Gender Non-Conformity in Cisgender Autistic People : Challenging Gender Stereotypes

Gender non-conformity in autism is a big topic of discussion in the autistic community. Statistics show that autistic individuals are more likely to be sexuality and gender divergent. In this video, I’ll share my perspective from what I've observed in the community including the distinction between not identifying with your socially assigned gender and not conforming to gender stereotypes. This is a crucial topic for many of us on the quest to find the most authentic version of ourselves.

🎞️Timestamps:
0:00 Introduction
2:58 What’s interesting about Gender Non-Conformity?
3:26 My experience: What it means to me
5:34 Diversity of Expression in the Autistic Community
6:43 Why did I make this video?
8:29 Being the odd one out
9:38 What can labels do?
9:55 Being your authentic self

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If you're autistic or think you or someone you love might be on the autism spectrum, this channel is for you!
I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.

Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this channel in the first place because if I didn't show you, you would never know.

Autism affects many (if not all!) aspects of our lives, so on this channel, I want to show you what Autism looks like in real people and give you some insight into what's happening for us on the inside. We'll break down myths and misconceptions, discuss how to embrace autism and live well, and share what it's like to be an autistic person.

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Peace,

~ Paul

#autism #asd #autismawareness

[Nami-dqox]

I am a cis-gender woman, and I usually find myself in male-dominated environments because of my interests, and I am more comfortable with guys anyway. But I think that society generally values masculinity and it is seen as a positive thing to be "one of the boys", so it hasn't really given me problems. I usually surround myself with other misfits, and it was a shock to me to discover that stereotypical women actually exist in real life. They seem to instinctively not like me, but it doesn't bother me anymore.

[helenx]

YES! Thank you for putting this into words. I'm an autistic cisgender woman, and what you are talking about is my experience growing up. As a kid I had some interests that were labelled typically feminine like crochet and knitting, and others that were not at that time, like computers and sci-fi.

I remember thinking pretty much exactly what you said - that it's just what I like, and I don't feel like a boy, I feel like a girl, so it must be other people's definition of feminine or masculine hobbies that was wrong.

[spotterofgold]

Spot on, Paul. As a cisgender woman I am so glad and relieved to hear all of this, even if I do wish I had heard it 50 + years ago when I was in my late teens and early twenties and feeling very gender non-conformist. Thank you!

[amw]

Thank you for this. I'm a cis-gender woman who is very frustrated by the current discourse surrounding gender. There seems to be a LOT of reinforcement of the boxes, and I step outside my gender box pretty frequently. I wish men were socially given more freedom to do the same. These boxes can be pretty harmful.

[Cybolic]

I never realised this was an autistic trait, but I'm not surprised! I'm hetero cis-male, but many people have tried to put me into other boxes (mostly during the years when I dressed glam) whereas I've always felt the standard "male" box was ridiculously narrow and an oddly arbitrary boundary of interests and reaction-sets. These days, I don't think that much about it, but I always chuckle when I see the box that Google or Meta ads have placed me into - there, I'm most often an Asian or African-American mother who's looking to migrate to Europe (where I've always lived); no complaints from me, it's certainly a better box than "hetero cis-male"!

[MissfitJoy]

Omg! It’s like you’re in my head on this. I’ve been waiting to “outgrow” the reaction “Well, that’s dumb, ” when confronted with gender norms. I’m 51 and still feel the same way. My experience is being female is “feminine” bc it’s mine, no matter what preferences or activities that experience includes.

[Alien_at_Large]

I'm a cis-gender female, but inadvertently became gender-nonconforming. To start with, I have the unfortunate characteristic of being "flat-chested". On top of that, I have never liked wearing makeup because I can feel it on my face. I don't like most feminine clothes, especially pantyhose!, because they are uncomfortable. I don't enjoy painting my fingernails and I can't stand them long, because it's harder to keep them clean. On top of that, I tend to either say nothing, or talk too forcefully about science fiction, fantasy, physics, how machines work, and mathematics. Now, I am post-menopausal, have my hair cut in a mohawk, and people can't tell what the heck I am, ahahaha!

[Cogskate]

This! I grew up baffled by the idea that everything had to be "for girls" or "for boys". Thanks to my fantastic parents, I was confused by the world's weirdness, but not massively intimidated by it. A typical interaction with gender conformity might go like this...

