It’s Been 2 Years Now, Why Is It Still Bothering You, They Said #$h^tTherapistsSay

It’s Been 2 Years Now, Why Is It Still Bothering You, They Said #$h^tTherapistsSay //

We polled our "Mended Light" community for terrible advice given to them by therapists, and one thing that was said by a therapist is, "It's been two years. Why is it still bothering you?" Now, even having no context for why a therapist would say that, here's the thing, we've all gone through some hard things in life. Watch this video to see how therapist reacts to this bad advice.

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[erint]

After my first serious relationship after coming out it took me a long time to move on, and I remember being upset once and my mum just looked at me and said "you really loved her, didn't you." And I said "yes", and that's how my mum validated my feelings and made me feel like she understood it wasn't a 'faze' or anything wierd or odd, it was so powerful and loving and I wish everyone had mums like mine 🥰

[jessicavallee]

Thankfully my therapist has never said this to me but I remember feeling shocked and punched in the gut when people I thought were close to me asked "Are you thinking of getting remarried?" not even a few months after my husband died.
Whatever you say to a person, or ask a person who is grieving, DON'T ASK THAT. Just sit with a grieving individual and accept whatever comes out of their mouth.

[s.beccari]

You can tell from the way she looks at him that she loves him...

[linktomario]

I once had a therapist tell me to "get used to suffering" when I talked about reproductive problems (he was a guy, I'm a girl) and when I mentioned I didn't want kids and was sick of everyone around me telling me to change my mind he started defending motherhood, ending with the line "It is the greatest joy in life" like thaaaanks, I've never heard that one before 🙄

[lilyofthevalley]

I was bullied for 6 years. It's been 9 years since it stopped completely (bullies began to grow bored between the fifth and the sixth year since I kind of just stopped reacting to anything in their eyesight). You can still see the effects that had on me (low self-esteem, awkwardness in social situations, fear/uncertainty in speaking with people, etc.). Healing takes time and you need to actually admit you have a problem to fix it. You could begin counting the years of healing from the moment you realized you had a problem. In that case, I've been healing for under a year.

[karenbradley]

You guys couldn't have dropped this video at a better time. I just dumped a counselor I was seeing to help me process a toxic situation I recently got out of that went on for years. After only 5 sessions they got impatient and snapped at me that I needed to "move on and focus on the present."

Hearing you say this is a lousy thing to tell a patient years after an experience given my trauma is still relatively fresh was really affirming. Thank you so much.

[LadyKapow]

One major thing that made me avoid expressing myself and grieving in the presence of others was that everyone kept trying to give me solutions and telling me to move on - I finally spoke up about it and told my loved ones "When I am expressing grief, I don't want solutions. I don't need you to try to 'fix it'. What I need is for you to echo me. If I say 'This is awful', I need to hear 'That is awful.' I am allowed to be sad and grieve when the wave of grief crashes over me. Please, let me be sad - let me grieve."
It truly has changed everything. So now when someone expresses grief, I listen carefully, then look at them and gently say "Wow, that is terrible and must be extremely painful." And without fail I can see in their face that they feel seen and heard. I never try to give solutions unless requested. It has done amazing things in all my relationships.

[jewel]

I had a newborn son pass away at Children's Hospital after a long string of miscarriages. After he passed my MIL called me and said it is time to move on. That same week was my daughter's birthday and my parents always gave her a party. I had my terminal son by cesearean section and I was in bed sleeping and my dad called and said to get over to their home. All within a week of my son dying and recovering from a major surgery. When I said I wasn't going my dad hung up on me.

[FREAKOFNATURE-mboo]

This hits home- but I never heard it from my therapist (she still takes my issues seriously, thank goodness) but it seems to apply to how my mom treats it- my mom and sister both have Bipolar disorder and I'm one of the only people in my family who doesn't have it. My sister also has bpd so that just makes all the focus go on her- and while I do care about that, I've also been traumatized and isolated for years because of my experiences. It doesn't help that I was repeatedly bullied _in my own home_ by my sister, with her occasionally tackling me while I just sit down and take the heat- waiting for my mom to come pry her off me. That's why I like it better when my mom has a friend or a boyfriend staying over. It helps me feel connected to another person, because being in a home with 2 people who invalidate you is just as bad as living alone.

[louisejohnson]

I'm 61 now, but a psychologist said something to me when I was 19 that has stuck with me. It was my first, and last, meeting with this man, so I was filling him in on the physical, mental, and sexual abuse, that I had experienced in my life. After listening, his conclusion was that my biggest hurtle to get past was the fact that I was still a virgin at 19. I just stared at him for a couple of beats, then stood up, gathered my purse and coat, and left. Had I been more confident, I would have reported him to his governing body, but I was a still a kid. At least I knew the guy was 20kg of shit in a 10kg bag. I'd hate to think this guy may have gotten his claws into others.

