that's a red flag? but I do that.... [cc]

An exploration of the concept of ‘red flags’ — possible warning signs of bad actors.
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opening quote:
Stella: Once it was: See somebody, get excited, get married. Now it’s: Read a lot of books, fence with a lot of four-syllable words, psychoanalyse each other until you can’t tell the difference between a petting party and a civil service exam!
Jeff: Well that’s fine Stella. Now would you fix me a sandwich please?
[home nurse Stella lectures an incapacitated Jeff in Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window (1954)]
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0:00 the appeal of red flags
1:14 a troublesome concept
2:33 positive ‘love-bombing’?
3:11 the zabaglione effect
4:28 red flags vs red lights
5:44 assessing motives
6:26 case study: ‘Isak‘
6:48 style vs substance
7:52 a questionable benchmark
8:58 assessing a new relationship
9:49 mirroring
10:32 interrogation
10:55 overblown expressions of trust
11:32 love bombing
11:42 rush to commit
12:52 mood swings
13:19 silent treatments
13:51 dominance tests
14:25 ambivalence
14:48 unfit partners don’t need to be ‘monsters’
15:54 the revamp
17:14 summary
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music © TheraminTrees
Full original music tracks used in videos are available to patreon supporters who pledge at the $1 per video level.

[TheraminTrees]

There’s a proliferation of videos and articles out there produced by homespun ‘relationship gurus’ who label all kinds of perfectly harmless traits and behaviours as ‘red flags’. We’re given a never-ending list of bogus, frivolous reasons to cut people out of our lives, encouraging alienation and isolation. My hope is to encourage a more cautious approach — one that takes appropriate measures to guard against destructive individuals but doesn't throw out good folks like trash.

[ihlly]

This is how I've always understood the idea of red flags, not an immediate "get the f* out of here" but just a mental note to pay attention to something that could be a patern

[direraven]

The popularization of "Therapy Words" from those that misapply them, has severely blemished their positive effect. I know as slang evolves it can take on new meaning, but losing the impact of the past meaning without good replacements really sucks.

[Maxarcc]

17:12 I love how the abuser blasts off, and Isak turns his head to the camera like: "get a load of this guy."

[PlatinumAltaria]

It's comforting to believe that we can always see harm coming, but that leads to inevitable victim blaming when one of these "clear signs" slips through the cracks. The truth is that we can't always see things coming. What's important is not having perfect armour, but having the tools to recover and heal when something slips past us.

[ultimateninjaboi]

Yeah. Its always important to remember that red flags NEED to be treated as simply signals. Part of a bigger picture. A bonfire and a house fire both put up smoke. Ignoring it outright or treating it as inherent proof of danger are both bad ideas.

[RealPumpkinJay]

I create illusions of connection every time I go to work. I am a nurse. I try to find a point of connection with someone quickly to establish a bit of rapport to start an instant connection with someone other than their presence in the hospital.
I like to make people feel as comfortable as humanly possible during the short time I work with them. I never fully develop that. I will forget their names in a matter of days. While they’re here, they’re one of the centres of my world.

[CoreenMontagna]

As a neurodivergent person with a tendency to become intensely attached to people, the discourse on “love bombing” has always made me uncomfortable because I know my behavior could be interpreted that way, even though I have no manipulative intent and never feel like the person I’m “love bombing” owes me anything in return. Thank you for talking about the nuances here.

[WildeKitty]

I've been "too" earnest cheerful and open since I was little. People often treat my overly nice and optimistic personality with suspicion. It's a defense reaction from a childhood filled with CPTSD. I may be a codependent people pleaser, but I'm also a peacemaker and a problem solver.
I really do mean the sweet things I say, but also I mentally melt down during conflict, so I avoid it desperately. I'm in therapy, and my friends and family are impressed by my self awareness, but it's still a struggle. I learn so much from your videos. Thanks❤

[chimpinz]

Something I appreciate about this channel is that, despite belonging to a therapist, being on YouTube, and exploring abuse, the videos do not market themselves to the point of contortion. It's not popcorn psychology hinging on why someone who hurt you is a narcissist or otherwise pathologizing people or the viewer to explain the viewer's experiences—it does not need excessive ethos (the creator's credentials, the wholesale invalidation of the abuser or validation of the viewer) or pathos (here's what your feelings mean, or: CLICK HERE TO HAVE ALL YOUR SUFFERING EXPLAINED AND SOLVED GOING FORWARD). So often it feels as if the easily marketable, uncritical and incautious dissemination of therapeutic/psychological ideas arms abusers with the authority of "therapy talk", isolates the abused by encouraging them to act on any prescription of when someone should be cut out, and ultimately works against the appeal of the ideas.

This channel avoids that, being emotionally resonant enough to be appropriate and appealing in its content, but not abusing the authority of its ideas and making sure to constantly maintain thoughtful, critical reasoning. It's a breath of fresh air.

[-JaggedGrace-]

It’s been frustrating seeing Red Flag spammed across the internet like a witch hunt. People jumping on a trend for clicks and attention, even if they have to spread misinformation and distrust to do it. Your level-headed and well-worded assessments always bring me so much satisfaction.

[wun_zee]

It's not the same as mirroring but us autistic folks do something similar in an attempt to relate to people. We don't lie about our experience, but if we see similarities between our experiences and others experiences then we feel compelled to share it as a way of saying "I've been thru similar stuff", either to try and comfort them or make them feel included. For us, it's never a "making it about me" type of thing, but rather a "I know what that's like" thing.

[robsquared]

Six Flags: A physical rollercoaster
Red Flags: An emotional rollercoaster

[Calcanthite]

Thanks for pointing out how ridiculous it is to call having the wrong flavor of cell phone a red flag

[SxyLaa]

You're one of the only persons who talks about modern social issues in such a magnificently well thought out way. Which is not only getting harder but also being supressed by a growing culture of emotionaly centered non sequiturs. Your work is much needed in your time and for that I thank you. ❤

[mossisneat]

Love when I get these videos at randomest of times

[SublimeSynth]

at a time where self help and psychological content is being co-opted by malicious actors who cater their harmful content to dissected people, this channel is massive relief. always high quality and congruent with current academic work on related subjects.

[jeffreychandler]

This is an exceptionally good video. I had an abusive friend that leveraged red flags, and my own internal shame and scarcity mindset helped her control my behavior. Anytime I ticked a "red flag" box I would get reprimanded, and I would feel like garbage, then avoid it. Then I would hit the next one. The entire time I was confused, like how is any of this abusive? I don't understand!

What I did, I learned, wasn't abusive. "you loved bombed me" no, I was just loving, and maintained it for the entire friendship. "you threatened suicide if I left", no, I earnestly talked about my suicidality and depression, she personalized it. "you stalked me!" No, I simply checked in when you were giving me the silent treatment.

The list can go on about the ways she leveraged "red flags" to abuse me. And I see this, extremely commonly among my generation, that oh so loves thought crime and simple labels.

One of my favorite personal slogans is "love bombing is not about the love, it's about the withdrawal of love"

[chonkychonk]

A girl I dated once said that it’s a red flag that I don’t smile whenever I see baby ducks. Yeah, i’m depressed.

[MechMK]

After an intensely abusive relationship, I've come to realize I'm not ready to be in one. No matter to whom I talk to with romantic intent, I have this deep-seated fear inside me of "What if she's going to be abusive too?". I see even small signs as potential red flags and just leave.

Even if she would have turned out not to be abusive, she'd deserve a better partner than I can be right now. Maybe in the future I'll have healed enough to give love a second chance. Maybe not.