Addressing the Hmong Community (abuse, gaslighting, men)

it's time to talk.

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[maikuevang]

Thank you for sharing. As you said and unfortunately, many Hmong women experience this and are isolated, perpetuating a sense of hopelessness and more often anger that this is engrained in our culture/heritage/community.

I do want to share that while it seems that the work of ending patriarchy in our community seems endless, that there are many Hmong women doing the work in ending gender based violence in the Hmong community.

If anyone is interested in learning more, being a part of the conversation, and/or being a part of the movement towards ending gender based violence in the Hmong community these are some organizations you can follow to find out how you can contribute:

Freedom Inc
Hmong American Women’s Association
Cia Siab Inc
Transforming Generations
Manforward
Building Our Future Campaign
Wi Family Strengthening Helpline
Hmong Gender Justice Collective

Thanks again Fei for addressing this important message.

[byunb]

It is so sad how parents doesn't love their daughters as much as their sons because in the future their daughter is going to marry another man and take care if his parents while the sons will find a women to come take care of their parents.

[Ohmy_Goku]

This actually hit home. As a Hmong girl I’m expected to be married by the age of 18 if later I’m considered as old. By 24 I should be married but what if I don’t want to get married? What if I want to be independent? They aren’t ready for that conversation yet.

[dorajinx]

As a Hmong myself, I dislike that the Hmong community treats boys better than girls and higher expectations for girls, and I totally agree with everything that you said (thx for mentioning these things 😊)

[thblus]

I sobbed in the middle of the video as it really did hit home. I’m a 18 year old girl who is Hmong. My father is a very traditional man who thinks men are the boss and have holds on women’s. He always use verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse on my mom. I would step in to stop him because I have siblings who will be scared and cry. He would tell me to not give him an attitude and be respectful to him; when all I would say is, “stop it, don’t hurt my mom.” My father side of the family is very traditional, so when they hear about what happened/happens. They would say, “be patient, ” “it’s okay, it’ll get better, ” “just bear with him he’s your father, ” “don’t tell anyone what happened, or they will talk about your family behind your back.” But here’s what I say every time to them when I hear them say that. “I will not let my own father verbal abuse, physical abuse, and disrespect my mom or me; you guys can be offended, mad, or think that I’m giving an attitude and disrespecting my father, when what I’m really doing is protecting and standing up to my mom and me. Right now, I’m in college and I’m doing everything I can to be an independent woman and show them that I don’t need to look for a man and be a good housewife for him. I am also working hard, so that in the future my mom can have peace and rest as she couldn’t have any.

[YueTubey]

Most of the time, it’s good to call out your own community to help strengthen and unite the community even more. The point of being a human is to gain knowledge to be a wiser, stronger, and better person. Thank you so much for using your platform to voice your opinions, Fei.

[dayizaiah]

As a hmong, queer, male, I can confirm what Fei is saying is true. When I was younger, I was raised to believe women were the ones to be cooking, cleaning, serving men whether they liked it or not. The girls were always under pressure to marry, and be obedient to their husbands. I never wanted to believe this because deep down it was always wrong but it was apart of our “culture”. There’s been many family stories I hear from my aunties of them getting abused mentally by their significant other, but having to maintain their marriage because divorce was not an option. And if you were to divorce, you’d be seen as rude, disrespectful, and unwomanly to all of your hmong piers. I never could speak up or say anything because this was the norm. Women had to be placed in a box where they had to live this reality, and if they disobeyed they were a disappointment. As a new generation of Hmong families start to grow, hmong people are finally realizing the issue. There’s still a lot of improvement, like protecting not just hmong women, but queer hmong women and men as well. Thank you Fei for sharing this. 💕

[moonstoneghost]

Even if I’m not Hmong, I can relate to this so much. I’m Mexican-American, and I have very old fashioned parents. And my mom always tells me that I should learn how to cook and clean to serve my future husband. Which is so frustrating because I am not what they want me to be. I’m not straight, I don’t act feminine at all. I act the opposite, I talk back, act more masculine then normal, everything that I’m not supposed to be. My mom always tells me that I have to get my shit together just because my mom was taught to do that. It breaks me so much, I’m always so close to snapping and then I’m painted the villain. That’s also why I work my ass off to be independent even though I’m always so tired and unmotivated. So to all the Hmong girls, I know how it feels and I’m with you.

