The Onion Reviews 'Jurassic World’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Jurassic World’ in this week’s Film Standard.

[radicamooselimb]

"Come back! I'm stuck!" - Indominous Rex

Fucking priceless :D

[Peremptor]

"Flying, flying everywhere"

That's storytelling at its finest there.

[Godzillarex]

I don't know about you guys, but I would watch the hell out of dino-subtitled Jurassic World!

[ColtGColtG]

Am I the only one who would legit like to see The Onion make riff trax like subtitles for movies like this?

[MsMilkytheclown]

Another outstanding review by Peter Rosenthal.

[simo]

T-Rex chasing the jeep in the first film. "Wait wait, slow down I have a stitch"

[SpikePixel]

I hope Peter's subtitles make it into the blu-ray edition of Jurassic World.

[Redem]

So where can I get the subtitle version?

[Zeuts]

"Oh no! Explosion!" lmfao... oh god... haven't laughed this hard... in months... ahahahaha oh my sides hurt...

[AnnaCeleste]

I found the whole movie incredibly offensive. As a genetically recreated giant ancient lizard I was sickened to see Dinosaurs only got to make brutish and primitive sounds while "humans" got all the speaking parts. This is what's wrong with Hollywood. All the main cast roles go to humans while Dinosaurs are picked on and abused. I bet that Indominous Rex didn't get even a third of the pay that Chris Pratt got.

[aaronborgstrom]

to think, all of those deaths couldve been avoided if they'd just known the dinosaurs were hungry and got them a sandwich or something. you did it again, peter. bravo.

[christophercampbell]

I kinda wonder if he actually did send them to Steven Spielberg as a joke.

[tidus]

I agree that the dinosaurs lacked personality and direction but the real opportunity that was missed was to give them hats or maybe business suits, why would I want to watch a bunch of naked dinosaurs run around try harder Spielberg

[MRayner]

The idea that the dinosaurs not talking results in a “glaring narrative gap” that leaves the viewer “entirely in the dark” about their character and motivation is a hilarious conceit. I would just love to see the whole thing with Peter’s subtitles, including insightful dialog like “I am coming to eat you” and “I am stuck.” Brilliant!

[DidntKnowWhatToPut]

"Oh no! Explosion!" - Spinosaurus

[BugSplat]

I have a video editor and the original Jurassic Park!! Well, there goes my weekend! xD

[Khannea]

It would actually be possible that Spielberg studios went with this idea and released a special Rosenthal edition Jurassic series. It would work, commercially and aesthetically.

[AVMamfortas]

You do a great service to the film industry and artists in general. Their is an Oscar in it for you someday, Shirley.

[adam]

I wouldn't be surprised if Peter actually *did* sent his version to Spielberg.

[uploaderq]

I think that the real problem with the movie wasn´t the absence of subtitles, but the lack of dinosaurs.
I mean, there´s entires scenes were there isn´t any dinosaurs and just show stuff like people, trees and other unnecesary things.
Even in the scenes with dinosaurs, there´s a big chunk of frame without them. Why?
As a spectator, all I wanna watch is a movie filled with dinosaurs.
Is that much to ask?