How to Get Approached by Gay Black Men

I recently got a great comment in regards to getting approached by gay black men and not by older gay white men.. I thought it was very interesting and feel I have a fun/different perspective on it.

But! I am opening the floor to everyone else to see what you all think, specifically those of you that have more experience in this department!

[JonS]

After a 22 year relationship/marriage I am suddenly an old white man in my mid 60s. I fell in love with a black man’s soul, laughter, musicality, and reciprocating 💕 who was five years younger. We were supposed to grow old together but he had a massive heart attack last week at the age of 60.

I likely will never date again. But I wanted to explain that old white men, in a generation that didn’t permit them to have families, are often fearful of dying alone.

I met my husband at church, we knew each other for two years and we didn’t know we were each attracted to one other until one friend spilled the beans. In the 22 years we were together we never had an argument. I didn’t love him because he was black, I loved him because he was everything.

[kevinbrown-gesz]

A couple of thoughts: Anyone who is unattractive and horny is creepy it's not because they are older; everyone's sex drive doesn't die down as they get older; that older person sees himself as he was in his late 20's to mid 30's and will sometimes forget he's too old for most young men; to all the young men reading this, one day you will be that older man.

[thedream]

I'm black and gay, ...yet blacks block me just as much as white men. I'm in shape and not bad looking. I've given up hope on relationships and I'm only 20.

[gejrsxy]

I am a gay Black man and the VAST MAJORITY of men that have approached me throughout my life have been older white men, usually old enough to be my father or even my grandfather. I am attracted to white men, but I prefer white men within my age range. For some reason white men within my age range are usually not attracted to me or outright reject me, so I've stopped approaching them. I find it is very strange and I've never understood it.

[raylewis]

I get the opposite. I worked (retired now) for a State Agency. Many (most) of my staff were African immigrants. Often we’d go out after a rough shift, at 11pm. Younger black men frequently approach ME. I don’t know if it’s bc they saw that I walk in with a predominantly black group. I made the mistake of driving my “date car” to our gay-bar area once, so maybe I’m perceived as a zillionaire. We all have our preferred “type”. I find that younger black men don’t take rejection well—I’ve been called racist, even though our group is mostly black.

[edwardspriggs]

if you give off self confidence (not cockiness), calmness a touch of class and being down to earth is a turn on for me.

[tbecker]

As an older gay White man, first off, you're very cute, very pretty.
Dating apps, in general, are a very sketchy in which to meet other gay men. Period.
Out and about in the real world obviously is the best way, but, those opportunities don't necessarily always present themselves.
Everybody, everyone has his own idea of what he'd like his perfect to be... standards, right?
Getting back to the apps, a lot of that, those messages, you have to take with a grain of salt.
I've always tended to date men of color: Black, Latino, Asian. Rarely another younger White guy.
I don't know if this helps, but, maybe put those preferences in your introductory paragraph when you initially sign up for an online site or app.
Take care, be safe and best wishes!

[brianconnor]

It's interesting that you only mentioned older white men 'creeping' on younger black men as if this is a unidirectional thing. Are you not aware that there are many younger black men who very proactively initiate contact with older white men because they are eagerly and preferentially attracted to them? If you are not aware that this happens very frequently, then there is an apparent void in your information and experience. The only difference is, I don't take it as 'creeping' every time it happens to me, I take it as a compliment. Sometimes I'm interested, and sometimes I'm not, but in every instance, I respond with courtesy, appreciation, respect, and diplomacy.

[ak]

Two thoughts:
1. For a lot of gay men, especially older ones, hook-ups were how you made friends. Maybe the two of you had fun with the hook-up itself, but you found there was no romantic chemistry but you clicked as friends. ... So you hang out start hanging out as friends. Cool.
2. Like you said, you have no idea who these older men know. It's not really weird for older gay men to bring younger gay men (as friends) to social events. It's an opportunity to meet a lot of new people.

