Progressive Christmas Carols

LYRICS

0:00 God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
We wish you happy holidays, whoever you may be
So merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, or heck all three
We've modernized these jingles for the massive bourgeoisie
Love, The Updated Christmas Carol Team

0:22 Progressive Santa
You better not judge, you better not hate
Better not bully or discriminate
Progressive Santa's coming to town
He's making a list of gluten free foods
He won't take a peek at J-Law's nudes
Progressive Santa's coming to town
He's 50 different races
And all for tax reform
He'll protect all your children
Well, as long as they've been born

0:59 Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer (reindeer)
Had an advantageous nose (he outlived his friends)
He passed his bright red traits on (traits on)
Darwin said that's how it goes (evolution's not a theory)

1:10 Mary Did You Know
Mary did you know that your baby boy supports the NRA
Mary did you know that your baby boy is white

1:29 Deck the Halls
Deck the halls with kujichagulia
Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza
Give zawadi, hang benderas
Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza
Throw your hands up in the air-uh
Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza

1:42 Grinch
You’re a green one, Mr. Grinch
You're lacking in finesse
That greenish epidermis determines your success
Mr. Grinch
Racist Whos constrain you to the issues they continue to suppress
You’re an outlier, Mr. Grinch
You give the Whos a fright
They say your heart is 3/5ths normal,
You're either wrong or white
Mr. Grinch
Don't walk the streets of Whoville you might fight a cop the Whos will not indict

2:26 White Christmas
I'm dreaming of a racially ambiguous holiday

2:33 Away In A Manger
Away in a manger with Jesus and crew
His schmeckle got cut cause hey Christ was a Jew

2:42 O Holy Night
O holy night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night Jesus did something holy
Joseph watched golf, his leather chair reclining
As Mary birthed a child, I think a donkey was involved
Three wise men came, with GPS they found him
Christ lied in a barn, as his omniscient baby-daddy looked down
Jesus crawled on his knees
His mom shared it on snapchat
O bright device!
O night, when Christ celebrated Christmas

[itsiceYT]

*turns november*

youtube: yes it’s time

[courteneyskye]

“Mary did you know that your baby boy is white” kills me

[mipha]

Y'know, coming back to this song 5 years later, it makes so much more sense now that I'm not ten...

[AntHyacinth]

Everyone is really out here coming back to this video every year because when you listen to actual christmas music his versions get stuck in your head.

[kapp]

Hey look there is a Jon representing every octave of his range

[patalootion]

one day were gonna find out that he is actually 4 people, and he has been hiding it all this time.

[danidavis]

He just wanted to wear all his Christmas sweaters in one video.

[leg]

The fact that this was posted 4 years ago and these topics are still relevant both amazes and disturbes me

[breannahosman]

*Wakes up on December 1st*

"IT'S TIME."

[sonnic]

*I work in a Christian primary school, they started singing O Holy Night and I had to sit there trying not to think about this* 😂

[Angelinaislife]

“He’ll protect all your children. Well as long as they’ve been born” sent me flying to the moon every December

[timemac]

Holy fuck I dont think any of you understood this video. John isn't making fun of Christianity, or any other religion he's making fun of how society and corporations have shaped these holidays to fit what they want it to be.

Dont insult his intelligence, this is a very self aware satire.

[isabelg.]

It's gotten to the point where I don't know the lyrics to some of these actual songs but know his lyrics

[ifbpeanut]

The best part of all this is that the right can't tell if it's satire, and the left can't tell if it's serious. Isn't it nice to be able to make fun of everybody, including yourself?

[bulgna]

"He'll protect all your children"
"Well as long as they've been born. You better watch out... Too far? Ok"

I'm still crying

[ClareGPhotos]

I love his harmonies with himself, omg so good!

[boomingbob]

The fact that this is 7 years old and is more real saddens me it makes me sad how accurate this is with time

[genevieve]

Jon has the widest fucking vocal range like wtf

[lizatonix]

Still one of the greatest videos on youtube and I'm so happy it's officially the time of year where I can listen to this on repeat without the shame of listening to holiday music before Thanksgiving.

[JamesNewham]

Oh my god, the title got changed. Happy ten year anniversary, video that is somehow STILL perfectly relevant.