Debunking Asexual and Aromantic Myths with Alice Oseman! (AD)

I'm joined by Alice Oseman to look at some misconceptions about asexuality and aromanticism!
Find Alice here:

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Talks, presentations, panels and Q&As allow for an in depth look at a topic or issue. I can deliver solo talks on a specific topic and/or moderate or sit on group panels. I have previously spoken on topics including:

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Help us caption & translate this video!

[amandamarinovich]

Isn't it odd/ironic that our society can be both super uptight about sexuality, pretending it doesn't exist in a lot of ways, and yet super uncomfortable with the idea of asexuality?! People are weird lol

[ZeinaIan]

I find men attractive the same way I find a painting attractive. It can be beautiful and Mesmerising but all I want to do is look and not touch. 😆

[TiBunCosplay]

I've had people who, after finding out I'm asexual, assume that I was just a "good god-fearing christian girl" and tell me that they were so proud that I was "waiting until marriage with the right man God has picked out for me". sure, lets ignore the fact that I'm also biromantic, nonbinary, atheist, and have, in fact, had sex with the person I've been dating for years. sure. yup.

[dragonetafireball]

If asexuals get any rep it’s usually not adapted RIP ace-aro Jughead.

[rainstorm]

The number of times people, even some of my best friends, have asked me "why do you think sex is bad?"... I can't even count. I DO NOT THINK SEX IS BAD, I just don't want it. "why not?" because I don't want it. It's super frustrating and I've spent at least 10 years of my life agonizing over trying to answer those questions (do I secretly think sex is bad? is there shame I haven't decolonized from my brain? why don't I want it? am I 1000% sure that I don't want it?) and honestly doubting myself like that is exhausting and I'm sick of it.

[IceFireofVoid]

Bugs me people won’t let us keep Spongebob because of stereotypes. The show/character creator said explicitly Spongebob is not gay, he’s asexual, and he is never intended to have romance as part of his character either. But when Nickelodeon listed Spongebob as part of the LGBT+ without specifying what identity, people jumped on the idea that he is gay. Or bi. And won’t even allow for aroace interpretation. If they let him be ace, people insist he’s also gay or biromantic. Just because he is affectionate and flamboyant.

I think people don’t realize that being aro/ace doesn’t prevent you from expressing affection. Ace/aro people can be openly affectionate in many ways and just not associate a sexual/romantic connotation to those gestures. For example, Spongebob in the Valentine’s Day episode giving gifts to his friends, his way of celebrating the day dedicated to love, because there are other types of love than just romantic love.

[hushofnight]

Rowan is really out here *consistently* putting the British education system to shame with these videos.

[jessicabraud]

For a few years, I actually did think I was asexual. I identified as panromantic ace. Then I got a boyfriend. We were just comfortable with each other and once we got really close, I realized that I began to have a more sexual attraction towards him. It really confused me, and then I found out about demisexuality. I think it's really important for there to be more representation out there for people to see. We need to normalize all of this in society. A lot of people put a lot of pressure on relationships and sex when it isn't as important as the media portrays it. Just do what makes you comfortable. Stay safe, everyone <3

[racheln]

I had a therapist tell me being asexual meant something was wrong with me, that I should socialize more and get into a “normal, heterosexual relationship” (her words, emphasizing “normal” and “heterosexual”). I wonder how many others that same counselor made feel as if they were damaged.

[thebreeoche]

I'm alloaro (i experience sexual attraction but not romantic attraction) and a big time myth I'd like to see die is that we are inherently predatory because of our identity. In media the idea of not looking for romantic relationships but being into sex/sexual activities is usually reserved for characters who are very bad people, or at least assholes, and also often a trait given to villains ("I am not voldemort" is a thing I've often heard as a kind of slogan in our community) and shown as an inherently toxic trait. The idea that being alloaro makes you a bad person is so pervasive that I've even seen it coming from other asexual and aromantic people.

I want to see aromantic characters who are polyamorous (like me), I want to see aromantic characters who are not evil for still wanting sexual relationships, I want to see aromantic characters who are not somehow "lesser than" for their lack of romantic attraction. People like me aren't monsters, we're just people, but the way we're represented denies our humanity. It's really gross. I've been (and still am!) in multiple long-term, healthy relationships and the idea that my aromanticism makes me somehow a bad person needs to stop.

