How To Show Them You've Changed & Save Your Marriage

One of the most common questions that we get at Marriage Helper are from spouses who are asking, "What can I do to show my spouse that I have changed and how can I get them to come back?"

Learn more about our Save My Marriage Course:

People are asking us this question because we're so desperately wanting to do something to change where the marriage is headed, stop it in its tracks, and bring that spouse back. But there are so many things that go into this that it's not just a simple pill, a quick sentence, or a quick solution. It actually takes you first understanding some of the things that have perhaps pushed your spouse away, and then beginning to change your behavior over a period of time for that to happen.

So, Dr. Beam, how are we supposed to go about understanding how to bring our spouses back and show them that we have changed?

I wish we had a very short, simple answer to that with some magic words, and then you could go do the incantation and all of a sudden it works, but it's not that way. Kimberly Holmes is our CEO here at Marriage Helper. As we talk about this, understand that typically marriage difficulties didn't occur overnight. It took a while for those things to develop. Now, can they happen that rapidly? Yes, occasionally they can. But the questions we'll be dealing with today with the callers that have called in, are not situations that occurred instantaneously. Actually, those are very, very rare, but things that happened over a period of time. And that's what Kimberly just said. So, remember these two things as we go through this. If you want to resolve a marriage issue, two words that you must remember and almost use as an incantation, if you will, would be consistency and time. Kimberly, we talk a lot in our workshop for example, and we won't try to replicate all of that here about Sternberg's triangulation of love. Sternberg is a great researcher. Researches in three or four major areas one of which is, "what is love?". Without having time to explain all of that, basically Dr. Sternberg says that love has three basic components. One is called intimacy. One is called passion, and one is called commitment. Let me define those very quickly then we're going to talk about them. Intimacy has to do with, "into-me-see". In other words, I can be open, transparent, and vulnerable to you, and you can also be those same things to me. We build trust based on that. We open ourselves up to each other based on that. I feel accepted by you as I am not as you wish me to be. The same thing's happening the other way around, it's reciprocal between the two of us. Passion has to do with sex, of course, but it's a lot more than that. Sternberg defines it as being a craving for oneness. It's what I feel at any given moment. The more intentionally I feel, the more passionate I think that I have, or feel that I have. The third one commitment has to do with either something you evolve into like one day you realize, "wait a minute, we've developed a relationship where I really want to be here," or it could be an actual decision that you make, "I've decided I want to commit to being with you." While one says, "commitment can be made one time, and then you live it the rest of your life." In another sense, it really is made on a daily basis because of the fact that life can change. Now, Kimberly, we do a great deal on spending a lot of our time in our workshops explaining that more than we can do here.

VIDEO CHAPTERS

0:00 Your Spouse Doesn't Think You've Changed
1:34 How To Show Your Spouse You've Changed
11:53 What If Positive Changes Aren't Enough For My Spouse?
26:14 How Do I Convince My Spouse I'm A Better Person Now?
38:04 What If My Wife Lost Trust In Me After Years Of Unmet Promises?
45:55 How Do I Show My Spouse I Won't Be Controlling Anymore?
54:17 Key Takeaways From This Episode
57:44 Valuable Tool In Helping People Change For The Better

Get our FREE Mini Course "How To Get Your Spouse Back"

Learn more about our Marriage Saving Workshops:

Thank you for watching! Be sure to like, subscribe, share and also turn on the notifications by clicking the bell! We hope you find our videos helpful.

Call:
1 (866) 903 - 0990

Visit:

Facebook:

Instagram:
@MarriageHelper

Itunes:

[markcooper]

My wife and I have only been separated for a week now, but with the information you have provided me with just these videos alone has given me hope! I feel like even if we don't end up overcoming all of our issues, I know for a FACT that I will be coming out of this hardship a better person! Thank you so much!

[sgstimo]

Hearing her explain the little t trauma and the big t trauma is exactly where I got stuck in the grief of the death of my 7-year-old son's death. I have been able to heal but it took many many years of self-reflection and a great deal of anger and sorrow.

