New Humane Method Of Capital Punishment

[tengun]

None of the test subjects reported pain during the trials.

[nosmirc]

Guillotine: "Who the fck are you?!"
Ohio's New Execution System: "I am you, but with a twist!"

[alexthekiaguy]

That white noise is important. Without the White noise this entire machine won't work

[jamesirwin]

In other news, the first 3 rows are now designated as a splash zone.

[SpedMonkey-mqdv]

Its better for the environment because its electric powered

[madlad]

You have to appreciate how The Onion appeals to all audiences. Some will laugh at the satirical view on capital punishment, others will be in stitches because of the *excellent* visual effects, and younger generations will lose it at the word "Ohio". Truly inspiring what you've done here. The world needs more compassionate news sources like this.

[shodanodor]

Imagine being the freelance graphic design guy they reached out to for this…😂

[ryanrevland]

My aunt's nephew was peacfully transitioned this way. The talons also inject coagulants to reduce blood splatter. It's a no mess gelatin. Very efficient.

[Maclues]

Humanity's capacity for compassion is inspiring.

[forlorndream]

I like the tenderising process at the end. That was a nice touch. 🤣🤣🤣

[mikeraphone]

I used to oppose the death penalty, but this has turned my perspective and crushed my doubts

[vTv]

The brain is further fed to the victims family to satisfy the urge for closure, science at work you know.

[Karmasu_L]

That escalated quickly.

But fun fact. The chemicals used in lethal injections have no medical backing because the oath prevents every medical practitioner from advising in capital punishment in any way.
In other words, no one involved in the execution can reasonably say how the used chemicals effect the inmate, how much to use or even what chemical should be used.

[SquirmyWormy__]

My uncle was executed this way and he didnt feel a thing. He was smiling throughout the entire process

[jimroberts]

The Onion actors are the best. How they can stay so straight faced is amazing!

[wingspantt]

I used to be against the death penalty, but this machine changes my mind.

[JubeiKibagamiFez]

I'm so glad you guys are back. We need this material now, more than ever.

[geraniaceae]

I am so proud of our christian values.
We have come so far since the Middle Ages!!

[frankverhoeven]

A cushioned seat? From taxpayers’ money?

[Kirin__]

The way she says compassion while the head is twisting gets me