What is Dry Begging?

Dry Begging is a subtle form of manipulation and coercion sometimes employed by narcissistic people to get them what they want, while making it seem like it’s your idea.

Rather than just making a request it works by exploiting social cues and emotional signals. It usually involves dropping hints or making emotional demonstrations aimed at creating a sense of obligation in others. Narcissists try to create a situation where the other person feels compelled to offer assistance or resources.

This video outlines the motivations behind dry begging,, gives examples and some ways to handle it.

If you find this video interesting please consider supporting me on either Patreon or Substack

#drybegging #coercivecontrol #narcissism

[marievastine]

Best quote I’ve heard in a long time…… Givers need to have limits, because takers don’t have any.

[_LuxStein]

My favorite response to dry begging is "I hate to hear that", because it has two meanings and I mean both of them

[peppermintpammy]

My husband will always ask, "Do we have...?", as a way to get me to retrieve anything. I think it was a way to avoid having to 'lower' himself to being thankful. He once asked, "Do we have any water?"while standing in front of the sink! For my first time (took me almost 15 years to realize this ploy), I responded with a "No, we are fresh out, so you need to go down to the lake with a bucket"!😂

[karenabrams]

I remember learning a really good response to “dry begging” or sob story dumping. It is “sounds terrible, what are you going to do about that?”

[laurataggart]

I never realized my empathy was used against me. I’m getting better at seeing it.

[LouisaWatt]

“I never asked you to do that” is something I heard a million times. These days I offer nothing unless asked directly

[kellyl]

I made friends with someone like this at church. The very first time we met her and her children was at a picnic at a church member's house.
So this lady had just moved from California to Florida. She went on and on about how they didnt have money to bring all their furniture. Their new living room was empty, bla bla bla. They needed this and that. She never -asked- for anything, but many good-hearted christians heard her and responded generously filling her home with furniture. I gave her children my desktop computer when I bought a new one. They moved into a beautiful neighborhood into a 4 bedroom 3 bath home with a screened in built in pool with a lovely view on a pond. Yet she always POOR-MOUTHED. "We are too poor for this or too poor for that." They went out to eat often. They bought things. My husband said its like she is fishing and her comments are BAIT to see whom she can HOOK. So one day her little girl was complaining about how poor they were. I said, "You live in a beautiful big house with your own bathroom and your own bedroom. You have a built in swimming pool. Your neighborhood has curbs and sidewalks with lovely entrances. So even by the living standards in the United States, many people would consider you as RICH." The little girl looked shocked!

So this lady, my friend (supposedly), told me that a wealthy new lady at church owns a second home up in New York. She sort of whispered to me, "I think she is going to GIVE me that house!" I wondered how in the world a person would just offer her a house. Who just gives away a house to someone they just met??! How much poor-mouthing had she been doing to this new lady?

In the end, after being her friend for about four years she dumped me. I called her one time crying about a health scare and ask for her prayers. She brushed me off like a bug and couldn't have cared less. She hung up quickly. When they went on a ONE YEAR VACATION they travelled to different little churches and her husband would speak. She told me they collected THOUSANDS of dollars from these little churches. I wonder what sob story they had to illicit such monetary gifts?! These churches were small, humble, pentacostal groups... Not rich churches. Yet they raked in the dough $$$. Who can quit their job and afford to go on a one year vacation with your wife that does not work and three children? Now I realize that she is a skilled SOCIOPATH.

[Moon_stak]

Dry begging isn’t just a narcissism thing. Scapegoats can do this too. It generally comes from a place of feeling like they’re going to be torn to shreds for asking, put down, belittled, or made to suffer in one way or another. Same thing but for the total opposite reason.
I truly think it’s important to acknowledge that. The scapegoats who do this don’t need to be seen or treated as a narcissist, they need to be gently shown they are safe to ask, and maybe how to actually do it.
You’ll know which is which by their reaction when you either ignore their begging or call it out. Narcs generally get mad, scapegoats tend to feel mortified/embarrassed.

EDIT: A lovely commenter pointed out to me that he did, in fact state that it isn’t only a narcissism thing. I’m going to leave this comment here for those who missed it like I did lol. He did say at the very start that it isn’t only a narcissistic trait but he was going to talk about it in regard to narcissism, though. So yeah… sorry about that.

[elietheprof]

Also keep in mind that not all venting is dry begging. Sometimes people just need to vocalize their struggles to get through them.

[kelkabot]

My parents both had a wonderful saying when people tried this: "Things are tough all over! Yep, yep. Well, good luck." And then my dad would sometimes launch into all the help HE needed, until they got so bored they gave up. I learned a lot of good stuff from that guy.

[robynmarler]

This is the main reason why I don't like telling people my problems, in case they think I'm asking for help. I was the youngest in a toxic family.

[howardbeale]

Observe don't absorb. Brilliant. Thank you.

[fredericshc]

Having a strong principle of non intervention in the lives of others has saved me a lot.

[lydialutz]

"once you see it, you can't unsee it" Thanks for helping us see this!

[rosemarie]

"Are you asking me to help you with that?" Would be an AMAZING way to get them to own up to what they are trying to finagle out of you. Staying on topic and forcing them to verbalize it without jumping in to help. God, I wish I had had this tool in my tool bag from early on in my life.

[hugh]

I hear the avoidance of gratitude for others as a key indicator of manipulation.

[valeriemoore]

Social media is a perfect vehicle for dry begging. I have seen so many people do this, but I didn't know it had a name.

[sashabell]

I heard the term once “poor mouthing” aka sly begging…and instantly understood dry begging.

[Learnandgrow-no]

My mother (I was her sole carer, till she died) was, now I believe a narcissist and could be very difficult to deal with at times. One example was when she looked out of the window at our hedge, burst into tears and said : Oh! look at the hedge! It is has not been cut! People will think nobody lives here anymore! *Sob* *Sob* *Sob*. Needless to say, I went out to cut it as she then settled down with a cuppa and watched the tv. She has gone now, and, sadly, I cannot say I miss her. Caring for her for all those years was a huge burden and those who have done similar with a very difficult person will know exactly what I mean

[loriloo]

I’ve always called this “weaponized helplessness.” 6:19