90 Day Fiancé: A commentary on narcissism and falling in love with a narrative

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[milak.]

I would love to see Dr Ramani react to 90 Day Fiancé, I think it would be so educational!

[katekouri]

True, we fall in love with a story, that's why it's so easy for the narcissists to love bomb us.

[prittyugly]

Some of the couples are so toxic i can't tell who is the abuser and the victim. It goes back and forth.

Sounds like online dating. I remember going on the “trash can” which is online dating, reading profiles and when the real person showed up in front of me, it was often an entirely different person. People also have a distorted view of themselves and often portray what they would like to be rather than what they really are. I’m happy by myself, never been happier. And I feel for those who need to follow the narrative that you have to have a partner to be a real human being. Family members and friends always asking “so, when are you getting a partner, married, a child?” do an enormous disservice to us as they pressure us into relationships when we should develop self love and learn the beauty of being who we are alone. And, if it happens, a loving relationship comes along.

[triwalee-chin]

You cracked me up when you said: “five hours later”!!

[JP-zpve]

Yes this video is brutally honest. I knew the red flags were there I could feel it in my gut. Yet I gave him chance after chance thinking I could help him. Big mistake! I accused him of not loving me, but rather loving who he wished I was. But I was the one guilty of that because I fell in love with the narrative! My experience with a narcissist shattered me to the core. Thank God for videos like this one. There are so many great tools offered to get on the road to healing. Thank you😊

[maxm]

Dr. Ramani's mission and vision are a gift to humanity.

[stephnel]

I think reality TV shows with the "love story" throughline have the same cognitive dissonance issues down the road. Society has taught us to favour the fairytale over reality.

[dearbeloved]

I literally was just watching this last night and pointing out all of the narcissism within this show. I’d say the Bachelor is another great example AND Married at first sight.

[kennethcollins]

Listening to you is like being in a masters class on toxic and narcissistic relationships and people and a poetry class at the same time. Love your way of speaking and sharing your knowledge with us.
Thank you so mych Dr Ramini

[cruiseny]

Omg. I'm obsessed with this show. I think it was a way for me to figure out how I got into my narcissistic relationship. My ex narc used to make fun of me for watching. The Darcy storyline and Colt and Larissa are probably the craziest.

[themarro]

The love bombing in the early stages is so intoxicating you ignore the red flags 🚩. You desperately want the narrative be true!
You are right Dr Ramani... fall in love with the person.

[alexnightray]

Dr. Kirk Hinda of Psychology in Seattle reacts to this show regularly, and he finds it draining at times due to the toxicity of certain couples. It would be interesting to see a video discussion between you and him about the underlying themes of this show XD *hint hint*

[smurfmama]

Omg I needed this. I watch that crazy show just to learn from the dynamics. Very good point you are spot on, they are falling in love with a story rather than the person.

[feinia]

I lived this. I met the narc while visiting family in Eastern Europe, then went through the living hell that is the US immigration system to bring him to the US. This is not a political post, but the fact is, I had limited time to get to know him, limited time before I had to either marry him or say goodbye forever. I justified all the very blatant red flags. I believed that having him here, with me, away from the poverty and relentless demands of his narc family would allow him to finally release all the tension and begin a fresh new life. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My salvation came when he discarded me while back visiting his family, when I didn’t immediately wire more money per his demand. Now I’m waiting for my divorce to be finalized, while he’s 6000 miles away, sharing Facebook memories of himself living the good life in the US (did I mention he refused to work, wanted life to be a neverending series of FL vacations, Broadway shows, restaurants and new designer clothes?). Memories are all he’ll ever have. I have my future.

[NatureFreak]

We get primed for romantic love and happy ending since childhood, as a society we are obsessed with love stories. Maybe we should be a bit more realistic.

[stacyjaye]

Better to be alone than in bad company. Even friendships are overated, in my book.

[jingjingtian]

"I'd rather buy you a pair of shoes." Lol--that's a good friend. I hope that Doctor Ramani watches Indian Matchmaking on Netflix--I loved the doc/reality show and thought that it was so interesting. All of these shows (including The Bachelor) need therapists with knowledge of attachment theory, narcissistic abuse, codependency, abandonment, and childhood development to be on the show--it would change the way that people seek relationships and change their relationship with themselves.

[kristenstewart]

I would love for you to do more videos on 90 Day Fiance! There are soooo many narcissists on this show and every time I watch it I think of you! Most of them think they deserve "the best" and so that's why they find people from poor countries and try to buy them to get them over here. They could find someone on their own physical attractiveness level here in the USA but they want someone way out of their league

[dawnsbuttcrack]

Dr. Ramani is so good! The way she breaks things down and articulates everything about narcissism. There's one topic I've never heard any psychology channel owner talk about that I wish someone would: that intelligence and education say nothing about character and that not all psychologists are created equal. My Aunt was a clinical psychologist and I always wondered why in the world she'd chosen that profession because she didn't like people- like any people at all whatsoever, she was void of compassion, would roll her eyes anytime anyone in my family- kid or adult, would cry, shed leave servers .50 whether her bill was $15 or $200, thought poor people should be steralized. I shutter to think of how many people came to her for help over the years before she passed. I think people like her working in mental healthcare is a big problem. I have no idea how college professors or licensing boards could ever go about weeding out such people but I wish there was a way.