Coming to Terms with Dreams: Growing up, bending genders and Wandering Sons

#Gender #WanderingSon #GenderBender

Seemingly for as long as there has been a line drawn between genders there have been attempts to explain, blur and cross it. Across continents and centuries, there are countless examples of ways people have used fiction to bend and break conceptions of gender from ancient mythology all the way to modern media. Growing up, these kinds of stories helped me imagine different possibilities for myself without getting caught in the complicated reality we live in.

Even though these stories may resonate with trans readers, surprisingly few of these stories center on the experience of transgender characters. Of those few, Takako Shimura’s Wandering Son has won awards and been banned from schools for its empathic depiction of the kinds of issues facing transgender kids. Set in Japan in the mid 2000’s, it’s a series impacted by and in conversation with Japanese LGBT history. Majorly ahead of its time on release, let’s talk about the historical context of the story, where it succeeds, where it fails, and how it differs from more recent depictions in media.

Brief flashing light warning at 12:26 for photosensitive viewers.

0:00 Introduction
1:55 Gender bending myths, legends
7:03 The Takarazuka Revue and You
14:58 Shishunki Bitter Change
18:40 Until I Become Me (Ore ga Watashi ni Naru made)
26:34 Some background and a history lesson
49:20 Wandering Son
1:04:44 A story of high highs and low lows
1:33:32 Bokura no Hentai: Shuu and Marika
1:42:14 Coming to terms with dreams
1:47:36 Outro

🎥: Pixabay and Pexels
🎨: irasutoya
🎶 via DOVA SYNDROME:
青空空港 by かずち
se-no-bi by Noru
Somebody (Prod. Khaim) by Khaim
Coral Ambience by ハヤシユウ
flowers pouring down by shimtone
沁みTIME by 蛍原ゆうき
青空空港 by かずち
Everything has an end. by brightwaltz
The Window Overlooking All Things. by brightwaltz

[joshwi]

I can tell by the title I'm going to cry if I watch this

edit: yep

[flintlocke]

“The window of time to be a high school girl is rapidly closing”

God. I’m a trans gal who didn’t realize that I didn’t like being a guy until I was a young adult, and I constantly feel this grief for a childhood and adolescence that I never got to live. It hurts to think about all the “typical” experiences of the gender I want to embody that I did not and never will get to have for myself. So that line really pierced through me.

[playrthr]

I'm writing this as a cis male of 21 yrs, who originally started watching videos like this so as to better understand what my trans little brother goes through. Growing up in a small mormon town in Utah, there really hasn't been anyone I know of in school or in my life who is trans, so I didn't really have anything to go off of. Videos like this have been a massive help in this regard I think, otherwise I might have brushed off the experience of growing up trans as 'not a big deal'.

Within these videos, and other little happenings in my life, i've started wondering about my own gender and what would make me happy. Ever since I started High School, I focused on doing stage crew for the theatre club. This involves supporting actors in putting on a show, and wearing all black. Ever since I started that, I've replaced 90% of my wardrobe with plain black shirts, black work pants, black shoes, socks, everything. Later on in High School, I grew my hair out, though at the time I did it because my best friend, and fellow stagecrew guy, also had long, very curly hair and I thought that was cool.

As i'm writing this, i'll be turning 21 in mid-june, and despite being separated from high school by a few years now, I still wear my hair long (down to the bottom of my shoulder blades), still wear the same black clothing, and these videos and other media that explore gender seems to have planted a seed in my brain that there could be other reasons why I present myself the way I do, who knows.

All I know is that from what i've seen, this community seems to be very welcoming, and I appreciate that. I know my brother certainly does too.

[Drakus]

I watched the Wandering Son anime back in college after Crunchyroll started aggressively recommending it to me. I was feeling especially depressed one winter night, laying in bed going through my watchlist of random junk I added to just give my brain something to focus on that wasn't my crumbling life around me. When I got to the scene in the first episode when Clair de Lune starts playing over Nitori running through the streets, calling herself disgusting and holding back tears, I started silently crying. I barely noticed until the episode was done, at which point I turned my phone off, rolled over in bed and went to sleep asking myself, "Why do I find these kids so relatable?"

It was the first real, permanent crack in my egg. The first one that didn't just scar back over so I could act like nothing was ever there and I needed to just keep carrying on as I was expected to. It would still be years before I came out as Bi, and a few more years still before I came out as trans.

Wandering Son saved my life. And it is also the reason I will cry everytime I hear the opening of Clair de Lune.

[RubyG]

"gender dysphoria rapidly builds as the window of time to be a highschool girl is rapidly closing."
dam... I relate to that in a very painful way.

