lose you to love me

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Last month, I ended my lifelong friendship with Max. If you don't remember who he is, he's the brother of "Dick", the boy who molested me in high school. We used to be close, but over the years our relationship became unhealthy - in more ways than one. I had wanted to end our friendship for so long, but prevented myself from doing so out of my own guilt and shame over what his brother did to me. I felt like I owed it to him because I thought I ruined his brother's life. (He ruined his own life.) So I just put up with Max's behavior, even though I was miserable. I put in all the effort of starting conversations and going to visit him. Getting together was more exhausting than it was exciting because I couldn't stand being around him. He was so over-dramatic about everything and always made things about him. I could never talk to him about anything. It got to the point where all he ever did was infuriate me. He brought out the worst in me and I hated that. So, the day after Thanksgiving I finally told him that it was over. Now that he's out of my life, maybe I'll finally feel a sense of freedom coming into 2023 now that my last connection to "Dick" has been severed. Let's hope so.

Update December 2023: I can't believe it took me this long to realize this. For years, I told myself that Max didn't intervene because his gaze was on the movie that was playing. But even if he didn't *see* what was happening, "Dick" was consistently asking me if the way he was touching me was "okay". Max would have heard that because he was sitting right next to me (reminder: I was in the middle of the couch). So he chose to do nothing. And then afterwards, he completely forgot it even happened. And now I'm pissed off all over again as if it just happened. All those years were a lie.

disclaimer: this song belongs to Selena Gomez.

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