020 Part 2 Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) & the HSP with Dr. Erika Martinez

Episode 20

TITLE

Part 2 Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), & the HSP

GUEST

Dr. Erika Martinez

EPISODE OVERVIEW

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect and how does it affect non-HSPs and HSPs? A Highly Sensitive Person being raised by a non-HSP parent could cause CEN. Some symptoms of CEN-- feelings of emptiness (a void), feeling deeply and fatally flawed; don’t feel good enough; feeling unlovable/unlikable; seeking external validation to know you’re ok; being very self-sufficient; may have been parentified, may struggle with being assertive, being angry, experience self-blame; have a hard time asking for help; may have trust issues, may be anxious, depressed or stressed out. We talk about vantage sensitivity, attachment styles and exercises to work with CEN.

HIGHLIGHTS

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)? A Lack of parental attunement to the child’s emotional needs, and a lack of responsiveness to their emotional needs CEN is such an invisible thing—it’s what failed to happen for you



Symptoms of CEN—feelings of emptiness (a void), feeling deeply and fatally flawed; don’t feel good enough; feeling unlovable/unlikable; seeking external validation to know you’re ok; being very self-sufficient; may have been parentified, may struggle with being assertive, being angry, experience self-blame; have a hard time asking for help; may have trust issues, may be anxious, depressed or stressed out

If you’re an HSP, and your parents were non-HSPs, that in and of itself could cause CEN

Counterdependence—difficulty asking for help

Notes from Dr. Jonice Webb’s article “Childhood Emotional Neglect Undermines the Highly Sensitive Person’s Best Strengths

“You feel things deeply and powerfully…When you grow up emotionally neglected, you learn that your emotions are useless and should be ignored and hidden. This takes your powerful force from within, disempowers it, and perhaps even shames you for having it.” “You are a deep thinker who needs to have meaning and purpose in your life…you get the message that your feelings don’t matter…since your emotions are the most deeply personal expression of who you are, it’s natural for you as a child to internalize the message as ‘I don’t matter.’…going through your adult life, you tend to feel less important than other people, and this undermines your ability to experience yourself and your life as meaningful and important. “Your intense feelings and your need to have meaning and purpose in your life both make your relationships heartfelt and genuine…you miss out on the opportunity to learn how to understand and manage your emotions and the emotions of others. Truth or Myth—Because I have CEN and had to learn to read the environment to survive, the CEN CAUSED me to be an HSP

Vantage Sensitivity—HSPs will thrive and benefit more in a positive environment than non-HSPs, and conversely, HSPs will be more negatively affected in adverse environments (CEN) than non-HSPs. So HSPs respond better and worse in positive and negative environments/settings than non-HSPs

When HSPs find themselves in environments that don’t validate and mirror their feelings, they develop coping mechanisms to push down and bury their emotional world. The HSP learns to “dim” or turn down their emotions to fit in the household, but it comes at the expense of their HSP gifts. 4 Types of Attachment Styles—the 1st is a secure style and the remaining 3 are insecure style

Secure attachment Dismissive or avoidant—they don’t connect or seek out relationships Anxious or preoccupied—they’re very worried about being in a relationship; they’re worried about their partner, or their partner’s needs. There can be excessive rumination/worry and racing thoughts Fearful or avoidant—they seek out relationships, then they run away from them. It’s a yo-yo relationship Shame Shields from Dr. Brene Brown’s Research

Move toward people—anxious, preoccupied. They tend to be perfectionistic or people-pleasing Move away/withdraw--dismissive Move against—aggressive (passive aggressive), act out, fearful, avoidant, condescending Specific exercises from the book Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb

Understand the purpose and value of emotions Alexithymia—being emotionally illiterate and having a difficult time understanding the behavior of other people Identify your own emotions 3x/day Monitor your feelings and how they shift throughout the day Accept and trust your feelings Learn to express yourself effectively Self-care and self-compassion Self-discipline (there is usually an excess of or a lack of)

BIO

Erika Martinez, Psy.D., a Florida licensed psychologist and certified educator, specializes in the assessment and treatment of a variety of mental health conditions in young adults. Combing her expertise in neuropsychology, assessment,...

[imice]

thank you. this is exactly the resource i needed <3

[Amazing_missB]

This episode (and the previous) have given me validation that I’m not alone. This validation (and others) allows me bring up my ultimate core issues.

When providers can’t get to know me- I look like a mix of so many things (ADHD, identity disturbance, depression, anxiety, intense emotions, etc). Trying to treat all these separately has been a nightmare. Also- many have noticed that when I’m able to function- I’m able to connect to others and care for them on very deep levels. I need to be careful to not exhaust myself with this because I’m still not adjusted to healthy human interactions... but I feel I can turn things around and have the connections and love I deserved growing up.

As an educator- I feel tremendous empathy for many children doing their best to survive CEN.
Sadly, our system doesn’t provide enough resources to help all but the most dire of physical or sexual abuse cases.

I suffered what many therapists have said was horrible abuse... but I was fed, clothed, and isolated enough that I didn’t realize anything was “unusual” until I was a pre-teen. I learned to just stay out of the way as much as possible, “read minds, ” and kept telling myself I can’t be as bad as they said (logically I knew- but it still hurts).

[Jen-rkyu]

I am so glad to see someone connect these two experiences that deeply affect the way we see the world! When I found out about both CEN and HSP, it changed how I treated myself and led to much more self compassion. Thank you for both your insights.

[mariamkinen]

I have had few options to turn my life around to positive values, but need distance, time n place with my own values . What i'm good at. My language owned doors. This is not about me, any longer. I wish the rev. (I will soon be grandma.) TY. Parental immaturity.