Have we banned magic from our family?

Did you know that the Montessori style of education (and parenting) avoids fantasy for young children?

CHAPTERS
00:00 Intro
00:36 Efteling
05:16 WHY no fantasy?
08:40 HOW do you stop the fantasy?
11:08 Why only until 6?
13:31 Are we destroying the magic of childhood?

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[scurvgirl]

Hi! I am a pediatric speech language pathologist (speech therapist) who works with children 18 months and older. There are a lot of really good points in this video about explaining to children how things work and reassuring them when a fantastical concept alarms them. That said, we know in cognitive development that children often go through a magical thinking period that is totally normal as they begin to work through cause and effect and why things happen. This magical thinking includes imagination, dramatic play, and fantasy. Concrete thinking comes after magical thinking as cause and effect concepts solidify. My issue with the hard number of "no fantasy until 6" ignores that not every child develops in the same timeline in this way. For example, I have a lot of 4-5 year old clients who LOVE fantasy, they make monsters out of play-doh, love fantastical stories, and have a wonderful time with it. They also understand that it isn't reality. The way I generally approach this topic is just "fantasy to the toleration of the child". Sounds like Rupert really likes concrete, realistic concepts - love that for him. The three year old girl I work with who loves to be a princess fighting dragons? Love that for her. We use reality to reassure when fantasy is scary, but we can also use fantasy to help fantasy based problems. I'll pull from personal experience - I had debilitating nightmares as a child, they were persistent and no amount of "it's not real" solved it. What DID solve it was being presented a toy dragon that magically protected me. Fantasy problems require fantasy solutions and reality based problems require reality based solutions. Because this is the internet - this was all said with the intention of having a respectful conversation. None of this is said with a tone of "you're wrong!" and more of a tone of "great points! Here's what I know to add to this conversation." I hope you have a lovely day :)

[scalylayde]

I think taking your cues from the child (which is the essence of montessori in my understanding anyway) is super important. My parents didn't want to celebrate christmas and do the whole santa claus thing, but then when I went to preschool, I came home crying and asking them why santa didn't visit me that year, and so they decided to do it. I wasn't scared of the thought of him breaking into the house at all because I took all my cues about safety from the adults around me. If they weren't concerned, I wasn't concerned.
Early belief in fairytales and magic shaped who I am to an incredible degree. My drive to prove that dragons must be real (because why else would every culture in the world talk about them?) ultimately led to my passion for anthropology and archaeology, which is what I studied in school. My outlook on the world comes from making sense of fantasy elements and magic and explaining how they are "real" in their own way. If I had been told "oh that's not real" as a kid, I don't know how I would have come out as an adult. Although an important note to this is that 1) this is just my experience and not all kids are the same and 2) I don't remember ever *asking* my parents if things were real or not, and I don't think lying to me directly would have been good.

[silversleeper]

I still disagree with the idea of excluding or explaining away fantasy. There is psychological benefit in the belief of what could be. Not everything has to be logical and practical. There’s also benefits to teaching children how to deal with their fear. “It’s not real” doesn’t work when the fear is heights or losing mummy or the dark.

[Ciara_Turner]

I much prefer the idea of introducing fantasy as something "not real" than my misconception of the montessori which was just ignoring it until they were older. I do think there's so much joy that can be found in escapism and imagination but for kids that young it can sure be terrifying sometimes

I love fantasy and magic and all things whimsical but my love for it started later in adolescence, if done appropriately I think this style of teaching how the world works makes a lot of sense

[dado__]

I would note that for some children, make believe includes acting out fantastical situations, and I don't think there's harm in that as long as they know that at the end of the day, it's not a real thing. It's very exciting to slay a dragon as a valiant knight or ride to the fairy kingdom on a unicorn, but they don't have to be real to be fun. And I'd really rather a kid act out slaying that dragon than pretending to be a cop and catching a bad guy. One is clearly fantastical and divorced from reality, but while the other *does* occur, policing in general is a lot more ugly and aligned with systematic oppression.

[insertname]

4:05 this is called echolalia! its a common way for infants and young children to learn to speak. they store sentences or single words with the same tone of voice and intonation and use them in varying situations, which also shows learning connections between similar situations. and many of us autistic people continue to keep echolalic phrases all the way to adulthood

[Dunybrook]

Teaching children critical thinking is probably one of the most important things you can do. Montessori itself is a philosophy that shouldn't be adhered to dogmatically, especially since not all aspects of it are scientifically proven, such as children not being able to distinguish between fantasy and reality before age 6.

I was very much into fantasy and science ficiton and even horror from a young age but somehow never believed in things like Santa Claus which didn't hold up to scrutiny. It was always a little awkward dealing with other children my age who did though. Conversely, I also preferred Sesame Street to Mister Rogers because the latter was very careful to always distinguish between fantasy and reality while the former allowed for more unimpeded flights of fancy. Each to their own.

[Kunabee]

What differentiates fantasy and religion?

I know a lot of kids who grew up terrified of God. I know a lot of kids who found shelter in fighting dragons.

