How to Help an Abused Friend

Four important things that anyone can do to help a friend or loved one who's experiencing abuse at home.

Resources:

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[royallyhydrated]

when i was in seventh grade, my best friend revealed to me she was being sexually abused by her father. whenever i found out, i told her i felt it was my responsibility to help. she told me not to, but i knew holding it in would be harmful to her and it could continue to get worse. she was new in town and i was her only friend. her mother didn't believe her, i was the only one there. i went straight to my mother, and it got passed onto the school counselor. from there, it got to CPS and he was removed from the house.
now, something that was not covered in the video was your friends resistance to not only the situation, but you. she was very angry at me for telling, and promised she would never be my friend again. she kept that promise for three years now, and i haven't seen or spoken to her since. sometimes losing a friend for their safety is something you will have to live with. i became very sad, and i still am. but knowing that she is safe is something i wouldn't have felt if i had been selfish. please, please tell an adult if you're ever in this situation. or if you're being abused, and you feel no one will believe you, i promise someone will. please never hold back any information that could later harm someone. you may never be their friend again, but you will have the pleasure of knowing you probably saved their life.
 

[megancarley]

My best friend just texted me telling me that her dad is drinking and that he slammed her against a wall multiple times and she sent a picture of her black eye. I’m very worried and idk what to do.

[spinninginncircles]

It should be noted that, at least here (in Canada), a teacher, a counselor or someone of that sort about abuse, they are legally required to contact child protective services. So in case your friend is not prepared to take that sort of action yet, be careful about who you go to, because they may be obligated to get law enforcement involved anyway.

[makenzileg]

It's amazing how this video came out just after my friend told me her parents were abusing her. Thank you.

[tetsubo]

I am a survivor of parental abuse, an alcoholic father. Eventually my mother separated from him when I was age fourteen. She realized that if she didn't leave him either he or I would end up dead. As an adult I discovered that there had been adults in my life that were aware I was being abused as a child and they did nothing. *That* was a betrayal. They did nothing. They let my mother and I continue to be abused and be trapped. I'm still angry about that. Sounds like a good topic for my next therapy session.

[rachelrobertson]

What if a child is abused and doesn't want to be separated from their parents; how can they talk openly about it without getting the polices attention?

[davefreier]

I've found that the biggest problem in helping a person in an abusive relationship is helping that person realize they are being abused, or perhaps I should say to accept that their relationship is abusive.  When you try: you get denial, defensiveness, and withdrawal.  Is there a good way to handle this?

[ThatWeirdo]

Validation is SO important. My stepmother was emotionally abusive, and every time I tried to talk to my friends about the things she was putting me through they always brushed it off and told me that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. This was extremely damaging as it made me question whether or not I was actually being abused and and caused me to stop talking about my situation to them. My advice would be to not only listen to what your friend is telling you but also to BELIEVE them. Don't try to downplay what's happening to them. Don't try to act like you know their situation better than they do. Just accept what they're telling you and offer your support.

[Weissistmeine]

I lived in an a domestic violence situation and my friends are so amazing to help me in the ways this video stated. They also allowed me to live with them and their family when it got too bad for me. I am very grateful to them for that.

[korarain]

You have no clue how thankful I am for this. Recently a really close person to me has been dealing with this situation and it’s honestly heartbreaking seeing this person go through this. Since I’m one of the only people that know about this, it also hurts because I felt like there wasn’t anything I could do to help. I’m trying to research as much as possible about this topic and I’m going to be there to love and support her fully through this. Thank you for making this video and helping others who are going through the same thing too.

[VampirateYuki]

It was really helpful for me when I was finally able to talk about the abuse I had been through, my friend got angry at my abuser and it made me more angry and I really needed that anger and it helped me to face the abuse and to fight back against it.

[sheabuske]

I’ve been listening to my friend for four years now. Feels like she won’t get help ever. I’ve told her she can move in with me if she wants and bring her three boxer dogs too. I’m trying so hard to help I feel like it’s taking a toll on my mind. I keep wondering what should I do. Fours years is a long time.

[marystestkitchen]

<3 I love that you cover these topics in a really practical way. Keep it up!

[ravenscircle]

When talking to a person in an abusive relationship with a manipulative partner, don't use strong words at first like, abuse, domestic violence, victim, etc. More times than not they will become defensive and deny that it's what is going on and eventually will stop opening up to you. When talking to the victim use terms like, that sounds really frustrating and that has to be a hard situation to deal with, you have a lot of courage to be talking about this with me. It's good to compliment the victim as they will see it as you just being someone they can talk to outside of their relationship and someone who is supportive.

[josephmaxwellpo]

I have a best friend in an Adult Education Center that told me multiple times that she gets abused by her father and whenever I hear about it, I become very worried and scared for her, a lot. I told her (my best friend) that I'm there for her whenever she needs someone like me to confide in and at the same time I sometimes encourage her to seek help from a guidance councilor at the same adult ed. center we attend at together. I want to say thank you for making a video on how to be there for someone who get's victimized of domestic abuse and with this video, it'll help me be there for my best friend who's victimized of abuse.

[teaandsocks]

My online friend is being abused and I can't really tell them to stay off of social media, it's really stressing me because they could do something irrational without me finding out since it's just online and nobody would care to check if anything were to happen. I'm really at a loss.

[onedaythisuniversewillbede]

thanks, this will help my friend who is living with us...and I would worry sick every night...and everytime we wake I would hug her and never let go until like 7:00am...and I would protect her even if nothing is going on...

[tejhh]

My friend is being abused verbally and physically and this helped. Thanks

[zachstrobel]

I am only in 6th grade but my friend is getting abused by his mom and dad and I just found out about it this morning and it just fills me with madness that someone would do that to there own CHILD and I want to help so much but like she said in the video we can’t barge into there house yelling but I am sad because I may not be able to see him again because he is telling the police and he might get relocated to a different family and it just comes to show that you need to not take for granted the time you have with a person or anything but if I see him tomorrow I will tell him I will go to my church pastor and have him pray with me for him. I hope things get better for him and all of you guys it just makes me mad and sad at the same time that people have to go through this stuff!

[smas]

Hi Cristen!!!
I am an avid follower of Stuff Mom Never Told you. I share everything from your fun videos, and some of your serious ones. Your portrayal scientifically accurate and historically accurate information about issues, random facts, history is engaging and presents different perspectives that help people understand the complexity some topics. 

This video was well-needed, and you did a splendid job covering it with the exception of one area. One of the most common forms of domestic violence, that is only starting to gain more attention in recent years is sibling abuse. Unfortunately its victims definitely fall under the radar because this form of violence is so normalized and assumed not to be pervasive or detrimental. As someone who was a childhood and adult abuse from my sibling, it would have been nice to hear your voice validate this as an issue for the many people like myself, who experience this form of abuse. 

Btw, sorry for that mini-digression :) I really love your videos and will continue to watch you because you're someone that I really look up to.