. What a human experience it has been...

[toastiecake]

He's sharing an important point.  So many men hide their emotions, and it becomes a HUGE barrier in communication.  You can respect a person who can articulate how they feel about something, and it doesn't always mean that they are giving up a huge part of themselves.  Even if they are being brutally honest, it puts a weight off the shoulders, and validates their thoughts.  Being able to be vulnerable is the only way that a person can become emotionally mature in society.  People need to realize that there will be good people out there that can give honest advice and feedback.  And your social circle should not depend on superficial reasons, but rather on social support and encouragement.  A social circle will always grow if you take the steps to expand it, and will always have the direction you want if you can provide direction (through opinions/plans or hinting around).

[Hansprivate]

Hands down one of the BEST TED talks I've seen. I struggle with a lot of these issues of not wanting to be vulnerable and I'm frequently described as "stoic". (Normally I've found TEDx talks to be all over the map but this really was a great talk!)

[thomashall]

true strength and true masculinity are doing what you feel is right and living for no one but yourself.

If you want to be a big muscular jock, good for you. If you want to be sensitive and in touch with your feelings, good for you. Don't try to fit anyone's perception of manliness, except for yourself.

[ThePzrLdr]

Social media is the death of personal social contacts. Excellent talk.

[lascreen]

Healthy, sane, masculine men feel the full range of emotions and occasionally cry. When you repress feelings you often lose the ability to feel empathy too, which makes you more of a bot than a human.

[idajohnsen]

I am increasingly perplexed about these comments talking about 'alphas', 'betas and 'omegas' and how the least dominant ones don't get the women. What is this Teen Wolf?

[paulwatson]

It's good for a man to feel emotion because feeling nothing just makes life pointless.

[damonhowell]

I hope talks like these are redefining what courage is for men. It's hard as a man to show weakness, and it has been only acceptable to pigeonhole men into expressing a fraction of what a person feels. We need to grow up, ourselves, and realize men are human. Why are men not supposed to cry? It made me stronger when I did. Humans will not reach their potential unless they are allowed to be human. That is, expressing our true nature and not fitting into the small box society puts us in.

[Changeworld]

courage= being open and vulnarable. Great much needed talk. violance is the result of not being able to express vulnarability(fear, sadness)be courageous, be vulnarable.

[gorkyd]

This guy knows what's up! Awesome job. Vulnerability and honesty are absolutely essential for social connections, and they both require courage. I don't think they require crying or showing a bunch of emotion really, that's totally optional. The mask goes on when people are ashamed, afraid, or suspicious; it's not specific to males obviously and I don't think it's socialized either since you won't find much in the way of cultural boundaries.

[akiralee]

As a woman diagnosed with alexithymia trying to recover her emotions, I can say that there is NOTHING weak about showing tender emotions. Have any of you guys bitching about 'manginas' ever tried hugging or saying 'I love you'? Right, it's something you'd never be caught dead doing. But suppose somebody bet you to it. 100 dollars for hugging and saying a heartfelt 'I love you' to your dad. Could you REALLY do it?

The first time I ever texted an 'I love you' ---to my mother--- I nearly hyperventilated. None of the violent or traumatic experiences I've had felt as terrifying then. Since that moment, it's still an uphill struggle. This emotional displays gig? Really isn't made for cowards.

[globalman]

Brilliant talk. And by the comments just on this page his words are confirmed of what a big problem there is. The resistance, the anger, the negativity and the discriminatory remarks are indicative that he is right.
It is seemingly hopeless to change the mindset of adult males in a culture that is so myopic but hopefully people who are a bit enlightened will help babies and little boys to become who they really are.
Emotions and vulerablility do not prevent a man from being a man they help him to become what he is supposed to be, a WHOLE human being.
What you have in America the most violent country on the planet is broken Souls, Spirits unable to express anything. So they go about exploiting others economically or shooting their fellow human beings DEAD.
How many girls/ women have slaughtered a group of students or people in mass shootings??? How many women have robbed people of their life savings through decades of these financial scandals? Is is Not because they are women. But because MEN are conditioned in such a way that they have no other way to express themselves.
I feel pity for all the men who don't understand how dis-empowered they are by not understanding the message here.

[JUDY]

That was so beautiful! I've always seen this issue and try to preach against the phrases "be a man" or "man up" or "men should be tough".... I am so happy to this message being spread to more ears so that hopefully one day we can make a change in culture. Being unemotional doesn't make you a man. Its really more than that. Kindness, love for others and vulnerability.

[michael.]

I had an experience like the boys trick or treating in this excellent video. Unlike those wise and caring young boys, I was with adults in their 30's playing basketball. One guy sprained his ankle on a particular play. As soon as it happened, everybody but me, which was about 10 men, just left the gym as if nothing had just happened. I tried to see if the guy was all right. I was so pissed at those other guys pretending that nothing had happened, I quit the informal league I was in. Looking back, I wish I would have said something to those guys and saying, what's wrong with you that you can't stop and help your fellow player, but didn't.

[nanschmidt]

What an awesome message! I wish I could have shown this to my husband when my boys were younger. He taught them it's not OK to cry or show your emotions. Drives me nuts when I know they're hurting but they won't acknowledge it so they can work through it.

[joelsommers]

Um, I will marry this dude yesterday.

[SNyob]

10 years LATER it's only gotten worse. Absolutely NOTHING has changed.

[VirgoParth]

Yup.... Emotions don't do gender bias. Just Feel and express them. I can cry. I m proud of it