What it's like being an INTJ Female

Hi everyone!

I'm trying a new way of recording since my old way just didn't look nice. I'm still learning how to edit and getting used to talking to a camera, so please excuse anything weird. I think at some point I say friendszezzzzz, but we'll just blame it on my accent. I hope you enjoy my story time about being an INTJ female. It came out sadder than I expected, but it was nice to talk about.

INTJ, INTJ Female, Myer Briggs, story time, depression, anxiety, social pressure, misunderstood, new channel, small creator, background cats

[Iamkura]

Immune to peer pressure is the right way to describe an INTJ growing up.

[MystikaLynx]

I am also INTJ-A. I am 57 now, but you remind me of myself in my 20s - introverted workaholic, which really just gave me an excuse to avoid relationships, since I wasn't any good at them. Still wear mostly black (and grey), never married, don't like kids (prefer cats!). I, too, had figured out how mask certain behavior traits to fit in better. And as I matured, I was better at sensing (and I suppose actually "caring about") when my aloofness was taken personally and hurting someone's feelings. I have learned to "lighten up". And I accept myself. I didn't learn about Myers-Briggs until my late 30s, but am now proud to be an INTJ. My (rare) dating partners haven't always appreciated me- but my employers definitely do!

[cjay]

As an INTJ, I was quiet. Still am. Always reading. Wanted to get married, but didn't want kids. So I've been told, I talk to kids like they are adults, but hey, they asked me a question, so I answered it. Don't know that they understood. I wear black, blue, white, a little gray, a little red, a little dark chocolate, and a little purple. Always making 'a plan.' Always trying to solve people's problems, not knowing that they might not want that. I live in my head. I like to work alone. I like organization, but not always 'neat.' I can lead, if I have too, but I prefer being behind the scenes. Hate social work, touchy feely groups. The internet makes me 'smart.' People asked me how to do such and such. I look it up and tell them. I often wonder why they didn't do the same thing.

[sharudow]

When you meet another INTJ, never say "we are similar". You should say "we come from the same planet and everybody see us as aliens ^^". French Male INTJ

[nj]

As a black INTJ female ❤I knew there was something wrong with other people from the time I came in to consciousness. A word of warning you will be surrounded by people who take your real feelings for granted, don’t let them! Because you don’t act like a toddler they will say you seem strong or that they don’t have to worry about you. I have feelings like everyone else I just don’t need a Tele novella for everyone to see and relate to. Honestly, once I discovered my feelings they were sophisticated and fine. Something most knuckle dragging, selfish immature and greedy types don’t get😂. That mask is real tho! I did it to mask up to learn more about why people are so counter productive. I wanted to learn compassion for others and experience feelings just to see if they are worth the struggles I saw😮. I also agree that wanting authenticity in relationships requires we find out who others authentic selves are. I made a promise to not allow the world to change me as a child and I have kept that promise. I suppose pretending isn’t changing just a strategy to get more information. I am married to a man who is way more emotionally demonstrative than I am😂. It is possible to find love but it’s nothing like the movies or romance novels it’s a balancing act. As an INTJ you might want to wait until you are older to marry just to get the independence you crave or find a partner like mine who appreciates your uniqueness. By the way, you will be attracted to extroverts but introverts will give you the space you may need❤. Good luck sis!

[mmccombs]

INTJ male- I get it and totally understand you. I feel like people don’t want to connect at a deep intellectual level. It’s like the world is full of superficial, extroverted sensing and extroverted feeling function types and they want us to be like them. I would rather have one or two close friends that I can connect with at a deeper intellectual level than a thousand people who just want to discuss small talk. It almost feels like I am a ghost walking in a crowded city and no one can see the true me. Studying Stoicism and practicing meditation has really helped me.

[bluesgirlcg]

I am also an INTJ female. It’s so hard. Most of the men I have dated have been F, and some of them actually got mad at me for being logical. It takes someone who is really secure in who they are to be with an INTJ female. Some men are easily threatened and uncomfortable with women not showing stereotypical traits because they define their own masculinity against your behaviour. It’s bizarre. Always be yourself, it’s frustrating, but it’s the only way to find someone that actually likes you, the real you. (Also, very similar experience growing up, you’re not alone). And thank you for sharing.

[dawndawn]

As an INTJ female, I was very lucky in my childhood. Other than being told that I was too quiet, I hardly had any problems. I had school uniforms, so clothes were never a problem. Now I do have blacks and greys, but I compensate with a few monochromatic clothes. I have also gone through phases of wondering where on earth I would find someone who gets me. I guess that my husband is ENFP, who managed to get me to open up. He is funny and sensitive yet logical. Although he (and other men too) often says that I am not a "normal" female, he can see advantages in that and I don't feel insulted. He doesn't have to worry about getting gifts or forgetting anniversaries, isn't that nice?

