Derealization - Bambi Baker (official video)

Wrote this song when I was 13 in foster care. Literally took foreverrrr to get something I’m satisfied with. It was such a simple idea in my mind but every time we tried to get one of my ideas it turned out impossible. I really wanted to try my best to get something that represented derealization & depersonalisation is some way instead of just what looks pretty, I wanted the outfit to represent feeling like a ghost, or like you’re completely blank and stripped of identity. The background seeming like it doesnt really match is supposed to represent feeling disconnected from your surroundings. It’s still only a lil homemade video by me and my mom, and a little help from my stepdad, but I hope you enjoyed it & thanks for watching 🤍

Also for those who are not aware, I have currently been focusing on music videos due to the fact i have silent reflux (or im debating if I might’ve been misdiagnosed atp) and I’m temporarily not able to sing and havent been able to since snow on my windowsill. But i will release new music as soon as i can sing again🫀

Lyrics:
Stood trying to remember what I look like in the mirror
What does real life really feel like?
I don’t remember what I’m supposed to feel

Am I dead?
Or am I in a dream?
Am I a ghost watching what my life would of been?

I can’t feel
Times not real
Life’s not real
I’m not real

Nothing is real, ohh, ohh
Nothing is real, ohh, ohh

(I don’t think I belong on this planet
This galaxy, this universe
I don’t think I belong at all)

What am I here for?
What is my purpose?
Or am I even here?
What can I trust?
I don’t know who really exists
I don’t remember who anybody is

Do I know them?
Can they see me?
Can they hear me?
Can they feel me?
Do they know me?
Do they know who I am?

I can’t feel
Times not real
Life’s not real
I’m not real

Nothing is real, ohh, ohh
I can’t feel, time’s not real
Life’s not real, no I’m not real

I’m lost
I don’t belong, no
I can’t do it, I don’t know who’s real I don’t know what’s real
Anymore, ha
(No more, no more)

[dylidyl]

I don’t have derealization, but there have been many times in my life when I have felt like this, like an outsider, dissociated from reality, from the world, from everyone, from myself. I felt apathetic yet in pain, frustrated and trapped yet careless and unbothered, observant yet blind… lovely video. The wicked, ethereal quality was depicted beautifully. 💜

[bambibaker]

Love and appreciate so many of your comments, thank you all so much I hope you all are well🥹🥹🫶

[NikkoI]

This is such an ethereal, melancholic piece, especially for a budget production, that I'm shocked it has only 250k views after 4 months.
This is art.

[jb.burnheart]

This is like a Tim Burton character coming to life. Ethereal, haunting, beautiful. 🖤🖤🖤

[Arrrrrrrrikived]

This song is SO TRUE. I love the detail of dressing all white like a ghost or angel. It truly does feel like I've been dead, and I have no clue for how long

[mudkips]

As someone who struggles with disorder, this video was cathartic. I haven't really related said disorder to any other music other than Radiohead's "How To Disappear Completely." Beautiful, but haunting song, this video matches perfectly.

[Emisnyan]

Me at 15 when I realised I have this would've been so happy knowing they're not alone in it. I'm 26 now and all I can say is for me, the numerous of traumatic event I've been through, the childhood and, well, not getting any help for it (which worsened it) are some causes. I know its hard... believe me. But please, know that you can get better... I've even heard of people who don't feel it anymore lol. But yeah love to you all, you are loved, worthy and most of all youre HERE. ❤❤❤❤❤❤

[KUKAKYOTOTOKYO]

I can tell the writer understands intimately. Listening struck me with this intense feeling of not being alone with this, and there's someone else who really understands. I understand the theory on why and how it happens, but it still catches me off guard. Still comes and goes after 20 years ago when I first started having it.

[trivari]

oh i absolutely adore this. the visuals perfectly capture the experience of derealisation - the contrast between your pure white image and the darkness of your surroundings create such a perfect visual representation of what it's like.

[DascorpFr]

oh my fucking god i thought id be the only one whod also have an artistic expression for my issues, i have DPDR (depersonalization derealization disorder) and the notion that the disorder makes you feel out of place and vivid in everything you look at and do feels so fucking stressful and sad, you dont feel real enough to feel safe or feel sure that you are where you are physically. you want to feel YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND AND FEEL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS BUT YOU CANT. everything feels like a blur even if you dont want it to be. thank you for expressing it in your way. it means a lot.

[eileenscat]

This reminds me a lot of what it felt like growing up with undiagnosed autism, even if that’s not the theme of the song
I’m in love with the music and visuals alike, I only wish I’d come across your music sooner ♥️

[jex_spectro]

This just hits hard as stone, I suffer from schizophrenia and many are the times I feel nothing at all, no emotions, no colors, nothing feels really like living. This song describes my situation perfectly, to not be able to feel and being desperate to find yourself being conscious of the life you are living and that you are breathing air just like the rest of the people.
Your music is now one of my favorites, love the way you play synths and even more your skills at singing.
Love from Mexico, never give up, I'm pretty sure you'll get far with all of your dreams. 🖤🥀⛓

[sleeplessangelz]

1:09 really close to what it feels like in real life. She is so talented, the voice the visuals everything just perfect!

[LezardValeth-nngl]

This video fits the time some one threatened to kill me as a child. because i was talking to much? the feeling of dissonance within the piano chords really hits the "I'm disassociating: reality is fucked".

[Lunniezz]

I want this video tattooed on my body for absolute eternity. This is pure perfection! It makes me hurt it makes me happy! Even quite nostalgic- I thank you Bambi Baker for making this masterpiece. <3

[adoringcatfish]

Finding something that represents dpdr so accurately is rare. I relate to both the visuals and the music here so much. Thank you for making it.

I find that over time my struggles have gotten less. Both in terms of the actual symptoms, and my rationalizations of it. Over a decade in at 23, dpdr is still something I deal with daily but the full blackouts I used to get are completely gone, and the glass between me and the world appears less often and is less thick. It gets better. Part of what made it get better on the rationalization side is realizing that other people struggled with it it too, making art like this is so important for that.

[VAVORiAL]

Beat has a Silent Hill feeling to it, whole thing feels dreamy af, love it

[deflawed]

the visuals are so beautiful and dreamy i love it and the song is actually so good, i rarely like any new music i find so thank u for making this masterpiece 😭

[njux]

!!! This is fuxking phenomenal. I'm a goth who's deeply into music of any genre that's about darkness though and this just hits every note for me. Didn't know I needed a dissociation song in my life but retrospectively it's pretty obvious lol. amazing. Could be nine minutes long honestly, Dead Can Dance style. But do what you feel it's right obviously, I will root for you. <3

[imperialchalice]

Oh man…this takes me back to my Japanese goth music phase. Hauntingly beautiful, and absolutely relatable.