Me: [Does a thing]
GC: Girls don't do that.
Me: I do it, I'm a girl, therefore at least one girl clearly does do this.
GC: You're weird.
Me: You can't do basic logic. 🙄 I'll take "weird" as a compliment.

[eghtimx]

Thank you for this video, I’m Autistic, and cisgender female, I had to look that up to find out what it actually means, but I’ve never felt I quite fitted in with other girls/women. Never had an interest in all that ‘girly’ stuff, make up etc, all that ‘girly’ chat. I am female, but I never felt quite same as the other females. I dress how I want to, loose baggy comfortable, not interested in fashion, often shocked my friends by not being afraid to tackle DIY, when my health was good, I just did it my way. I had no interest in sex at all, still don’t, it’s just not on my radar. I found out about ‘asexual’ in my 30s and went yes that’s me. I was very late diagnosed Autistic and that made sense of a lot of my life. This video is so helpful. I can now see I’m female, in body and feelings, but I don’t quite fit the female role all of the time. Thank you so much it’s been very helpful.

[jeanmills]

I’m 70 and recently realized I have been, essentially, gender ambiguous my entire life. Thanks for discussing this

[LoudPaul]

I'm a Cis man who's never fit neatly into masculine parameters. Reading about other autistic people's gender experiences online since self-diagnosing has been so eye-opening and interesting to me! I'm glad to know there's other people out there like me :) Thanks for another great vid Paul

[Salishdaughter]

Hello Paul. I'm a 66 year old woman who was diagnosed with ADHD about 25 years ago. At the time it was the "best" option diagnosis. I could write you a book, but I'm sure you've heard it all by now. I also worked for approx 14 year as a school psychologist and (ironically) spent my career identifying children and young adults who were struggling in school and then assessing and diagnosing the problems. Through your channel I have come to realize that diagnostic criteria has changed a lot and that in reality, I am an Autistic woman. Very Autistic. Anyways, YES. I've never wanted to be a different gender, but I struggled mightily with the issue. I paid my way through college by joining the Air Force and became the first woman Small Arms instructor (my recruiter lied on the form about me being a woman, once I got off the bus, they HAD to take me). I switched to Army ROTC just as the military was shutting down the Women's army Corps and moving all women into the Regular Army. Again, I "fudged" a few things and ended up in a combat military police unit after graduating from college ... I didn't get to stay long, but it was fun for about six months. When I was getting my Master's in clinical psychology I was run through a battery of personality inventories and always scored between 75% to 80% masculine traits vs 20% to 25% feminine. Even so, I never "felt like a man in a woman's body", I've always felt female ... I just really liked different things from my female friends and never questioned whether it was right or wrong for me. I'd just get real pissed if I was told "no", I couldn't do that. Anyways, THANK YOU for this channel. I am starting a journey in Adult Autism Assessment, I believe my years of assessing children will be helpful. You have helped me to accept the Neurodiversity-Affirmative Approach and I shall forever be grateful.

[meadowrae]

I am female and was dubbed "tomboy" pretty much as soon as I could walk. Then puberty hit with a vengeance, and it was no longer "allowed." Even it would have been allowed, I looked distinctly and incredibly "woman." I spent most of my life thinking that all women played this big game of pretend because they felt like they had to. It never occurred to me that people would actually enjoy being a woman. Now that I'm in my 30's of course I know better, but it's still mindblowing when I "rediscover" this fact.

[isabellefaguy]

Thank you so much for speaking about this. I'm often told by the younger autistic people that I must (yes, they're imposing me to do that) say I'm a men because I do a lot of manly things and I keep my hair a few mm long and I dress with manly clothes. And if I try to tell them that my mother and grand mother generation fought to have the right to dress as they wish, do the profession they want to, etc. and thus I am allowed to be myself as a woman, they get angry at me for not wanting to comply to their wish that I say I'm a man. This makes me so sad, because it's fellow autistic people who tell me that.

[gracebosko]

This is definitely how I feel. I’ve always found it hard to make friends with other girls because I had much different interests; for one, I was a huge Pokémon nerd, and I still am. I also don’t like to act stereotypically feminine and I hate wearing dresses. Actually, I wear men’s clothes most of the time.

