The Actuary Song-I Love You Because, Original Off-Broadway Recording

Farah Alvin and Stephanie D'Abruzzo perform "The Actuary Song" from the original Off-Broadway production of "I Love You Because".

Music by Joshua Salzman
Book and Lyrics by Ryan Cunningham

[MissHilPaige]

Josh was one of my musical directors in college. A truly talented and kind person. So glad I came across this again!!

[kimbapkidding]

Here's The Actuary Song lyrics enjoy :)

DIANA
Take your relationship length, or RL
First year of RL
is worth six month`s recovery
The second year is worth exactly half that.

MARCIE
(laughs)

DIANA
Now don`t you laugh at this brilliant discovery
Each year is worth one half the lack of mirth the year before was worth
Your aches and pains will soon diminish.
So rebound time,
RT
Is the fraction of the year it takes for pain to disappear.
You go through RT and then finish.
Your RT is important,
And it really can`t be shortened.
No matter you do,
don`t even try

MARCIE
What if I``

DIANA
So you can date around
But then those guys will just be rebound men
That`s what rebound time is all about!
And it`s as simple as that.

MARCIE
So I give it time
Then find the one
I`m gonna go out and I`ll get him
Once my rebound time is done.
I have his picture in my mind,
It`s as clear as black and white.
He`ll be everything I`ve ever dreamed of.
I`m gonna find Mr. Right.
Yes`

DIANA
No.
We still need to figure out your rebound time.
You following me so far`

MARCIE
Yes` No.

DIANA
Some factors can make a relationship feel long
Like how right the break up felt
Or the way that things went wrong.
If you ask me,
It`s plain to see
That there are three things to consider
When it`s all to be configurated
Your RL.
It can change.
I know it may sound strange,
But what matters is how long it feels like you dated.
Your new RL
We`ll call it adjusted RL
Or just ARL.
And it`s the ARL that changes with:
One- what number boyfriend was he`
Was it low or was it high`
Also known as the number boyfriend index or the NBI
This matters, it does.
And it`s four divided by three plus the number boyfriend that he was.
Two- the who broke up with whom concept.
The WBUWWC- you with me`
If he dumped you, you multiply by five fourths.
If you dumped him, you multiply by three fourths.
And number three:
The bitterness factor
Rate the bitterness of the breakup on the scale of one to ten
You take that number, divide by point five and then you get the BF.
And it`s as simple as that!

MARCIE
So what`s my rebound time`

DIANA
Well, you actually dated for two years, he was your twenty-seventh boyfriend,
based on how you`re reacting to the breakup, I`d say the bitterness was about a 5`
So it`s like you dated for a year!

MARCIE
(gasp) You know, it felt like that!

DIANA
Exactly!
Putting your rebound time at six months. Officially.

MARCIE
Isn`t that what I said five minutes ago`

DIANA
But now it`s proven.

MARCIE
So I`ll give it time
Begin to heal
Once I`m done with rebound time
It`s time to bring on someone real
We`ll think all the same thoughts
And we`ll never ever fight
He`ll be everything I`ve ever dreamed of
I`m gonna find Mr. Right

DIANA
Yeah, actually, ah`

MARCIE
What`

DIANA
Well, it`s not that simple
Some of my friends got their perfect man,
But just before they got him
They dated the worst man possible
They hit boyfriend rock bottom.

MARCIE
So in order to find my perfect man,
I`ve need find someone who`s perfectly wrong!
I`m in New York, that shouldn`t take too long.

DIANA
You`ve gotta find Mr. Wrong while you`re in RT
Or you`ll repeat this cycle forever,
Just like me.

MARCIE
I`ll give it time
But first I have to find someone
Who`s flawed, structured, and boring
He`ll have warts of every kind.
I`ll give it time
But then leave Mr. Rebound behind

I`ll give it time
Otherwise I`ll be sure
To go back through the cycle that I`ve cycled through before.
I`m sure it won`t be pleasant,
But I`ll stand strong
So to find Mr Right

DIANA (in counterpoint)
You bet you will
Don`t blow it.
When I was in my rebound time,
I blew it and I knew it.
I blew it
God I blew it
I blew it and I knew it.
Super warty!
Warty, warty, warty, warty,
warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty
He`ll have a bump
Live in a dump
Be such a chump
That if you hump you`ll need a penis-pump

You`re gonna give it time
Otherwise you`ll be sure
to go back to the cycle that you`ve cycled through before
But you`ll stand strong
And I swear I will be there
No matter where
Because I care
We are a pair
And we will share
The wear and tear

MARCIE & DIANA
In the next six months
I/You`re gotta find Mr. Wrong.

[wetwillyis_]

As someone who grew up with an Actuary for a father and a musical director for a mother, this song is pretty much how my mind works.

[kitchensinkchronicles]

i'm doing this as a duet for my musical theatre class!