What To Do When You Mess Up (Attachment Healing)

[Dd]

Ugh. Apologizing (unconsciously) as manipulation. I love the advice to deny the impulse to fawn/placate. Taking a beat to think "something went wrong here - my reaction (although inappropriate) didn't come from nowhere. Maybe at the same time as I apologize (if warranted at all), I might also offer some info to help my partner, help me, feel better in the future". I have been so prone to fawning in my life, and the realization that your needs, AND my needs matter, has been profound. The process of rupture and repair, and meeting each other where we're at (instead of sweeping under the rug), are vital and powerful steps towards security.

[somilaify]

Wow, this has been beyond helpful. In the absence of therapy (which I can't afford at the moment), watching Heidi's content (for the past 3 months since I discovered the channel) has translated to so much internal understanding and trauma healing for me. The journey has been truly enlightening, thanks Heidi!!

[Dd]

Have you made a video on anger? I would love to hear you talk specifically about anger. I am a massive "fawner" and have disowned my anger for most of my life because my father's anger dominated my household as a child. Maybe a video about how to use anger productively, or improve your relationship with anger? Learn to value it? I am on my way, but would love some encouragement.

[havcola]

"If you know in your gut that you're kind of out of control of that response it's probably a lie to tell someone that you're going to do things differently in the future"

Oof, I kind of missed this on my first viewing of this video as you moved on to the next part pretty immediately, but this is one hell of a consideration. It's absolutely right. And really useful, because when I (who is anxiously attached) end up in a fawn response there's sometimes no stopping me from promising everything at whatever cost to myself. But the knowledge that in doing so I would probably be _lying_ just might.

[AthenaIsabella]

Once again… the timing is amazing. I have officially messed up and now having to deal with the reality and how to move forward. Thank you!!

[patricktherrien]

My traumas (and how I’ve dealt with them) has ruined my marriage. Wish I could have heard this months ago. Although I do believe my marriage ending is a necessary step to my healing. You know, having to hit rock bottom

[tessallations]

What's 'funny' is that I used to not understand trigger warnings and that being triggered just wasn't something that happened to me. It was noticing a bit more that after each virtual meeting with my coworkers I spent the next hour or two daydreaming and not being able to focus that I had a slight aha moment, or when I became so angry at injustice that I felt rage coursing through my veins and realizing this might not be normal. Learning more and more what it means to be triggered and how to ground myself again.

[theladyamalthea]

You have the actual best channel on Attachment Theory and Healing. You are helpful to me! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

[danduncan]

Heidi, I don't know what I would do without you. It is a new experience to hear this stuff without the shame that is much more familiar. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[musiklyfe]

All of the videos I've watched thus far have been extremely beneficial to myself or to my relationship. But this particular one here as my significant other is a fearful avoidant, this is a gold mine in our healing process. We share videos with each other all the time that we think will help each other, and your videos have definitely been beneficial. Thank you Heidi. Much love to you and what you do❤

[ArtistBentley]

I absolutely love your channel and am learning so much about myself!
Sadly, also recognizing it will take years to work on all this… well, at 65, it is obviously not something I am likely to be over these soundings in this lifetime. Certainly not in time to cultivate a securely attached relationship, or to fix the damage already done to others. I am and will learn to be better with all this info I’m listening to, but it’s obviously too late for me. Thanks for helping me get a handle on myself at least.
Oh, and spot on about apologies! However, that does require the other person to be able to hear the actual words without inserting their own meanings, judgements, and taking it personally; IE: a healthy, self-actualized, and secure operating individual. None of my relationships have been with that healthy of an individual, nor would one be likely to choose someone with the issues I have.

[JennaPalmerioo]

this video is amazing, as always. I don't understand why you don't have more subscribers

[beezd]

The way these lectures resonate with me।
Like you are hitting all the black holes in my knowledge
Thankyou so much

[beverlytaylor]

Hello Heidi 🌻 You're so appreciated. Saying "thank you" pales in comparison with how much you've helped me, but I thank you and consider your channel a blessing.

[marinapro]

This is the best video and explanation ever! If we don't have this in mind, we would just place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and other people and will never get out of the drama in the relationship

[jared]

So halfway through I can tell that I still have a lot of anger to process. My natural reaction is to get defensive at a few points in this video, which shows exactly where I can focus my attention on first. I struggle with my situation where I have no choice but to have some deeply personal boundaries violated in extremely triggering ways. However this shouldn’t be used as an excuse for my aggressive behavior. I appreciate you shedding some light and offering a more healthy perspective on this

[annemarrie]

Wow thanks for this Heidi, I had really been requesting this
Also can we just take a moment to appreciate your uploading speed..whoah Videos everyday so far

[abbywoolfson]

Fantastic information. You speak slowly and clearly explaining information. (I'm m likely your mother's age). You do a terrific job!! Im not trying to be exceptionally nice. It's a genuine compliment. ❤

[jamespetersen]

After watching so many of Heidi’s videos I’m feeling “attached” 😁. Been super helpful along with my 12 step CoDA work 🙏🏼

[jeff]

Thank you Heidi,
This is exactly the kind of encouragement and assurance that I need since I've currently embarked the journey of healing...