[asharisama]

This is exactly what I realized recently. When I was little, my uncle would bring his friends over and we grew up having the mindset of being praise, but now when i think of it.. its so digusting thinking of how the old men would say "Wow your niece is so beautiful and young. How old is she?" Straight up nasty.

[sweetful]

YAAAASSS Linda, say it louder for the people in the back! 👏🏼 I LOVE and AM proud of being Hmong, but have such a big love/hate relationship with the Hmong culture. Thank you for using your platform for bringing awareness to these things! ❤️

[juliannavang]

I remember one time my aunt, who I no longer associate with, gave me a lecture on being a good Hmong daughter who can cook 3-4 dishes for guests when they come over so they would go tell their sons to marry me. When she was lecturing me, I felt really bad for her daughters because I would never never tolerate that kind of mindset. After she left, I let my mom know that I did not like that woman because I don't live to please anyone, but myself. Thankfully my mom does not think like that woman. I don't live in my house for others to come to watch me put on a show so their sons would choose to marry me. I've always hated and been against how women are treated in the Hmong community. I don't tolerate it and if that doesn't make me a good Hmong daughter then so be it because it's time for Hmong women to finally be free.

[mingkoos]

I’m not hmong but thank you fei for using your platform to spread awareness and to educate those of us who had no idea of these issues

[jiminie]

I really dislike the "ua siab ntev (be patient)" phrases. It triggers me everytime my parents said that.

[Brianna-vogv]

it’s so sad that even i found myself enjoying the praise of “being obedient” or “being well behaved” when i was younger. it was so normalized and was the only thing our families noticed about us women and girls. and now as someone who speaks out and makes it known that women aren’t below men. people tend to “shame” me for being so “defiant.” the social construct of the hmong community itself is so belittling towards women, and makes it difficult for a woman to even have her own voice. we are the new generation, we are the change.

[bibidoescrime]

Not Hmong, but I'm Nigerian and the same stuff happens. Women are expected to take stuff from men, do only things that are "traditional women's roles" etc, etc. Not to mention lightening your skin to be prettier...🙄 Needless to say I could see where your were coming from in this vid!
Edit: Also, my ma is literally only with my dad rn to save face, he's cheated and everything 😑 and she just won't. Like it's downright traumitizing

[mouaeve]

As a 13 years old hmong girl, i can relate to the pressure of being a girl. The adults would always tell me that i would only be a $1 wife/bride (if you know what that mean) because i cant cook as good and take the responsibility of a grown women. No one should have to go thru any of this 😢. ITS TOO MUCH

[muffinatorr]

I personally am not Hmong but was previously in a relationship with a Hmong man for 5 years and spent a great deal of time with his family. I saw a lot of these behaviors and experienced them as well. It was hard because I felt like I couldn’t say or do anything because I was essentially the “outsider.” Being not Hmong made it even worse because I was invalidated even more-so. I didn’t fit the standard of the well-behaved Hmong woman and I know there were a lot of people in my ex’s family who didn’t like that. I never liked being forced to be help in the kitchen and always felt pressure to be friendly with everyone even if I knew they weren’t nice people. My anxiety skyrocketed like never before when attending family events to the point where I had to tell my ex that I just couldn’t go to them anymore and the one time that I did I had a major breakdown in front of everyone. A lot of our relationship struggles stemmed from issues that I had with his family. It was really hard to leave that relationship because we had been together for so long but my mental health improved drastically after leaving him and not only that but just my life in general improved exponentially.

[iamktlyn]

Yesterday my mom told me back then her mom was bought to marry a soldier and when the soldier had died the family told her they’ll pay her family to marry the younger brother. Fei you are my inspiration:)

[Sarah-ulec]

im korean but i can relate to this sm. i heard korea itself is becoming less traditional, but i see so many koreans living in america who are stuck in their old ways. im talking about the dads, including my own. everything was his way or the highway. he was so toxic. he was physically, mentally, emotionally abusive. he got pissed for our tiny mistakes, yet could never apaologize or acknowledge his faults. all my achievements and praises were because of him, not me 🙄 the list goes on

[Gnylevee]

I remember my mom telling me. "Why are you dating another race. Who told you to date another race. If they hit you, cheat on you, etc they don't care. And we can't do anything cause they don't know our culture." It makes me laugh cause I hear A LOT of this stuff happening within our own family/clan/relatives and they literally don't do anything about it. But Fei, you should do another video on hmong parents, their expectations, etc. Cause I deal with that a lot. :))