[GrandGobboBarb]

The moment you said that Boku no Hentai felt almost as magical to you as the magical influenza stories, I had to laugh and start to cry. Because I was a trans kid a decade earlier in the 1990s, and when I read Wandering Son as a closeted adult it felt as unrealistic and fantastical as the magical genderbending novels. The idea that you could be trans without every single friend turning against you was a fairy tale.

And now I'm an out woman with a trans son whose entire community embraces and accepts him and, just. It's so much. And to see it reflected, someone like Yuki reflecting me, someone like Marika as a gender-flipped version of my son, and hearing someone who relates to what I thought was an overly optimistic depiction just 10 years ago... it's a lot.

Thanks.❤

[HeyBudHowsItGoin]

57:43 “It’s an easy trap to fall into. You keep your head down and you take things one day at a time. Focus on what’s working and don’t think too hard about the future. If those feelings come back up, just ignore them til they go away and hope they don’t come back, even though, as you know, they probably will.”

I don’t want to overshare in the comments section of the funny deer VTuber’s newest video but holy shit that hits.

[duckluiz]

1:27:58 something similar happened with me and my boyfriend when he was figuring out that he is a trans man. During a period of time I struggled with the thought of being a gay man. Turns out I am not a gay man, and maybe not even a man at all. As the time passes, I came out as bisexual, and now I identify as a non-binary person, leaning towards a fem presentation

[WWFanatic]

I had a similar but more NSFW version of that opening question to a friend. Not sure how we got on the topic, but it was about what we'd do if we were in an accident where everything is fine except we lost what was between our legs. I said, with no hesitation, that I'd just live as a woman and to my surprise none of my friends said they'd do the same. It seemed like the logic thing to me. A therapist I saw responded to that anecdote as "So the only reason you don't currently live as a woman is because of your anatomy?" with a slight smirk. We had a good rapport and up to that point I'd talked around being trans a lot but never quite could say to myself, yes, I DO want to be a woman. It was a sort of "gotcha" but in a good way.

It really was wild to me when I pieced it all together and how, no, the vast majority of guys don't think about how great it would be to be turned into a girl...

[PixelAspen]

"These kinds of fantasies are like a warm fire. At a distance and for a time they can be comforting. But if you stay too long or you get too close you are going to get burnt"

To me the most painful part of mangas like Bokura no Hentai is the fact that their families and friends accept them, even going as far as to help them with their transition. Personally I had nothing like that, so reading about it just fills me with a sense of sadness and lose. It is strange thing because stories like this with a happy ending end up hurting me more than those with a bitter one.

[AccelgorTheNinja]

This video really struck me as a trans girl. I wasnt a trans kid, and honestly for what its worth i think ive come to peace with that. Like most trans women, I didnt get a girlhood. I didnt even know that was something i wanted until my 20s. But, seeing that the landscape for acceptance for trans youth is changing and evolving makes me really happy.

[atshorlus]

That part at the end, definitely got to me. When I got to... well the most noticeable part of puberty at the end of high school, I remember laying on the couch in my basement thinking "I guess the boobs aren't coming. Well... maybe next time around, I'll be a girl. Suppose I'll try to make the most of what I've got." When I initially said it, it felt like accepting a prison sentence, but now after transition and making it through all the hell to get here, "Suppose I'll try to make the most of what I've got." feels much more like a declaration, a mission statement, and seeing me in person it definitely shows. I've grown so much in a way I likely would never have if I hadn't been given this course in life, and it's lead me to view others with so much more compassion. Hell, I even hugged the woman who nearly killed me with her truck, because she was visibly quite shaken and I knew that that had to be an awful experience that she'll need to carry with her for the rest of her life too. Wandering Son is something I'd wished I'd seen during it's original runs, since consequently around the same time the anime aired, instead I saw the trans episode of Family Guy and slid back into thinking I was disgusting instead of being human which clung to me for quite a while after coming out even.

[elliart]

I honesty see Yoshino as most well read from a nonbinary perspective. When they come to their realization in the end, the focus is overwhelmingly on how they AREN'T a boy, but not that they ARE a girl, and this seems to be a resignation that deeply upsets them in ways they can't express. They are happy in this space they've found themself in where androgyny is allowed and celebrated, but there's a specific kind of pain associated with the fact that, unlike Suichi, this isn't allowed to be who they ARE, just what they play as. Suichi is a girl and Yoshino is... nothing. There is no third option. In fact, they actually remind me a lot of myself as an agender person, just with a sadder conclusion.