Honestly, I think the idea that everyone has to fit into some type of box according to their gender is ridiculous. Why doesn’t everyone just wear whatever they like? There’s nothing that boys or girls are supposed to do, just be yourself.

[barbarawalker]

Definitely something I've been thinking about since realizing I'm autistic! I'm a cisgender heterosexual woman who was labeled as a "tomboy" as a girl, liked sports more than traditionally "girlie" activities, don't wear feminine clothing most of the time...then and now at age 59. It's really made me think, lately, about who made up these rules anyway?! There's definitely societal trauma surrounding it and I need to let that all go...because I get to decide, not someone else. I've carried the weight of others deciding while at that same time not conforming. Just one more way I feel like an outsider because of autism (never knew it til about 3 months ago!) Thanks for this video!

[perceptionsofreality]

I was often the only female in college classes 30+ years while getting my computer science degree. Also, I always seemed share more interests with men than most women.
I've always felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, though. I'm fine when talking with one person at a time, but when there is a conversation with additional people, I always have trouble joining in and often just remain silent. I've always felt like my brain worked differently from most. Things that were came easy for me were difficult for others and vice versa.
We all took the Meyers Briggs test where I worked over 20 years ago (INTP, for whatever that's worth). My mask (which I attributed to depression at the time) started developing major cracks several years ago after some major personal challenges. So I looked up why I felt too much -- HSP seemed to describe my emotional and physical sensitivities. Now I'm realizing that some of my life-long struggles are likely "high functioning" autism, and, for some reason, it's a bit of a relief.

[marieugorek]

yes. Even before I knew I was autistic, I was identifying as "nonconforming female." I love being feminine, but have no desire to track or follow fashion trends. I wear long skirts and corsets because they are comfortable (no fabric bunching around my knees, torso pressure) and would probably wear them if I had a body that others would consider masculine -- I am just fortunate that my body's shape happens to fit with the clothing I enjoy wearing. I crochet and sew and garden because I find those activities to be calming and practical and a creative outlet -- that they happen to fall in the feminine box is convenient, but not why I do them. I cook and love children and animals because acts of service are my love langauge and I crave connection and I did not get all my needs met so am highly motivated to meet the needs of others when I can -- I would do all of this regardless of my physical or gender identity. So many people don't notice the nonconforming aspect of my femininity -- until we have a misunderstanding because I thought they were safe enough to use direct/assertive communication styles with, and they weren't prepared to accept that particular wording/tone from someone with hand-made, ruffled sleves, long skirt, and corset covered with cute puppy dogs. Or until I charge down a group of kids and tell them off for teasing the neighborhood dogs and manage -- all 5-foot-two with pigtails at age 45 of me -- to subdue teens a good foot and a half taller than me with just the force of my presence. Or until I eat two large platefuls of savory foods, not bothering to touch the delicate sweets. Or until I say I'd prefer to go hiking or camping for my honeymoon instead of heading for Paris or a cottage on the beach.

I am female. I am lucky that I happen to be in a body that most people associate with females. I am even more fortunate that the majority of my hobbies and interests are associated with females. But I am the only one who gets to determine what it means for me to be female.

[writerious]

I was born AFAB and grew up with two older brothers. From a very early age, in spite of pressure from my mother to be "my dainty and delicate little girl, " I wanted to be in the sandbox playing with Tonka trucks with my brothers. I wanted a chemistry set like my brothers had. I got a tea party set instead. I wasn't interested in tea parties. When a friend started playing "tea party" with me, I was kind of puzzled. I knew I was physically a girl, but I didn't feel entirely girl. I knew I wasn't a boy and didn't feel like a boy. I often wished I'd been born a boy, but I never identified as male. The most gender-conforming I ever felt was "female-ish." The closest word at the time was "tomboy, " but even that didn't quite fit. That was only about girls horsing around and doing "boy" things and then you were supposed to outgrow that "phase" and blossom into the belle of the ball. And that wasn't me, either.

[kirbycobain]

When I re-came out as a trans man last year, I felt the need to attach the phrase "gender non conforming" to defend myself from the "but you can't be a man" because of this or that feminine trait, which I unfortunately heard way too much of the first time around and convinced myself I must be nonbinary for about 8 years. Being a man with some feminine traits is a hard thing to accept, but I feel so much more at home now than I ever did before