Idk I think Montessori paints a TON of things with a far too large brush, and this "no fantasy" is one of them.

The concept of child led is perfect, but then Montessori goes and... insists on leading the child. Hm.

[Oceansongster]

This philosophy honestly makes me kind of sad. Fantasy aspects of play were some of the best parts of my childhood and strongly contributed to my love of reading. While I read a variety, fantasy is still by far my favorite genre. My kids are the same and my oldest creates all kinds of original creatures with his artwork (he’s 13 now).

[aimeecentaine]

My mum did a clever thing where she explained Christmas was a big game of pretend that we all (the world) play together. So we were all pretending that we believed that Santa was in the north pole and brought presents, and because we were all playing pretend there was no risk of us panicking about a stranger in the house or telling other kids that Santa was fake or struggling with reality and fantasy.

[eireannbullimore]

I feel 0-6 if far too large an age range for, well anything really. Early childhood is typically separated out almost year to year paediatricly. Children develop SO much year after year when they are that young. They can learn whole concepts so very quickly that I just can't see "No Fantasy until 6 years old" making sense in any capacity. There shouldn't be any hard rule about fantasy except ensuring they know difference between it and reality, and parents can direct that at whatever age they feel appropriate.

Other than thinking that age range is just way too large to be a singular developmental period in any sense I can't give any particular opinion on when and whether children should be introduced to fantasy. My real life was so horrific right from birth that fantasy was an absolute must in my life. But obviously that would make for a hideously biased opinion.

[GreenGiant]

I never believed fantasy was real, but it was still a very important part of my childhood!

[michaelnewton]

You live in Britain, Thomas the Tank engine is a thing at his age. I am sure he knows Locomotives don't talk. Nor do construction equipment like in Bob the builder. Kids are smarter than we think.

[Scipio]

I think this should not be the default, but rather tailored to your own kids needs. Do they have problems with fantasy? Did they show signs of distress or communicated it when fantasy things were brought up? If yes then yeet fantasy after ofc explaining that it's not real and etc., if not then no. On a different note maybe I'm just blind but I haven't seen any proper studies about those four planes of development and other mentioned things that the founder of Montessori claims to have observed.

[mosheontoast]

Im really torn about this because I can't really specifically disagree with any of the reasoning but fantasy meant SO much to me as a kid, even before 6, and I would be heartbroken if my kid grew up and expressed they wished they'd been allowed to experience that too. It sounds like its right for Rupert with how hes responding but I just can't get my head round it as a general principle?

[calliemyersbuchanan]

How do you teach them to be respectful to the fantasy and those who believe it themselves though? For example, when all his friends believe that santas real, or interacting appropriately with costumed characters at Disney (talking to them as if they are the character irl), or (and here's a BIG one) respecting people who believe in particular religious deities. Context for that last one, my husband and I are atheists but my dad is a devout evangelical christian who I know will want to tell my child about jesus and god as soon as they will listen...Im still unsure how to approach all of this.

[juliarose]

fascinating. I'm of mixed opinions on this, I don't think I like it, but interesting to learn a bit of this perspective.

[ArtichokeHunter]

it would be interesting to see how this interacts with religion. like... plenty of people have very different ideas about what can and cannot be real

but just telling kids about what fantasy is seems like, pretty obvious. "let's play pretend!" is a thing people say for a reason. i'm pretty sure a lot of parents do this without being montessori parents. like. you read kids children's books and you don't pretend that arthur is actually some sentient aardvark. you establish that fictional books are stories but not real

i think santa and religion are the only things i'm aware of where parents traditionally don't tell the kid that it's not real (and with religion, it's more complex how "reality" works). imagining knights based on learning about history doesn't seem different imo from imagining a dragon based on learning about folklore... both are not things that are current reality for the child, but they've learned how they fit into the world

and at the end of the day, "reality" doesn't only consist of physical, material things that exist. cultural stories, folklore, and art are important parts of our reality. historical beliefs, religions we don't believe in, theories about things we can never know, and wild imaginations are all part of our reality. of course, that doesn't mean kids need to be exposed to them immediately, but stories and myths have real meaning and impact on our lives and the lives around us. They just have a different type of reality to them than like. trees and plumbers and pavement. And that's why we can talk to kids and encourage imaginative thinking, while being attentive to that distinction.

[Jackie-clqe]

My mom had to exorcize the holy ghost from our home bc I've heard in religion class that he's always there & sees everything. I'm talking salt on the windowsills.
We've befriended the monster under the bed by offering litte snacks, like its a pet. We're also all neurodivergent.
Still don't know whether to laugh or cry about it

[angelanice]

I'm so glad you explained this while visiting a fantasy theme park to explain all the nuances. My main hobby revolves completely around fantasy (live action roleplay) and I love sharing it with my children ❤ My oldest has decided to use the Montessori teaching method when she has children so I've been paying attention to all of your videos about it and when you mentioned before that it doesn't include fantasy I was concerned. Seeing exactly how it's handled has me feeling much more comfortable with the idea 😊 So yes! Please keep the Montessori videos coming and I'd love to hear about grace and courtesy next 😁