It's Not Actually Your Fault You're Alone - Therapist Explains

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[Jazzmaster]

I'm glad the conversation is switching away from blaming the individual for all of the outcomes of their life. I was doing that for so long until people started to help me realize not everything is up to me to change, I can only do so much, and there's no value in focusing on what I cannot control.

[zackr.]

That's why sometimes I don't care for grades at uni. As long as I pass and I understand the topic, I'm satisfied. If a professor isn't happy because I didn't choose their prefered choice of words or because they disagree with my general opinion, rather than the way I argued, that's on them.

[kani-licious]

hardest part of taking responsibility is living with the guilt of hard regrets. Like I know you shouldn't blame yourself for it, but it's really hard to shake off the feeling of the resulting actions that you ultimately end up doing or not.

[anonymouse]

Reasons out of your control that you might be alone (it's not your fault and you're deserving of love):
1) We live in a very superficial and trend-based society. The similar types of hierarchies that rule our larger systems and toxic work environments are present in some form or fashion basically since our school days. Kids have literally been socialized, whether from parents, media, teachers, stigmas, etc, to form cliques based on status, looks, clothes they can afford, grades, etc. So imagine the effect that has on our psyches if it started at such a young age. We are pitted against each other as competitors, as the "haves" and "have-nots, " as "you" vs "them" from a very young age, making it hard to find genuine friendships and bonds that don't crash due to drama, bullying, out-casting, jealousy, and trust issues. This of course carries onto and gets worse in adulthood.

2) Opportunities for education/jobs are not at all evenly distributed. This means it's very easy to lose touch with trusted family and friends just for the mere fact that you or others will probably have to leave each other to create your own lives. And now that times are very uncertain, lay-offs are happening quickly, costs of living are getting ridiculous, it is so much harder to maintain any sort of stable connections.

3) We have almost completely lost touch with our humanity in this society. Many ppl consider simply being there for others a "waste of time" unless they can provide something significant, or are rich/popular/good-looking enough to be around, esp ppl obsessed with social media and status. If ppl are very empathetic and giving, they are often taken advantage of by those that don't reciprocate at all or treat them like trash. Empathy, consideration, listening, and equality are things that this society is not built to hold up as something valuable, regardless of the fact that many politicians and companies pretend like they care about this stuff. The things that are valued in this society? How good you can look through your money, material possessions, lovers, etc regardless of what you did to get there. Even if people don't commit real crimes in the process of trying to get to the top, many people will try to drag others down in other ways. Sometimes they don't even notice the ways in which their behavior is affecting others, which is even scarier.

It's very hard to feel seen and heard in this society. But maybe it'll make you feel better if you realize this is a much more common experience than you think. If nothing else, continue to meet ppl/tell your stories to internet communities like this to help get you through. Regardless of how independent we are, humans need each other. I hope we can work more on seeing each other's humanity and I have hope that we are slowly getting there. The tides of changes are coming in surely, even if they seem harsh right now.

[Bendilin]

Whoever is editing these clips does such a perfect job of making it impossible to tell when and where they loop.

[boomynote]

As someone who regularly tries to take responsibility for things I honestly needed to hear this. There reaches a point where someone who is trying to take responsibility for themselves can sometimes start to take responsibility for things that are out of their control. As he said, we should absolutely devote our energy towards our personal actions and the things that we can control, BUT we should acknowledge that their are outside factors influencing things IN ADDITION to the things we have control over. It’s not one or the other, but it’s easy to go too far on either side, either taking full responsibility for all things even system issues or passing all responsibility towards everything but ones self. Interesting to think about

[KingRanter]

This is true but I can't stand it. I've understood only being responsible for my own actions for over 10 years but being thrown into the abyss by things I can't control time and time again has really taken its toll on me. I don't know how to cope with that.

[experimentalcyborg]

Please link the stream/video the clips came from in the description. People would like to learn more sometimes.

[bO]

This actually makes sense to me, right before covid i actuallu started going out by myself to meet people, which is incredibly foreign to me. When covid hit i wasnt able to try to be social and now for the past few years ive been isolating more than when i was doing drugs, theres days or weeks ill go without even talking to ppl and at this point idek how to talk.

[cbazxy]

The clips is from "you are 25 year old loner"

[juiceboxbzrk]

This man helps me right when I need it every time. I don't think life's ever been as hard as it is for me right now and these videos really do help restore portions of my sanity and make me feel human again.

[oyvucku]

I was raised that everything was my fault. Especially my sister- every time she acted out I was the one who also received punishment.

[MetalDeathMusic]

This is far different, and I think better, than the atypical advice of "You have to take responsibility even if it's not your fault". No, you don't! There's many things in my life that I had absolutely zero control over. So I've been trying to live with and try to fix and solve and fixate on everything I had no part in. That's caused massive amounts of undue stress and pain on top of whatever I actually do have control over.

[wandering-WD]

YES SIR material conditions are out here creating human nature we gotta be kinder to ourselves and each other

[v.s.]

THANK YOU, good addition from the "not a loser" short

take responsibility for stuff you can control and call it a day
PERFECT MIDDLEGROUND

but still, there are people in my life that refuse to take accountability for their actions and behaviors and blame it on something else (or me)

you can say "society made them so"
but you can't say "they are doing their best"

"maybe they just don't believe in doing better" sounds very tolerant, but it doesn't fix abuse.

Sure, they are messed up, but it's my responsibility to make myself happy and consequently my responsibility to not give a scrap for a circle of misery some person got put in (or put themselves in)

[DieFarbeLila]

What’s going on from a societal perspective is that I have trouble understanding sarcasm and ppl take advantage of that

[DarkGloComics]

It’d be great if you took control over linking the full video. 😂

[elysiadawn]

I want to change society. I hate the way everything is.

[GamerKiwi]

I wish you'd put the link the video in the description of the shorts. I really want to watch the full video

[matthewr]

The problem with this post, because it makes sense, is that the title/headline is completely reductive. But I guess that’s how headlines work. It’s just annoying when so many things are either you have no responsibility for your actions or you are completely in charge of everything that happens to you and there’s no external factors out of your control.

There a LOT of people who are alone because of thing a in their control, and there’s people alone for things not in their control and usually it’s, again, a mix. But humans desperately want relationships of all kinds, and if you’re generally kind, compassionate, caring, etc there’s a 99% chance you won’t be alone especially if you’re actively looking to form relationships. Doesn’t have to be a million, could be one just a couple, they still can bolster your strength.