[elliart]

Banning Wandering Son and NOT Inside Mari in public buildings designed for minors is a TAKE. /neg

[ragcat]

As a transmasc person who similarly felt conflicted when reading/watching wandering son, I agree with pretty much everything said here and I think it also made me appreciate wandering son for what it is. This video was like a warm blanket thank you ❤

[cebuwu]

While I think calling Wandering Son actively transphobic is a stretch, there's an undeniable bitterness I feel when I got to the ending of this manga a few years ago. It's great that you and other trans people felt seen and heard through Shu's story and your interpretation of the scene where Yoshino says they no longer want to be a man is appreciated but personally it left a sour taste in my mouth especially with how often trans masc and men aren't taken seriously. You mentioned how Yoshino's masculinity is never rejected but also never affirmed and this just feels like another twist of the knife in that regard, with how little depictions of trans masculinity there are to begin with.
It would be nice if later down the line they ended up finding their way into manhood after all, but as of right now the story's conclusion they haven't and it feels, at best, insulting.

[millythompsonfromtrigunanime]

I’m a 17 year old, approaching 18 this year, who struggles with authenticity towards my queer friends due to an outwardly transphobic home environment, where I’ve had to shelter my feelings and lie to my parents my whole life. I have hardly a means to express myself as a girl, and your video has inspired me to keep pursing this path towards otherwise. Towards having the blessed, warped outside. Thank you for sharing this art, talking about your own experiences and perspectives, and giving me hope <3

[nickneal]

I like your reading of Yoshino. I always saw myself reflected in his struggles. I wanted to be a boy but I gave it up because I didn't think it was possible, literally didn't know that transition existed until years later (I lived in the South in a time it 'wasn't talked about'). Many years later I had to make the choice to exist as man no matter what the world thought or not exist at all. I cried like that so many times while I desperately tried to feel like a woman because I felt there was no other choice but the few times I ever felt like a woman it felt like I was living in a horror movie. If I'd had a route to manhood in childhood, puberty blockers and then hrt at a young age and a supportive system, I would have been spared a lot of trauma. I personally always felt that Yoshino would someday decide to take those same steps I did, late but still there. I am so thankful that these days options are more available for other people like me so they can have the support they need.

[RespectableRick]

I was like "Wait, why is Yoshino being referred to with she/her-" and then I got war flashbacks to that God awful ending oml 😭 I forgot they did that to them, transmascs really can't have

[poplaysgames]

There's a glaring difference between the experiences of Shu and Yoshino that may partly explain why Yoshino kept struggling to find and accept their identity.

Shu, to varying extents, had support and acceptance from her female peers, who, sharing a gender identity, she could identify with.

Yoshino did not. Their only support came from women and girls.

Perhaps if Yuki hadn't been so traumatized by her childhood as to have socially cut herself off from almost everyone else, she might have been involved with a wider transgender community, and been able to introduce Yoshino to (other?) trans men, but without that opportunity to see themselves in others, outside of the relatively safe and acceptable niche of 'tomboy' (which unfortunately has an expiry date), with no-one to look up to, admire, emulate, /and identify with/ (as Shu could with Yuki), Yoshino remains isolated, lost, and without direction.

Ultimately, understanding both ourselves and others enough to confidently /be/, or project our understanding into fiction, requires reflection, which is only possible when we have the opportunity to compare and contrast ourselves with those both like and unlike ourselves.

As someone who realised they were trans much later in life, while I can empathise with what Shu goes through, as a trans woman myself, I also recognise the feelings and isolation, even among others, that Yoshino experiences. My fleeting, but much deeper friendships with cis girls and then women, and almost complete lack of any (outside of mutual defense against bullying) with cis boys/men, are what kept me questioning, but it wasn't until I was exposed to other trans women through tumblr and twitter that I recognised myself in them and escaped the closet.

As someone who has made a similar journey myself, I'd have to say that if anyone is the Wandering Son, it is Yoshino.

-

(There's also the possibility that the author unconsciously wrote her own internalized transphobia, and feelings of dysphoria at having to consider transgender experiences, into the two characters. And so, identifying with another woman, even a trans one, could better empathise with Shu's need to find, center, and express herself, while being unable to write Yoshino as anything other than confused and vacillating, blocked by a both a subconscious disgust at the thought of /herself/ becoming a man, and a lack of understanding of what it would feel like to be a man that society sees as a woman.

That, or the almost complete lack of non-binary representation from which to draw from, prevented an alternative writing of Yoshino as explicitly non-binary, /and/ in world, at that time, any means for them to understand themselves as non-binary.)