Do I still have to Validate WRONG Feelings?

Validation and empathy are essential to Relational success, but what if my partner's feelings are based on an assumption that's not true, do I still need to validate them? Wouldn't I be incriminating myself if I did?

[lblincoe]

The thing with relationships and validation is that there isn't any hard and fast rule that can be universally applied. In a normal, healthy relationship I think, yeah, you should always strive to make your partner feel that their feelings are valid and you understand what they're feeling. However, it'd be remiss to deny that a very large percentage of relationships are abusive and dangerous for one half of the relationship. Validating psychological projection is enabling abuse. Holding space for someone's feelings when their feelings in themselves are abusive is perpetuating the abuse and making the abuser feel justified in their abuse. It seems simple to just say well hey, just don't validate feelings when someone is projecting onto you, but oftentimes the victim doesn't realize they're even using projection. Which is why I think these "one size fits all" rules for engagement just don't really work.

[Mom_Luvs_Tech]

You all are playing with fire in this one. Abusers OFTEN let painful stories lead their emotions and actions. If someone is making false accusations on the regular that person is unsafe.
Plus, this all sound exhausting. People need to be able to express their feelings without accusations or projection.
Validating feelings is one thing……….if they’re expressed. But validating painful stories is another.

[Missy-xq]

"Soothing those wirings and firings that are happening" is healing.

[turbogirl]

I wish it was easier to care more about one anothers feelings than being right about so many things that really aren't that big of a deal in the big scheme of things.

[lauralofy]

You just showed how to validate someone's feelings based on incorrect assumptions when you posed the question! You said, something to the effect of "I understand the logic....If someone's core belief is incorrect, then I can understand how someone would say that whatever they are feeling based on that is incorrect." You validated the person who was challenging validation! Well done! The formula "If you believe, think, then, it makes sense that you This is a great video since this is the main challenge I get when teaching people to validate.

[MimiLepardo]

I realized that someone else’s stress which I try to “fix “ although it appears I’m helping them, I’m actually helping myself on a deeper level because I’m actually stressed when they are stressed so it’s not the right motive it’s a stress response. Also listening verses fixing, they didn’t ask for us to fix it . They may just need someone to listen ..

[kristensandoz]

This one is soooo good! We've been trying to grasp this validation concept since we started therapy 10 yrs ago. My husband has recently become a Frank. He's listening to your stuff & trying to grasp new concepts & change. One of his biggest & sincere confusions is around validation when he feels I'm coming from an assumption that is wrong. We also get caught up when I get hyper aroused & at my whits end. While I am learning the importance of taking time to calm down & come to him with a soft start up these moments of emotional disregulation come from years of not being validate & not feeling like I can share honestly without being dismissed. So it was helpful to hear that both of us have work to do here. "Try to understand their feelings not their reasoning". Yes! So good. We get hung up here a lot. Also, I've literally been hoping to ask what is the difference between a true narcissistic & just an emotionally immature person? And you addressed that a bit with empathy. "Shame" as a reason for invalidating is big & I find it's hard to move past simply because it's such a deep paralyzing wound. It takes our brains offline & moves us into our survival brain so quickly & solidly that it's hard to even recognize it in ourselves or even our partners. Also, good to hear that soft openings can still trigger shame. This doesn't mean our soft opening wasn't good enough. Seriously, this is such good & needed stuff. KEEP IT UP!

[jnlvandriel]

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I will be listening to this over and over and over. So many good sound bites from this recording. It will take me time to digest it all.

[paigeu]

I understand where Frank is coming from because I experience this same sentiment about 2 specific issues. 1. When he feels very strongly that I am not totally faithful to him and he feels betrayed. I am totally faithful and if I validate his feeling betrayed it feels like I am admitting guilt. Issue 2. He has unreasonable expectations of me or my teenage children. He was raised in a highly authoritative home where the mother and father were like infallible king and queen of their domestic empire. Any questioning of their decisions would result in metaphorical beheadings. It feels like I am validating a dehumanizing and quasi-abusive expectation when I say “I validate the anger you feel over person X making a weird face or using a not-super-friendly tone when they spoke to you.” then I am saying that he has every right to require that people he lives with subordinate their authenticity and wellbeing to his expectations for the sake of his wellbeing.

