True or False: You Can't Love Someone Until You Learn to Love Yourself

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Self-love is something non-traumatized people see as missing (sometimes) in those of us with CPTSD. When we're hurt, we're advised to learn to love ourselves... but HOW? There were times when I didn’t particularly love myself – and here and there when I was younger, times when I hated myself. But there was never a time when I didn’t love other people very deeply. So why do people say this -- that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself?
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[dominiquedevereux]

I am SO GLAD someone finally said this 🙄🙏🏾!! People say this all the time & I'm like, simply telling myself to love myself when I'm feeling totally unloved by God & every other human on Earth always felt so disingenuous. Just like "something from nothing leaves nothing, " trying to pull love from an absence of love leaves you loveless. Like you said, if loving oneself was as simple as willing the feeling into existence, there wouldn't be the need for everyone to tell everyone else to do it --- it would be a problem or needed to be said. And if you're feeling unloved by everyone else, that's the main reason you (well I do) to thinking it must be true that I'm unlovable cuz if all these people I want 2 love 💕 me don't love me & I'M the only common denominator in all of my relationships, then there must be an intrinsic reason within me that makes me unlovable. I'm not saying self-love isn't true, but when you have no blueprint for it, it definitely takes more than willing it into being. It's the same unhelpful advice of "Just think positive, " or "Be thankful; some people have it worse than you" that people like to give severely depressed or suicidal people.

[devlynne]

“For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that 'unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.'…The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved & are loved." ~Bruce D. Perry MD PhD

[zaidagrace]

Nothing is more hurtful than telling someone, “You can’t love someone or find love until you love yourself.” It is cruel. How can you possibly give yourself something you have no concept of? I was a painfully and chronically lonely person who was so desperate for connection I would repeatedly enter abusive “situationships” because of childhood PTSD. This phrase always reinforced my sense of hopelessness.

[XenIsWhen]

I always thought that the phrase meant that starting a relationship is riskier if you don't love yourself enough to have the right boundaries.

[caspianh.]

My first therapist planted the seed of self-acceptance for me by using my strong sense of compassion and love for other people. "Would any other person deserve to be spoken to and treated the way you're speaking to and treating yourself? Are all people deserving of compassion and understanding? Okay, so are you the one exception among all human beings?"

It really stopped the spiral of self-loathing I was in and gave me permission to treat myself well, even if I could only access self-love as an extension of compassion for humankind. Still working on consistently feeling love for myself in an embodied way.

[epicmage]

I just started dating. I've listened to the whole you can't love others until you love yourself thing. I could never see any good traits in myself. So, I've been alone and miserable my whole life. Since I've put myself out there, people have shown me that I have worth. I have good qualities. I believe that has done wonders to bring me out of my depression, and getting me outside of my co.fort zone. Which that zone is just hiding away alone. I might get hurt, but I feel like I'm doing more than existing now.

[sherryf]

We do love ourselves deep down. That is why we are so hurt and angry when people treat us poorly because we know deep down that we deserve better. If I had a friend that didn't love themselves I would still love them. Actually heard someone saying that to somebody at the beach on Sunday about having to love yourself and I wanted to smack her!😂

[rosannatarsiero]

There is SO much defensiveness in that “I need to love myself first”, so much need for control, so much rejection of magic and life as it unfolds, so much search for perfection! You hear all those new age tapes about wholeness and that fuels your ego into thinking you can give yourself the love others can’t give you - simply because you can’t love yourself unless you delude yourself into thinking you got superpowers. Sad.

[grahamchapman]

As an elderly male who has been dealing with CTPSD most of my life without really acknowledging it, this channel is a God send to me. We cannot change the past as much as we would like to at times, but we can move forward and grow from it from a position of love.

[lavender]

I remember telling my therapist that there was no one in this world who loved me. Not in an oh-poor-me attitude but just assessing the reality of my life. Her immediate response was "because it starts with you, you have to love yourself first." I got angry, I didn't say anything but I thought, well show me where the I-love-myself switch is and I will definitely flip it on.

[rapunzelmane]

It's probably more like: 'You shouldn't attempt to love someone until you love yourself, otherwise, you'll be too vulnerable to abuse from that loved one'. But, most people who love themselves only do so because they have been loved in childhood.

[jenniferwarhawk]

I have ALWAYS hated this little cliche and felt like it was garbage. Thank you for reinforcing what I always felt to be true.

[remissao]

Even if we don't really like ourselves we can be compassionate with ourselves. That means accepting our pain and imperfection, giving ourselves some kindness and working the root cause of our pain. To me, that's the meaning of self-love.

[islandia]

A few things that have helped me to move toward self-love in non-linear, trial-and-error ways are:

1. Noticing that I was speaking to myself like an enemy and trying to change that internal monologue into the encouragement I would give to a friend in order to propel them forward as opposed to keeping them trapped in shame.

2. Learning boundaries in a messy, hit-and-miss way over the course of seven years, and understanding that many people will take advantage and drain you dry unless YOU protect yourself and reroute the precious qualities you bring to the table back into your own cup.

3. Recognizing that there are certain things that are not my fault and certain things that ARE my responsibility, and taking the time to slowly and equally sort out which is which to avoid endlessly see-sawing back and forth between blameshifting and self-blame.

4. Understanding that being a human is a messy experience, we all make mistakes, and giving ourselves the time and grace to learn and heal is an essential part of self-love.

Good luck to all and thank you for your courage in desiring to walk this path so that we can work toward being better to ourselves and each other.

[debiforeman]

To me it seems when we do basic stuff like get good sleep, decent food, and not beating ourselves up over every single miss step, it can help with the start of a foundation for healing, it is hard to heal from mental and emotional exhaustion

[bernadette]

False. Even as a kid I recognized that my parents did not give a hoot about any of us, but I still remember knowing that we still loved them. Biggest error is not having role models of what love even is, and after a while, not being sure that "love" is even something worth having.

[pythonjava]

I've been very jaded about the whole "self love" concept for a while. People treat love as a feeling and I can't force myself to feel better about me when I just don't. I can't force myself to treat my body and mind better when I feel extremely depressed.
But in spite of this, I've never had a problem building rich friendships where I have no problem loving the other person deeply

[paleobc]

I hate the “you can’t love anyone unless you love yourself” as much as “only think about the good memories forget about the bad ones”

[toriahennesey]

May I please say thank you to Crappy Childhood Fairy and the resultant community - I have rarely felt seen and heard before I came across these videos and the folk who comment on them - thank you. It's not that I felt lonely or alone, just 'adjacent' to life in general. Thank you.

[keepmoving]

"Pain, humility, and then effort." What a great description of the cycle of healing!! "And then out of no where you get a burst of healing"....I think that way about every one of your videos