Clean vs. Dirty Pain: Are You Creating Your Own Suffering? How to Process Your Emotions 4/30

Get the course: How to Process Your Emotions

The truth is that we create much of our own suffering. Why is this awesome? If we can identify something we are doing to create our own suffering, then we can fix it! We can take action to resolve the problem and come to peace. When we can identify areas to change, we can heal our hearts from anger, fear, and depression.

Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.

About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.

In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC
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[choppera]

It takes a lot of humility to realize that the majority of our suffering is self created.

[fembot]

My husband died 2 months ago suddenly. I am grieving of course but an added bonus to this pain is self pity at being left alone in my 40’s with two young kids and anxiety about finances. Whenever I focus on those two things my grief gets infinitely worse and I feel like I cannot function. When I stop those self defeating thoughts I start to feel like I am ok and can survive this new life. I also watched your video on routines for depression and I am going to start that next. Life is hard sometimes but we have to take steps to get through the hardest points 😞

[misskatiescarlett]

It's called ruminating. Getting yourself prepared for a future attack, even if the attack on yourself never comes to fruition. Sometimes it helps, but mostly it's having the confidence and courage to stand up to people in the moment it happens.

[maryellenthompson]

I used to have this dirty pain that caused unbearable anxiety and depression until I went to counseling where I had cognitive behavior therapy. I learned about my thought patterns and how to eliminate “stinking thinking.” I also learned journal, controlled breathing and meditation. I faithfully followed this program and once I got a hang of it I improved greatly. That was in 2008. I’m still free of that severe anxiety and depression.

[annetteprice]

If you have developmental or childhood trauma and you never assign blame and grieve the loss of appropriate parenting, you will remain stuck in suffering. Maybe I missed it, but I don’t think I saw this addressed in this video.

I spent decades avoiding blame because of the approach touted in this video. It did not serve me. With my particular issues, I needed to place blame. It was a part of my healing. Two and a half years into recovery from trauma, I have now assigned blame appropriately and I am doing so much better.

I would hate for anyone to miss this crucial point.

[GenderPunkJezebelle]

This topic is really challenging for me as an abuse survivor. I went from abusive parents to an abusive partner and basically spent more than half my life being told that *everything* was my fault, every problem was some kind of overreaction or cognitive distortion on my part, that my judgment of what was inappropriate or unkind was "broken" and I had no right to feel any emotions in response to poor treatment because I wasn't actually being treated badly. (I was.)

It's hard to navigate now. I realize that everyone has blind spots and behaviors that may be causing them problems, but when someone talks about "victim mindset" or "distorted thinking" my guard is instantly up for gaslighting, because that's what I'm used to those phrases meaning.

[Adakataba]

Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.

[haileynichelle]

I often find myself in a negative thought loop, thinking too much about imaginary future situations or conversations where something stressful, upsetting, or dangerous is present, and I start feeling the emotions of the situation when it hasn't even happened to me and probably never will. How do I stop doing this to myself?

[sarahwingert]

My biggest self-inflicted pain is that I constantly doubt if my pain and my feelings are real or just a victim-mindset. It tends to make me think my feelings are wrong and I don't deserve to feel that way cause "there isn't a real issue".

[SGRmoss]

You should never tell someone you need to talk to them and then refuse to tell them about what. I've had friends do this in the past and it creates a tremendous amount of anxiety. Whether it is unwarranted anxiety or not, people need to stop leaving people hanging like that.

[MsBrowniepuff]

Thank you so much for these videos. Quarantine has made me stuck with my toxic and sometimes abusive family and I am not financially able to afford therapy right now. You have no idea how much your work is helping people.

[patmaurer]

Will Smith has a powerful post about "fault versus responsibility." It's not your fault you had an abusive childhood, a spouse who cheated, or a chronic illness. But it is your responsibility to figure out how to be okay. <3

[vanej]

Not sure if this has been commented already, but for the clean/dirty phrasing, Buddhism has the concept of the first and second arrow. First arrow is the outside event that causes initial pain. Second arrow is our reaction (overthinking, basically all the 'dirty' pain) to the event that causes us to suffer even more.

[nurarihion]

It's like the stoic and Buddhist perspective, pain is unavoidable in this world, but suffering is optional, it is inevitable to have things happen in our lives that will hurt and be painful, but the stance and the reactions and how we decide to deal with it is where our power lies.

[generationfigtree]

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27 kjv

[anxietylab]

Self-awareness is the key to over-coming this. Personal responsbility is often mis-cast as blame for what happened to us (abuse survivors). We are not responsible for what happened to us, but we are responsible for how we respond to it. That is the hard part. (I just wish society could get this distiniction clear - survivors are not responsible for thier abuse or the condition it leaves us in.)

[edenhoneyy]

Seeing this is helping me see how I’ve been creating my own suffering and how I need to stop needing an explanation for things from people. I don’t need to get closure or hold onto the feelings I have that hurt me when I have removed myself from those situations. It’s okay to let friends go and situations go and jobs go or to just remove yourself from things that you can see are hurting you.

[diorjuiicy]

Mindfulness 🧘‍♀️ is where to start. Being mindful. One step at a time. I can do this I can do anything I put my mind to!!!

[TheEmMoi]

You truly are a pioneer for what therapists can truly do. yeah on a local front you help your own community, but now you can touch even more lives globally! my heart is so thankful for your truthful and honest content. so excited to start the emotion processing course! :)

[l.stevens]

Your teaching should be a required course in all schools. How much suffering could be avoided if we learned earlier how our brains/thoughts work before adolescence grabs us and carries us away from what’s true!