This is the impossible situation that seems to arise on a weekly basis. To some degree this falls in the moral judgement category because there does exist responsibilities that have a moral standard.

I worry that this is an impossible chasm .to bridge.

[keithstevens]

42:50 This segment about raising the bar really hit home! It’s been a repeated pattern in my marriage, and I have genuinely felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I haven’t said it in a while, but I still feel that way quite a bit. I see now how it completely invalidates her feelings.

[ResaleKingz]

I can't tell you how this video just saved my ass from almost believing that I must be so rejection sensitivite that I'm really mental and didn't know it this whole time. I re-entered into a past 4 year disfunctional relationship with hopes of loving her right this time. My partner just cannot talk through my feelings whether valid or not. I know that I'm insecure -ish and have some rejection sensitivity, I jump to conclusions sometimes but I've done a lot of work on this stuff. I cannot knock this desire to communicate these very real feelings I get when I'm not feeling any closeness from her. Not knowing what's going on in her life and what she thinks? She literally doesn't talk about anything important with me. It's literally impossible to go back and forth if there's any difference of opinion /perspective. I just want her to care enough about my well being when I have strong nagging feelings that I need to communicate. She gets defensive and says she has to walk on eggshells around me because I'm always thinking something. She believes I criticize her behavior. She says she's just who she is and I have my mind made up about her... I'm not doing anything to you. Just hearing that it's okay to talk about weird insecure feelings sometimes. All I need is to talk about it and it would go away or be resolved. If she was open to trying to understand me and told me about herself as it relates to my perspective. It's the fact that we can never talk about it. She was raised first generation American parents from Laos. Feelings weren't really a thing and so she's a separate entity completely. It doesn't feel like there's any us in communication unless we're humping. Thank you ✋

[innergreatness]

I can listen to you guys for hours. Great content, much needed in the world. Much of your content can be applied to all relationships as in friendships and family as well. I just love how vulnerable and honest you are when sharing your personal mistakes in your relationships. It is so helpful to hear that and helps people connect to your message. Since I've been listening to you guys, I feel.more confident in speaking up when I feel like my feelings are being minimized. It's made me realize that my feelings are valid and do matter. So thank you so much❤

[PaulaWilson-xh]

Narcissists pick fights and put words in your mouth. We learn to just ignore that crap. They don't want to hear anything from us.

[prmodeling]

Here's the thing: feelings, emotions, can be irrational, illogical, come from all kinds of left field places guided by perception, mood, physical ailments, and even if someone hasn't eaten today.

That's why, as I've told my kids growing up, "You must learn to control your emotions, or they will control you. And almost never, should you let emotions guide your actions. Only logic and reason should be your guide for life."

And it's because of that, that this whole "all feelings are valid" B.S. is patently false.

And I'm here to tell you, once you master your emotions, and you learn to really separate yourself from them, and you begin to really truly think clearly, life becomes so much easier.

[brightpage]

No such thing as a "wrong feeling".
If the conclusion they've come to that makes them feel that way is in error, we can say, "oh, I understand how you could feel that way, especially if you didn't have all the information..." Or whatever.

[jeannemason]

So sorry to disagree...my ex husband used to apologize for having to disapline me. If the dishes were done "wrong" or any little thing. This included trashing in bed for up to 2 hours, causing me serious back pain and emotional agony. THERE R WRONG EMOTIONS WHEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. I love your work and will stay, just be careful about no wrong emotions, wanting to hurt your partner is a WRONG emoition. Love and blessings to all!

[ZFabia]

I relate to the "man" points of view, and im a woman

[lifetimeactor]

This was so helpful. I struggle to find the words & phrases to express my thoughts and feelings. I know it sounds manipulative to ask for some good lines to use, but I really DO care about my partner's feelings and our relationship, so I don't think it is. My asperger's interfere's with accessing effective ways of conveying what I'm trying to express, so thanks guys!

[WhoInspects]

Why does the 2nd person have to be the one more interested in maintaining connection and relationship. For someone to feel like they have to 'defend' themselves means they are being attacked. Why aren't we talking about the 'attacker' being so interested in connection and relationship that their approach is to be curious and asking questions rather than leading with an attack. To resist reacting defensively means that something has already gone wrong.

[ZFabia]

How about the person regulates them selves???