[gracefitzgerald]

I am in my 40s and recently took 2 tests. I’m an INTJ-A. Everything makes sense now. Deciding not to have children, loving black, callous in some decision making. However the hardest thing for me is realizing most of the world doesn’t have the same goal in striving to reach your highest self. I could never understand people’s lack of will power, or weak moments. It’s arrogant to say and I suppose it is, but sensitivity isn’t my strong suit. Thank you for the video, and a big shout out to our the special people that do accept us for who we are.

[sayaleli]

As an INTJ female, I absolutely like your hairstyle and how you dress.

[fanny]

I'm intj married female, i cry watching your video. I understand your experience in the childhood perfectly. It's hurt to understand that people don't like us. But it's okey now, i have learned that it is okey to have masks. The masks are also me. The me i choose to handle people. Persona. Maybe it's easier for me to accept it since i was Asian. Our culture rarely say 'be yourself', we have to behave all the time and fulfill others expectation. Marriage is the same, the truth is, it's never about being yourself. It's about loving a person with all your heart and try to understand him, and willing to compromise and fulfill his expectation. And vise versa.
We learned qualities that people like, and we keep our qualities that people don't like as a secret weapon. Hence, we are special, no need to take as a burden, take it as your power. That is my experience. You re so beautiful. Love you and bless you 😘💕🌺

[morganemulan]

As a French INTJ female, hearing what you say I have the impression that it might be worse to be an American INTJ. It seems to me that extraversion and small talk are more valued there than in France, so I can understand why you felt the need to wear a mask. I had never really had to do it, although I had to learn how to amplify my facial and verbal expressions so that people understand better the way I feel and what I mean. Now that I live in China, I think introversion is not seen as something bad and I feel less pressure to actively engage with people all the time, it is kind of relaxing. It is interesting to see how the culture you grow up in can influence how you develop yourself and react to your environment, and maybe also how you see yourself!

[elypelowski]

As an INTJ male, I always find it fascinating listening to a female INTJs life perspectives. I can identify with so much about your thinking and emotional response to situations and people. I can imagine for a female INTJ it is really tough growing up as a kid/teen. Very much an outcast. Why ? Because the INTJ ego is masculine by nature and in society the INTJ female is STILL expected be nurturing/emotionally supportive according to feminine roles in society. Therein lies the struggle. I really like hearing your insights as a female INTJ. Keep making videos !!

[dogdonut]

I'm an INTJ woman. I'm 51. I have been married twice. First time I met him in high school through my best friends. I think he was an ESTJ. We were married for over 20 years.
Second husband (he's an ESFP) I met, after my divorce, through our teenage kids being friends. We've been together almost 5 years.
When I first met my ESFP husband, he struck me as so kind and honest (and also handsome) that I wanted to know him better. When he told me that he wanted to know me better because I was so good (his view of things I'd done in life), I actually teared up a little. I had always been painted the "bad guy" in past relationships, but this man saw me as good! That's what started our journey together.
It's a very trusting, honest, loving relationship.

[miapia]

My friends parents has never liked me either 😄. And boyfriends tell me I don't cry enough and that means to them that I don't care about the relationship. Good video :) /intj

[maggis]

Your cat is so INTJ - virtual hug sent from another female INTJ. I giggled when you said: 'how do you people?' as that's something I literally uttered a few days ago (in fact, I asked:'how do you human?').
I relate 100% - unable to provide the answer to 'how do you people?'.
Btw: I have practically identical outfit, perhaps like 99% of other INTJ females. Thanks for your video.

[ammygamer]

As an INTJ-A female, I had the same experience of bullying in school/college you did. People did a lot of psychological bullying with me, pranks and such, but they never had the courage to do so in my face, prefering to stand and chuckle while their plans unfold from afar. I did not only I have the famous "intimidating aura" but was also very tall for my age. The school staff was utterly useless trying to prevent it, so I just held on tight and avoided giving them the satisfaction of actually irritating me. In the end I think I actually pitied those fools.

Now, I'm Assertive with a capital, bold and underlined A, so I never felt the "need" to put on a mask as a teenager. Mostly, I guess, because my family loved me, accepted me and supported me even though I was such a quiet person in their eyes. "A small wild creature" they would tease, and hug me (holds back squeak) lovingly. So I grew up being very comfortable in just being myself in its entirety. The only reason I didn't tell them about the bullying is because I guess, in a way, I felt indebted to their enourmous kindness and I didn't want to trouble them with something I could deal with. Being stronger than my bullies became a point of pride, even if now it sounds a little childish to me. But the thick skin I got from the experience has served me very well in later years.