Also, a lot of older gay men have had tough lives... not necessarily physically or monetarily, but in the sense that they've always had to be 'on' and maintain high energy. That really wears a guy out after awhile. Older guys are often looking for someone they can relax with, someone they can share some of their world with. Maybe they enjoy sex with you, but it's not why they like spending time with you. Maybe they enjoy your youth or spark?

Lastly, whether you're looking for friends, Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now, it's SO hard to meet people you click with. Getting hung up on age or 'race' really limits your options.

[justjosie]

I am a white guy and my very first sexual experience was with a MUCH older dark skinned Black man. He followed me around a bookstore, regular NOT adult, as I was young. He started standing beside me even after I moved aisles. So I guess you would say it was creepy. Long story short, he finally started talking to me and we ended up hooking up. I continued to see him for some time until he moved for his job, or so he said. It was obvious he wanted our seeing each other to be a secret, which I assumed was due to my age at the time versus his. Regardless it was a fantastic experience and I am glad he creeped on me.

[mariemm]

Why’d you put those guys on your thumbnail? I love them. Are they creepy? :(

[chriswhiteauditions]

I used to attract a lot of older gay white men who were creepy or insecure. I knew that because I'm kind of an old soul and an empathetic listener, I would naturally attract someone a little older than me. But after a few years, I eventually realized that somewhere deep inside I didn't believe that I could, nor that I deserved to, attract a handsome black man who was close to my age. A couple of friends challenged me to work through that misconception. Part of how I did that was to change how I saw myself. I used to focus on how I didn't feel cool/hip, and how I wasn't sexy or fit. I thought I was just a big, weird, boring lump of flesh. When I started owning the fact that I'm kind, intelligent and fun, that replaced the pressure of "having" to be cool or hip and I became more confident. When I started owning the fact that I have my own sense of style and always present myself with dignity and joy, that helped get rid of the need to "be sexy". And when I started focusing more on how I could take better care of myself on a consistent basis, I started to get more fit. I basically realized that I was my own version of cool and sexy, and that that was enough. I also started telling myself that I deserved a good looking guy my age.
After all of this, I was able to interact with more confidence and ease, and I started to attract other black guys who were young and attractive. I had some lovely dates and got to know some beautiful black men, and it didn't happen until I realized that I am a beautiful black man. Don't wait for someone else to validate and affirm you. Consistently do those things for yourself and enjoy the resulting changes!

[chuckmyers]

excellent suggestion. "just do it" "what do you have to lose". "you will know for yourself, after you take the mystery out of the equation". Thanks for the affirmation.

[santandeha]

Although you gay, your thumbnail was kinda homophobic and racist

[davidwoodford]

What a wise, young man. Thanks for sharing your compassionate ideas. Very interesting. Frankly speaking, older gay men entering or re-entering the gay dating life could use a good guide.

[GaryFlaxman]

You have a wonderful sense of self!
Keep your positive thinking going, and know that a beautiful man like yourself will ALWAYS attract what you put out there in the universe!

[sheylover]

Hey, I have been curious to get to know how gay men get everything they need from their men... like how do you get a man to spoil you from a gay man perspective..I don't know if that makes sense 😅... would love to hear your two sense

[jaya.d-gauthier]

I’m a gay black man and I don’t disregard though shy away from friendships or relationships with gay black men I’m not already close with for the simple reason that I don’t surround myself with negativity no matter what color. It seems in the “black community” it’s become so normal for us to complain about it all this “systemic racism” (that has been outlawed since before we were born) while saying the most racist things. You’re lonely? So are older men. Or white men. Or whatever kind of men. Young gay men act like this and then have the nerve to complain about them feeling lost and unloved as gay or black? Maybe stop focusing so much on being divisive. This victim mentality does nothing for us as black or gay people. It’s enough. 🤦🏿‍♂️

[TyStephens]

Beautiful and bright young man. Thank you for this conversation.

[royeb]

If you can't get "Mr. Right" you just have to settle for "Mr. Right-now". :O)