[garnetcookley]

the horror podcast "the magnus archives" has a biromantic asexual protagonist if anyone's interested! (it's very good)

[mimmikibilly]

Personally, I've always been a bit annoyed that in every movie I watched there had to be a sex or kissing scene. In some movies they are important and relevant to the plot, but they're usually so random that it looks more like fanservice than anything. I never felt represented despite not knowing what my sexuality was (I can't pinpoint what I am but I know that it's between grey and demi) even as a kid. Not all relationships must revolve around sex, and it's also a shame how most friendships in media are treated like there needs to be a love interest at the core of them. This is what I'm tired of seeing, and it would be really cool if more platonic relationships were portrayed in media as a whole imo. I'm learning a lot about different sexualities, so thank you for playing a big role in my education.

[LenaPresents]

Therapists: Where do you imagine yourself in 20 years?
Me: Living in a city apartment with my cat.
Bad therapist: 😟 Isn't that lonely?
Good therapist: You can do it!

[elisac]

This video almost brought me to tears. It took me over 30 years to finally come to the conclusion that I'm asexual.
It was a whole life of confusion, frustration and self loathing. I forced myself into relationships because it looked inevitable, I had partners gaslight me and make me feel guilty and broken; I had a medical professional not only never mention asexuality but (I kid you not) offer to "have sex with me as a teaching experience" (no, I didn't accept but also I didn't report him, because I didn't realise how inappropriate that was).
I went through thinking I was sick, thinking I was maybe a closeted lesbian, thinking I was actually pan because I felt the same towards everyone (that is, I felt no attraction). I ended up in a healthy, caring ace relationship and then I started realising that I was probably also aromantic. I was so stressed out and horrified that I could barely sleep and I had constant stomach pain.
By now, I've come to terms with being ace but I still struggle with aromanticism. Myth seven, as the video put it. I still feel like I've lost something essential, this beautiful thing that poets and artists obsessed about since the dawn of time. It's a shitty feeling, to believe you're missing a piece, but I'm working on it.
I would have appreciate a comment on the fact that the LGBTQ+ community often excludes aroace people because "they're not struggling like us", "they're not discriminated", "They can pass as hetero". Belonging to the community shouldn't be a competition for who got screwed over by cis-het society the most. We lived through experiences very similar to those of gay, bi, trans, etc. people. Why can't we all support each other?

[Charlotte-hvll]

I would love to see an asexual character try to figure out/discover different ways to be 'intimate' (and what this means to them) with their partner. Because sex isn't the only form of intimacy. I think it's an empowering journey to go on with a partner (or partners) to figure out what you do and do not like and it what makes that they see their relationship as more then/different from a friendship.

[NzDk]

Oh wow. I really needed this video. I’m just now - at 25 - coming to terms with my sexuality. I’ve been clinging to the "late bloomer"-myth because I didn’t really know what it meant to be and feel... different than my friends and society at large. I’ve been really overwhelmed looking up information and this video has been so so so helpfull. I’m really looking forward to reading Loveless. Thank you. 💙

[charlotte]

As an ace lesbian the thrill I felt at the phrase “as an ace lesbian” was HUGE, I love this video it’s so important and also a great watch

[Respectable_Username]

Re ace umbrella characters I want to see: An ace person who's _not_ aro but really scared about finding a partner who'll love them and will also be cool with not having sex. Like when do you bring them up in the partner hunt? Ok, I just really want to see somebody else figure it out so I can learn from them 😅

[claytongriffith]

I want to ace representation of normal people because again a lot of the scifi and fantasy ace tropes make it feel like this inhuman thing. I would also love ace rep of POCs and traditionally masculine and/or jockish males because the experiences of these peoples and their bodies tend to often be depicted with a strong link to sex or through a very sexualized lens.

[michellem]

The media myth is one reason why I’m glad Disney has been taking a break from romance stories and focusing on stories about themes like family, and friendship, and figuring out who you are and what you want in life… it’s been refreshing