The bright point in all of that though was that I met my fiance back then as well. Sometimes I went to the local public library to "recharge" (I was friends with the librarian and the janitor there, they were wonderful people) and this one guy from school, a year younger than me, one day walked up to me and asked me how I was doing. I couldn't lie when answering that (Especially when something in me was saying that he wasn't asking that just for pleasantries as people normally do. My guess is my resting b*tch face looked pretty bad in that particular day) so I told him (with the usual factual tone) how my school life was "going". I also wanted to vent a little, I guess.

He was actually pretty shocked, and made a point to always come to talk with me whenever he saw me from now on. I distinctly noticed people gradually stopped with the pranks because he and his friends (basically all boys, which eventually also became my close friends as well) were seen with me a lot, though my classmates still blatantly ignored my existence in class and made all sort of rude comments about me when they thought I wasn't listening.

As time went by I learned that he was also suffering bullying, but from a different kind. He was sort of the class "clow/pet", which baffled *me* in turn. In my eyes he was such a sharp toll in the box, I couldn't fanthom why they would treat him like that (you know how we INTJs are, we detect true smarts in people like a sonar). He even developed a really bad case of not trusting his own capabilities because of the low self esteem b*** talk people threw at him. He was only "himself" around me and his friends, but now that I had all pieces of the puzzle I could cleary see there was some insecurity to certain things he did even when around us.

So once I got that figured out I told him that I thought it was all utter nonsense (to put it in kind words) and I was about to glue the truth to his forehead if needed to, and I would fight him if he ever doubted me on what I was about to say: Starting with whole absurdity that our school was to allow for something like this to happen, then I began listing the many many things he had perceived in me and in the people around him without even being told so, the skills he had unknowingly showed me as time and acted as if they weren't anything worth of notice, and to put a cherry on top how incredibly kind and caring he was, even when nobody was looking, even holding to that kindness when people had been so horrible to him ... Only to realize he was slowly sinking into his chair and turning into a cherry himself. I stopped talking as I caught myself thinking that he looked incredibly cute flustered like that.

... Oh. OH. I see. And then I sort of realized at that moment that I did like him. As himself. And he probably liked me too. So I did the next obvious thing and just asked him straight out, then began chuckling uncontrollably at his enthusiasm and at the madness of it all. Cue poor library staff asking him to *please* be quiet.

So yeah, we've been together for 8 years now. Peacefully might I add. Some of his demeanor has rubbed on me, and vice-versa. It's nice to have someone I can just... Be with as I am. I truly believe the same applies to him. We complement each other well. He has softened my edges and I've gave him some dully needed ones. He is a very pro-active and confident man now. I still squeak everytime I'm hugged though hahaha. Some things never change, eh?

The wisdow I can offer is: it's easy to be around someone who appears to be happy and settled in life. People want to bask in the rays of glory of someone's sucess and "feel special" for being their friend. When things are cleary turbulent for you though, many are going to just scatter away or join the people mocking you. But... There's always someone. Hidden, maybe. Someone that will stay, and listen, and care, and help. Truly. If you stick with being true to yourself even in darkness, no matter what, you will undoubtedly eventually find people that still want to be by your side through it.

And who knows? One of them just might be the one for you.

[diveflyfish]

“I was immune to peer pressure” so true even for an INTP who borders on INTJ…!
Your not alone!

[diogee]

You cannot be stereotyped when the proportion to the rest is almost homeopathic. And since being an INTJ is just having a particular style of thinking, and not belonging to a general class, the situation becomes even worse - you are almost unique.

Therefore, it is easier for others to create relationships. They have more in common, and the most common they have are instincts - sex, safety, communication, pleasure. It is easier to create a connection based on them. Fragile, superficial, but it is even biologically justified.

INTJs, in my humble opinion, are loved intellectually. We integrate people into our lives. For us, achieving the goals of our loved ones is no less important, and sometimes even more important than ours. Breaking up such a relationship is painful. Therefore, you will think three times and use Vulcan logic along with boolean tables before both breaking and creating relationships.

Meanwhile, romantics just want romance. Something light, natural. And INTJs bring an unnatural mind to this process and this is apparently scary, something like: she has the potential to kill me at night and my corpse will never be found. ( After your demand for a cat, as a man, I will tell you you have everything you need for this =)) Or maybe it's just that low empathy and high self-control of women are not acceptable at the instinctive level for romantic men.

Maybe you should look for someone who shares your long-term goals first, and then thinks about the relationship. Who has the mental outlook and power of mind not to bring their bad day with them and call others names.

[lancefarrar]

May my words never be more eloquent then the ears of my audience.