The 3 Covert Contracts Of Nice Guys | Dr Robert Glover

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[christopherwanamaker]

Yeah I used to be this way for the first 30 years of my life and then I figured it out and I stopped being the nice guy who cared about everyone else more than myself who always tried to take the moral high ground. Now I'm all about equalness and fairness on everything with everyone and I don't care about hurting other peoples thoughts, feelings, and opinions!

[rSNkZRu]

I think the crucial aspect isn’t to stop doing good things for people, but to lose the sense of entitlement that breeds resentment. You do good despite knowing that shitty things might still happen to you even if you try your best. You’re not guaranteed to succeed if you try, but you’re guaranteed to fail if you don’t.

[dstern]

Ugh, the truth hurts! As a perennial nice guy trying to temper the monsters within, I wish you all good luck in your life's journey!

[adamburton]

This summarizes my life between about university and five years into my career. Had loads of unwritten rules that I'd set myself and other people. It never works. I used to think why do people treat me like shit when I do nothing wrong? Turns out being "nice" translates into negative outcomes. I do think there is a time and place for it but I'd not call it nice, it's more good. It's a put down to me now when I hear people say it but it is far less frequent than it used to be.

[helektar]

You won't be frustrated, if your goal is to be good, not to win something by being a good guy. That's the mindset of a good (not a nice) guy - I'm one of the best, I'll help people, and I'm making the world better this way. Someday you will find yourself with many friends around and the good, loyal and loving woman. One, but THE one.

The world is cruel, but there are good people. And you are that one-single man, responsible for that cruelty around you. Be one, who is powerful enough, to be good - because you don't need to be powerful to be bad.

[alexfowler]

Read 'No More Mr.Nice Guy' by Dr. Glover. It's a good read and opens up your eyes if you're a nice guy.

[zephsmith]

Very related to "unnegotiated expectations".

[vbj]

Nice (good) guys (girls) are people pleasers. They have an ulterior motive to be liked by others at the expense of their own needs which they don’t communicate for fear of having them rejected. This is why they become resentful when their needs aren’t met or their efforts aren’t appreciated.

[Uthorous]

The covert contract mentality is a terrible way to do things be upfront about what you expect. A covert contract mentality will always lead to internal corruption because of the exact things he mentions. Don't remain quiet and always, "nice". Be unreasonable with what's important. That will ensure that your desires are known. Or you will be walked on, dismissed and if you are good at doing things it will always be on you all the time to bail every user out that is surrounding you.

[da]

Being nice is overrated

Be kind instead

Don’t say yes to things you’re not into

[soccom]

As an clinically diagnosed autistic person in counselling, I can say that covert expectations are everywhere. It's not just "nice guys" or any specific label.

We need to be honest, curious and empathetic about each other to have real communication.

[uncletrashero]

everybody IS supposed to know this contract exists, but everybody CHOOSES to break the contract in favor of THEMSELVES. thats how we invented and defined the word SELFISHNESS. come join this milenia of philosophy please.

[SuperSeaanemone]

No. 3 is directly stems from the erroneous assumption that the universe has inherent meaning. In reality we are the Creators of meaning. The thresholds are either met, or not met.

[curtmastor]

I just started recognizing this and refrain from trying to “save” or even help people. At most I offer, and do what I can when they ask. But fuck being a martyr anymore.

[woo]

I don’t see how the nice guy is wrong. Sure you can be direct, but it’s not like people respond to that well either

[TheHelladood]

Why wouldn't a good guy, IN THIS WORLD, be liked and loved? The actual problem is when u then see total shitbags being liked and loved, that's where the resentment comes from. If you are acting right, your life SHOULD BE SMOOTHER as a logical, natural consequence. If you are a good guy...that is RARE, and it is VALUABLE, deserving of appreciation...so, when the OPPOSITE HAPPENS, against the grain of natural consequences, logic...cause and effect... common sense...when you see absolute shit bags, literal psychopaths and abusers...villains...when u see them being rewarded and appreciated, it certainly can lead to resentment, yeah.

[anthonywilliams]

No, never help, never approach. Not worth it.

[edgarstaskans]

People are selfish, they don't care about the good things people do. Being a good guy only works if you do it for your family.

[freepat]

I have a pretty long standing covert contract with my abs, a lot of resentment too. Fortunately, I haven’t seen them since I was 26….

[alansarthou]

If you are a good guy, u do good and never expect anything in return. If you expect good from others in return (at any level of belief) you r not doing good, it's called lying to yourself.
Being good is never easy to achieve; it takes a lot of perseverance and will.