A Jewish Rabbi joke 😂

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[wisteria]

for everyone who had difficulty understanding this joke




the sermon is usually extremely long and possibly boring.
Sometimes (irl) a rabbi (or a pastor or a priest or any kind of preacher) will take his watch off their wrist. if he puts it away, it means he is not worried about time so you are in for a long sermon. Sometimes though they would put it on the podium (or lecturer or whatever you call that thingy that stands up where you can put your books and notes to read during the sermon) so that he can glance at it and keep the time under control. This usually means a shorter sermon or at the very least a sermon that ends when it is supposed to end instead of trickling down into eternity.

So the punchline is just a small subversion. Everything they do has a meaning so you would expect that when the rabbi takes off his watch and put it up in a way that's perfectly visible while he speake it would mean that he intends to keep the sermon short. ...yeah, good luck with that.

[vinsvids]

"I wandered 40 years in the desert for that punchline? Oy-vey!"

[onemondaynight]

Love it! I once was listening to a guest preacher giving a sermon, and when someone signaled him that he was reaching the end of his allotted time limit, he said "I know my time's almost up. Can I get five more minutes? Who here will give me five more minutes?" A bunch of people raised their hands, and hebstarted pointing at them, saying "that's five, ten, fifteen, twenty..."

[PInkW]

A preacher graduated from Bible school and was so excited to preach at church.
He got assigned to a little church on the prairie. His first Sunday there was a blizzard and only one rancher shows up. So he asked the rancher “should I preach, since there’s only u ?”
The rancher says, I’m no biblical scholar or theologian, but if I had a cow show up for feeding on a day like this, id sure feed it.
Preacher says ok here goes.
1hr and a half later he asks the rancher
How’d I do ?
Rancher says I’m no theologian or scholar but If I went to feed my herd on a day i like this and only one showed up
I wouldn’t feed it the whole load

[darthbob]

A rabbi and a Catholic priest sit down to lunch. The priest says "Tell me, Rebbe, did you ever break kosher and have a bit of ham?"
The rabbi says "Once, when I was young and curious, I decided to try it. Now you, padre, did you ever, ah, with a woman?"
The priest blushes and says "Once, before I was ordained."
They sit together in silence for a bit, then the rabbi smiles a little and says "Better than ham, isn't it?"

[Tadicuslegion]

A Priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane,
The Monk goes, It will be okay, for I shall be reincarted.
The priest goes, It will be okay, for we three shall meet again in heaven.
The rabbi goes, Am I the only one who remembered we were skydiving today?

[cryovizard]

That joke was a bigger letdown than Moses not being able to step foot into Israel.

[paulustarsus]

The Jewish Rabbi asking God for weeks on end, to help him win the Lotto. God gets fed up after a few months and a voice comes from heaven that says "David, will you at least buy a ticket?"

[fernandogil]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo." 😊

[mikewilliams]

Here's the real punchline: "What does it mean? It means were skipping lunch today."

[shane]

A Jewish guy gets knocked down by a car, and as he was laying on the road injured, a man runs to the Jewish guys aid and puts his coat under his head, then he asks the Jewish guy are you comfortable? Jewish guy replies, I make a living..

[ogichi]

Reminds me of the joke with a similar punchline. A priest and a rabbi attend a boxing match together. They're sit close to the ring. They watch as both boxers enter and stand by their corners. Right as the bell rings, the rabbi notices that one of the boxers crosses himself before starting this fight. The rabbi turns to the priest and asks "why does he do that, what's it meant to do for him?" The priest without missing a beat says "not a damn thing if he can't fight"

[dwderp]

A flasher in the park runs up to a Jewish woman and opens his coat wide, shouting “what do you think of this?” The Jewish lady calmly replies “you call that a lining?”

[AllanTidgwell]

A pastor, a priest, and a rabbi are discussing how much money they should donate to the church.
The priest says "let's draw a circle on the ground and throw the money into the air, whatever lands inside the circle we donate to the church"
The pastor says "No, we draw the circle on the ground, throw the money in the air and whatever lands outside of the circle we donate to the church"
Then the rabbi chimes in "No, we throw the money in the air... and whatever God wants he'll keep"

[sababugs]

A Jewish man is speaking to his friend and says
"Man, I've done a terrible thing"
The friens asks
"What did you do ?"
The Jewish man responds
"During the war, I sheltered refugees"
The friend says
"That's actually a very kind and virtuous act"
The Jewish man answers
"Oh no, you don't understand, I made them pay rent"
The friend replys
"That's not terrible either"
The Jewish man finally says
"You still aren't getting it, I haven't told them that the war ended 3 years ago"

[paulwolf]

It means he's not worried about time and that this is going to be a long one.

[GreenLanternCorps]

As a Jew, I would just like to make it clear to anyone passing by that we are funnier than this...

[zigzagzipbag]

A rabbi and a soviet minister meet at a pub. The Chernobyl disaster just happened recently. The Soviet minister asks the rabbi "Have you heard what happened at Chernobyl?". The rabbi nods. "What a tragedy. But I can't help but worry that the jews and left handed people get blamed for the disaster." The Soviet minister asked confused: "Left handed people? Why left handed people?". The rabbi replies: "Why the Jews?"

[gameygeemer]

A Jewish man was distraught that his son had converted to Christendom and so he went to his rabbi "Rabbi, you'll never believe this, my son has converted to Christianity. I need your help."

"My friend, you'll never believe this, but my son has recently converted as well. It is my belief that we should pray and ask the Lord for the answers."

And so they both began to pray with as much fervor as they could muster, and who should come from down on high but the Lord himself.

"My sons, you will never believe this..."

[alarmedregret]

My dad and his brothers offered the priest at my grandfather's funeral $20 for a 10 minute sermon or $10 for a 20 minute sermon. Anything longer and he had to pay them. Priest didn't miss a beat and asked how long $500 got him a captive audience. Solid dude. He earned his $10 today.