Things I Question As An Autistic Person

Really hoping I'm not the only one that questions this stuff ngl :')

[syntaera]

"I don't get why you would particularly want kids". I'm a late-diagnosed autistic parent of two autistic kids. I wanted kids for mostly two reasons. One, it was the neurotypical mask-y thing to do, and I'd managed everything else in societally-approved order also (partner, engagement, house, marriage...). Two, I wanted to be able to pass on my love for my special interests to someone. Neither of those were really good reasons in retrospect.
So we had our kids, and let me tell you, the first five years with each of them were HARD. Everything that neurotypicals seem to adjust to easily was just a DAILY slog for us. The disruption in routine, the interruptions, the noise, the lack of adult conversation causing loneliness, the communication issues, everything. It was HELL. The kids are a little older now, and it's settling down, but I feel certain having kids has shortened my life. My anxiety levels have been so high that between constant on-call work and childcare, the sleep disruptions, the back seat it made me give my health, and everything, I had a stroke.
I love my children, and having their care and love in return now that they're growing and able to communicate that to me is amazing. But I will ALWAYS respect those who choose not to have kids. I can't go back in time, and if I lost my kids I would be destroyed, so I refuse to re-examine my decision to have kids through the lens of the present - but it's a tough, tough road, and if someone questioning parenthood has a choice to be involved in relatives' kids lives instead, I can only suggest that much thought should be applied.
Kids are INCREDIBLY disruptive to the life you have today, they disrupt everything about your life. It has been a journey of pain and heartache for me, albeit one that is only now starting to feel worthwhile, over a decade later. And that's all I have to say about that.

[simonedutch]

Best line ever…. “I’m not saying knock a mountain down so it’s easier to climb” 😂😂😂

[LilChuunosuke]

Also autistic here. I'd like to share my perspectives & learned experiences of these things:

1. I think the families & kids thing is partially bc allistics are far more suseptible to social conditioning. They see everyone living their lives this way from a very young age & think that's what they HAVE to do. Of course, I'm sure many of them would've made this decision either way and many who would've chosen another life path if they hadn't felt so pressured by society to have kids have no regrets, but the more we see society accept and normalize people living for themselves, the more we're seeing people put off marriage or live single, childfree lives. (Also, hate to say it, but a LOT of couples get pregnant by accident & decide to keep the kid. It is terrifyingly common.)

2. I obviously can't say this definitively without knowing which situations you were thinking of, but I've learned that things are NOT as difficult for them as it is for us. I think there are a few reasons they say this, but most of it boils down to a fear of the disabled and the worry that we will change society to accomodate ourselves, which they percieve as "unfair" because they've made their struggles part of their identity. They refuse to recognize that some people aren't capable of doing what they've done. I didn't even realize I had ADHD until I was around 21/22 because people were repeatedly insisting it was entirely normal to be late for work sometimes or to lose things, but I was showing up late for work daily, always because I was frantically turning my house upside down trying to find things or having to turn around and run back home after realizing I forgot something important (I've even forgotten my glasses & my work uniform before). People with "normal" brains don't have to keep a checklist by the door with things they need when leaving the house to ensure they have everything.

3. I've heard the average office worker only does 4 hours of work per shift, so apparently the answer is basically nothing. 😂 When they are working, I think it's mostly putting data into spreadsheets. Like sales and expense reports. It makes it easier for the company to make changes when large amounts of data are condensed into smaller forms.

4. I think it's a power and social hierarchy thing. Neurotypicals tend to assign more respect and value to people who sit at the top of the social hierarchy. The fact that you can lie, cheat, bribe, and manipulate your way to the top and the fact that people who do everything right can still end up stuck at the bottom don't seem to be relevant to them. Neurotypicals tend to respect power and social influence while neurodiverse people tend to look more at actions and behaviors.

5. I think they percieve it as a way of bonding? Like they're trying to find something the two of you would "obviously" share the same opinion on and striking up a conversation about it to strengthen an emotional bond. As for why they choose to do it by being mean to strangers, I'm not entirely sure. I think they believe its acceptable because that person is unaware people are saying things about them and so the NT thinks that its okay as long as they're able to dodge the consequences? Either way, I still think its mean and nasty behavior.