[C-SD]

A big one is grieving a childhood you didn't have, or relationships with family that you never had. For some reason people don't think that should take grieving.

[Estertje]

I just sort of healed from something that happened 22 years ago, it was never going to heal on it's own. Good therapists are a miracle.

[mallisaunders]

I don't offer advice. I just love them and make them soup or cookies. Everyone's journey is their own. The best things that were done or said to me when I miscarried and then found out we would not be able to have children were this: 1. Some friends who had also recently lost a baby (miscarriage at 5 months, super rough) just made a pot of dumpling soup and brought it over. We hugged and cried together. Another friend told me that her mom (who had recently passed away to cancer) would take care of my baby in heaven. We cried together also. It does not surprise me that the best responses were not advice and were from those who had also had recent loss.

[Jeunee]

I’ve experienced some very traumatic events in my life. When I’ve met others who have gone through the same things, I always say, “no one understands this pain like other survivors of it. It’s ok for you to feel everything you are feeling right now. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not. Take the time you need to heal.” I had this happen with a cashier at a hallmark a year after she and I both survived a massive natural disaster. We had never met before and we made small talk while she was ringing up my items and she brought it up. I told her I was also a survivor but at the time we said “victim.” When I told her this. She got tearful and said. “Thank you! I can’t talk to anyone because they don’t get it!” I said, “I know. No understands what we’re all through because they haven’t experienced it. I’m so sorry. It’s very hard and lonely because other people can’t relate but there are a lot of us hiding behind the ‘I’m ok mask.’ It’s ok to not be ok at times and to grieve.” She asked if she could give me a hug and thanked me a few more times before I left.
I had some one say to me once, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” I responded, “that’s perfect. Just say ‘I’m sorry’ and leave it at that. Sometimes the more people talk, the worse it makes survivors feel. We just want compassion. 💞

[emmaothorell]

When I was 18 and my dad died very suddenly of cancer followed closely by all my grandparents, I remember one or two people told my mom that "if you need help, just ask". She asked but then stopped asking. No one seemed to understand how humiliating it feels to ask for help when you're down, how much it takes out of you to even ask. So I'd say just be there for the person who's grieving. Don't ask them if they need anything bc they're drowning and they probably just want to isolate - which is the worst thing you can do when you're hurting. Just go over to them, help them with stuff, listen, hold them if they need it. Don't be scared that you don't know what to say. Just listen and be there.

[byuftbl]

Another thing is 2 years may feel like a LONG time to a person who didn’t go through it….but to the person that did, two years ago can still feel like 2 months ago.
The thing I’m currently healing from happened almost two years ago but for me it seems like it was only less than a year ago and it’s hard to believe it’s been two years.
So telling someone “you should be over it” even two years later is like telling them they should get over it in the weeks following the incidence.

[MorgynGreyWolfASMR]

I may not have a therapist tell me this but i had a friend in high school a few months after my sister was still born say this. It was more "uhg just get over it already" and she said this in the middle of a class we had together. I realized many things when she said that to me one being that she was not a true friend. It still burt and i almost burst into tears.

Edit: its been 8 years now and im still not "over it". Nor do i see myself ever being "over it". Ive dealt with it in many ways at first it was through writing poetry about her. Now its talking to a doll a have that to me feels like it looks like her. At times its sitting in a corner hugging the Dall crying, or rocking and singing to her. I have asked for hugs from her when i really need her and I can actually feel her spirit giving me a hug.

[applepie]

The most recent death in my family was my last grandparent. She was in her 90s and everyone saw it coming two weeks before. I remember at her funeral the whole family obviously felt very sad but also a sense of peace. She had quite a few health issues that at the end all ganged up on her. I remember her being my biggest cheerleader. She was always frustrated that I couldn’t find a nice guy to be with. I attracted jerks. She passed away about a month before I met my husband. That is something that still hurts.

[Gwenx]

I started seeing a therapist because my mental health and memories started hurting very bad..
I don't think i ever allowed myself to grief my childhood, because when i talk about it i get shot down by family, and the partners i had would always tell me "its been XX amount of years now, try to move on and forget it, you cant change it anyways" but i always end up like a ticking bomb, exploding any moment something reminds me of the hurt or the memories...
I was never allowed to grief the loss of control, my dad not being there, the love and security that wasn't there, my mom choosing to work instead of being with me and so on.
To many previous partners these things where, small problems and something i should have been tough enough to have handled, and now should move on from so we could get a nice life together, and if it took not talking to my family that was fine with them.. No support.
Thanks, i guess i know why i cry so much about "stupid stuff" as i say to my therapist, he is the safe space where i can grief.

[VioletEmerald]

I think one of the biggest things that people don't realize is not just that not all breakups are equal. Some breakups are just disappointment or a minor sad thing that happens but you are fine. Other times they are truly traumatic events to process.