[AustinKloud]

Oh my God - why couldn’t I have found this 10 months ago…. I have pushed my wife away from why made us love each other when we first got married. I’m such a foolish fool- only now in my demise do I see how wrong I have been. I’m sorry Noelle - I love you and want to fix me and our marriage

[richardlebreton]

Wife's career took off to the point that she makes *A LOT* more than I do (Or probably ever will). Family suddenly shifted from "doesn't matter who makes what no-one will "just work" when it comes to chores/child care" to "if I don't do it it doesn't get done" even when I ask her to help. A few years ago when she had a few too many she confessed that since she makes so much more money and I do all the "Woman's work" she doesn't see me as a man anymore and no longer loves me or find me attractive. She doesn't want a divorce and if I try for one she'll make it so that I'll never see my kids again.

[michellejonelunas]

My husband came home Saturday before last for only 17 mins for the entire day. It was my 40th birthday. He blindsided me and my 13 year old son. We were truly clueless. It's been awful. He continually convinces himself and tries to convince me that this is best- that we grew apart and are different people. I guess he was really good at hiding it because we just had incredible dates over the past few months. He'd already told our 17 year old daughter, his sister (whom we haven't seen in 10 years and he rarely talks to who happened to come into town on my birthday), his brother in law, his mom and father that he hasn't spoken to in a couple of years. I was devastated. ... I have no idea what to do or where to go. He'd convinced me to be a stay at home mom 17 years ago when he chose to be a truck driver. He's now a contractor, but we've created our lives around me being home for the kids. I share a vehicle with our oldest daughter, so I often don't have the means to get out if she has it for work and classes. I'm already in therapy and everything I start to feel better, he crushes me again.

[amybostic]

Trust me-the hurt has created a wall for my husband and he fails to be willing to give me the space/grace to be different without assuming he knows how I will behave or react. This has been the hardest time of my life. The irony is he’s the optimistic one and here I’m the pessimistic one-yet I’ve worked through my hurt and not held any resentment and he can’t work through his emotions and let it go.

[biersmorgen]

There is always hope with time space and genuine change

[davidshipp]

Confirmation bias is awful. Consistency and time. Standing for my marriage. Warm, friendly, and kind but stay cool and relaxed. I’ve got to rebuild the friendship. Thank you for a track to run on and for HOPE!

[Kevin-qlqw]

Thank God I found this video. Exactly what I need right now...

[mountfun]

I am in the same situation as that caller from Australia! Thank you for sharing this.

[moyaking]

This year my husband and I will have been married for 44 years. Im 63 and he's 78. Since 2015 he has had a on off relationship with a woman who is 10 years older than me. We've tried getting back together 3 times moving house each time. This last time was the 1st of December 2020. About one week ago I found out that they'd be in contact with each other again. This is the final straw as far as I'm concerned, I'm done with his lies and deing deceitful. I will now concentrate on me and my happiness, doing the things that I love.

[Hamann]

I love your honesty. I mean by not promising unpromisable things. People aren't machines which always do the same thin, whereas, the controls on a machines always do the same thing.

[tamarajones]

This was very helpful. My husband left sort of abruptly. I wish I had found this month ago. Even if this does not bring my husband back it will help me to become a better person.

[jeffslater]

I enjoyed the presentation of information. Helpful in multiple ways. As I begin my journey to remake myself and by proxy, marriage. I am encouraged thru your talks. The edu. You folks provide is valuable. Ty.

[bondservantx]

Wow, I've been through the exact position of the callers! The take aways are huge ! Although our kids(hers and mine), are on thier own, there is the empty nest syndrome, which I believe led to our seperation. There has been a son lost during our marriage, and has contributed to our issues. We)she has not had time to grieve which she has states, and completely shuts down trying to process.
She & I have been abused as a children, neither of us has had any counseling to confront our issues. It's only obviously now, to seek couples counseling! Thank you for your videos, I've been following for 7 months since our seperation! I greatly appreciated your work! God Bless you both and your team, and family!

[shaec]

Also, it's important to know what your partner's love language is: so you CAN communicate the real changes you made... In those bite size, patient, tiny bits are a time.
I find the advice they give here gold, combined with Mel Robbins advise on overcoming (situational) anxiety and speaking your partner's language.

[MrWilliamx]

thank you for all your videos,
marriage lows are the ones the show who we are.

[jeancharles]

It is unfortunate that we bring ourselves to mistreat ourselves by the mistakes we made...I am happy for this information...

[tdilly]

Thank you very much for the wisdom from above. Praise the Lord

[WayneTheWolf]

Kim and Dr. Beam have a true passion for what they do. This has helped me so much personally to understand myself and what I ca do to be better. I have hope. Thank you