6. I've noticed this is both based on culture and on the type of event. Forgive me fkr stereotyping, but to give an example, if you went to a gathering at a German's house, most people will arrive within 15 minutes of the start time. For a hispanic house party, the earliest people show up half an hour late. I've found every NT thinks the way they were raised is the "correct" time to show up and they will gossip about the people from different cultures for not showing up at the same time as them. Basically there is no "correct" answer. Show up when you think is appropriate and if people question you, just tell them its how you were raised. But if you consistently show up over an hour early to parties, it may be good to message the host in advance and ask "do you really expect everyone to be showing up by x time? I dont want to get there way before everyone else unless you need some help setting up." I find that as long as you are careful not to imply that you're worried about inconveniencing them by showing up early and are clear on the fact its a lack of understanding of social expectations, people will answer honestly.

[kkuudandere]

I also don't get the ritual of picking out "weird"/"bad" things about people to make fun of! My parents always draw my attention to somebody they think looks weird or bad and I just... never have energy to care? I guess I can understand it as a form of social communication similar to gossip. But then I REALLY don't get when people get MAD at me if I don't join them😅Like, why are they mad at me for not joining in and agreeing that some random person's outfit looks kinda bad? Why's it matter if it does? Really bizarre lol

[whisper]

This video is so relatable!
Especially the part about how others feel the need to comment on other people. I was raised in a home with a very judgmental Mum, she would constantly make quips about people's appearances and was very vain all through my childhood (the type to prioritize buying cosmetics and then pawn off *my* belongings when I was at school to make up the difference so she could buy groceries). As I got older, a lot of people drawn to me were the types that enjoyed partaking in this behavior as well; I know now that's because I was an easy target for whatever ego-driven intent they had.

Anyway, my point is that as an adult I make sure to call myself or others out when I notice this petty behavior pop up - work out why the reflex was there to say such a thing, acknowledge that it's unhelpful + why, learn, and grow from it. I've pushed a lot of people away with this, and that's absolutely fine with me! I refuse to be a part of any relationship or group that would take delight in such a thing. The world is hard enough as it is and it's insane just how conditioned into us it is to put others down, or to judge them for ultimately arbitrary features of their existences. We're all just trying to live, man... why are people like this?

[michaelrainbow]

Arriving at a gathering. Nothing has started yet. Every other early arriver gathered in small groups, engaged in animated conversations. Me: wandering aimlessly and feigning interest in spots on the wall. Avoiding eye contact, not wanting to engage; and at the same time, wanting nothing more than to connect with another human. Yeah

[UnvisibleGirl]

tbh a lot of the world is designed wierd when you look at it, but people don't see the wierdness due to having busy lives and being invested in it. I dont think people have kids to have something to do but I do think some people get into relationships to have someone to do things with, and I dont think thats a bad thing, some people like to do their own thing and some people like company ^^

[Autistamatic]

Brilliant piece Dana. I'm in my mid 50s & the closer I get to answering those questions, the more mysteries they create 😂
If you fancy bashing out some of these questions on screen with myself (& maybe 1 or 2 others) one day, then give me a shout😁

[mrmarten]

What I've noticed is that society is about competition and gaining power, hence people of higher intellect and psychopathic tendencies tend to be at the top, making terrible decisions for everybody else. Society has become more toxic lately, because the "firmware" of (neuro) typical people "culture" is at a crisis point, because of a shift in tradition and what is considered common sense. The factory model of civilization and society is reaching breaking point. Well that is what I've observed at least. As a general underlying construct.

[hawaiianbabyrose]

if this was a game of bingo, by now i'd probably won a bingo or something

[quingofcozycastle]

"Make car...it be mirror..." made me laugh explosively. 😂 Your points make so much sense, too.

[samygirl]

The closest I've ever been to an office job, and I only did it for 1 day, was delivery coordination. But I learned the phone calls were either customers asking questions about their order, like when it would arrive, asking to reschedule, or to complain about a recent delivery. Or we were calling the other side of the store to let them know a truck arrived for their department or asking them about the status of a shipment they needed to gather. The paperwork was what we have received on a recent truck, or printing out the orders that need to be organized and shipped that morning, what trucks we were going to be receiving that day, orders that need to be gathered from around the store to ship out later that week. I think it helped give me a general idea of what other desk work was like, so it seems a little less mysterious than before.

[msrottingroot]

I relate to this so much. There are things I don’t understand no matter how hard I try

[champotter]

Excellent video! And now to the answers:
1. Yes
2. Money (I need a more specific example but take the DMV… it could e made better but lawmakers would rather enrich themselves than grant funds for it)
3. Because the importance of the people at the top is a myth that enriches those in power so they perpetuate it
4. Envy, resentment, externalization of discontent, dissatisfaction. Also people in the UK seem overly concerned with how everyone behaves or appears. Your reaction (or lack thereof) to behaviors and things that don’t affect you would be completely the norm in some cultures.
5. Completely depends on the culture you are in. The variation in time expectations is so great from culture to culture that it’s notoriously vexing for people who go to live in other countries with different cultures. The only way to know is to watch the pattern of what others do in order to establish a baseline of what is the norm.
6. You lost your voice because maybe your mind got distracted for half a second due to a momentary hiccup in the complex neural pathways required to compile the syntax and coordinate the muscles to complete the sentence in just the right order!
Honestly your questions make perfect sense. I wouldn’t even gather a connection to autism or any other neurodivergence from these questions alone. 🤷‍♂️ also you could totally develop this into an observational humor style standup comedy routine because I think most people can completely identify with these questions!

[andyvan]

one reason, as an ASD one can surmise that we would get married, etc., is one), companionship, if they don't like animals as company, then humans are it; two) to prove to us, AND OTHERS, that we can have "inter-human" relationships, beyond just acquaintances (people we co-habit a space with, like on a train, bus, or in a building) if we are HIGH functioning, and have the skills to, and aren't afraid of it, or the negative responses.

[stephenie]

Excellent questions

Your hair color is pretty, I like the fade of colors

[Hopie_T]

The arrival time thing is so annoying. We have a service in my country where you book a public healthcare appointment online. It's really hard to find a slot and you have to log in at certain days and times to schedule even something simple as a dentist appointment for a month away.
So finally I found at 9am at a public hospital and I went... Told them my appointment time, they gave me a hospital card or whatever and after getting lost about 5 times trying to find the correct room because they are numbered in a non-sensical way... I'm talking: room 5 is at the entrance and then follow room 11, 23 and then you get to room 2 in some weird corner in the middle of a hallway.
So I get there, I'm on time and there are 6 other people waiting for the same room. Why? What's the point of the slot system then if everyone just comes and waits. And I look at my paper and it says "estimated time of appointment 11 o clock". Bish no! My appointment was at NINE! I woke up at 7.30 to be here on time, I am not sitting for two hours in this dirty, dark, overstimulating room, without anything to do with a bunch of sick people moaning all around. See you when the system gets its shit together.

[ourcherishedcherubs]

Great video 😊I’m so happy that I’ve found your channel 😊❤ you are very relatable and sweet 😊

[Scarygothgirl]

I think people primarily date for sex, intimacy and companionship. If you feel fulfilled in those areas already, then there's no need to be dating. It's definitely better to be single than to be dating someone that isn't right for you.

[BobDouce]

Ello 😀 nice little can of worms there. I have similar things that I don't get but what helps is remembering that those of us who are on the spectrum are a minority and the world is structured for the majority. Like you I am angered by those who do not accept 'unusual behaviour', it's usually because they don't understand and it frightens them causing ridicule or physical abuse as a result. Anyone who doesn't exhibit typical behaviour is a threat.
I don't understand many neurotypical behaviours but I have come to see that most things they do are centred around the acquisition of wealth and the power it brings. Apparently it's a competition that is encouraged because it's how the economy works. eg.The more you have, the less you have to do, it's what they all dream about and for many the only game worth playing. It's all bloody daft to me.
Waffled a bit there. 😂👍