The Worst Things About Not Having Cancer

Feel weird about this one, of course. Like, obviously I am extremely happy...but also very nervous. It's so weird when you're like googling like "This could be cancer, but it probably isn't" and then IT IS. Now every slightly weird blood test or strange abdominal pain is a shadow of that. But the anxiety is only a part of it...and the other parts are much weirder.

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[lostchips]

Hank you got cancer like, 6 months after my aunt did. She had pancreatic cancer and passed away last summer. I couldn't watch your videos because of my negative emotions and I also felt a lot of guilt for feeling those negative emotions about you, a person I have watched for now over a decade and a person I greatly admire and highly esteem. Grappling with the fact that fairness does not exist and that sometimes we don't know why we get sick is very difficult given the culture and other forces that teach us that health is our individual responsibility.

Feelings are hard. I'm still sad my aunt is dead everyday and I don't know when I'll stop.

[Rachel-lqsc]

My friend has a type of ovarian cancer that grows slowly and does not respond well to chemo. She had chemo and surgery and is in remission, which most people treat as cancer being “over.” But she has chronic pain and long term effects from treatment akin to people with chronic illnesses. It also has a good chance of coming back at some point. We spend a lot of time talking about how invisible the difficulties after cancer are and how symptoms like long term pain management and quality of life are deprioritized by medicine because, hey, you’re alive aren’t you? Especially for women and other marginalized groups.

[Gardeningchristine]

I had a dr tell me that there’s a big difference between pain and suffering. Pain is a signal that tells you that something is wrong, suffering is the emotional response to the pain, and can be worse than the pain itself. I needed to hear that to manage my suffering better, because the pain wasn’t as bad as my mind made it feel.

[priah]

'fighting hard to stay alive' vs 'just being alive'
similar thing happens every time a poor person gets a high paying steady job or increased societal support structures or otherwise escapes from that survival mode. with many similar traumas manifesting.

[onlymaimi]

You have put into words how PTSD has felt for me. Everyone around you sees that you're in a better place(in this case health-wise) and you're having anxiety about it.

I think a lot of people who've been through trauma can relate. I know I can.

Thank you for being so open about your life and your experience, it can be a difficult thing to share. Thank you.

[outof_simshead]

0:48 "as treatments are getting more powerful" makes it sound like the treatments are a fantasy villain. Along the same vain as "The Treatments continue to grow more powerful, my Lord. We must not continue to lay idle."

[whiskerstherock]

The thing about not getting your body back is not talked about enough! My mum had chemo and a double mastectomy at 55, we thought that meant her chest would change but it’s so much more! It’s been 6 years, but she was always super active and ‘young for her age’ but she aged ten years in that one year, she got osteoporosis from chemo which meant that when she slipped on a hike she fractured her spine. Her skin is older and thinner and she gets cuts more easily. She gets tired faster. Her chest hasn’t just changed but she’s had multiple follow up operations to fix scar tissue issues and other complications that have nothing to do with the cancer itself.

We’re so thankful that she is 100% cancer free thanks to these treatments, but I was with her at every doctor’s appointment and the fact that she would never have her old body back was never addressed. The framing was always that chemo isn’t a good time but it was always framed as temporary, and it should have been talked about more.

[mrtrashcat]

I've been in remission from leukemia for over 2 years, and I've felt a lot of what you describe here. Thank you for calling attention to how weird this period of time is

[wzdew]

I know that feeling of being cared for and then cast out into the void. I get it a lot when I'm having CPTSD flashbacks. It can be terrifying. Being a survivor requires its own kind of treatment. Peace is never a certainty, but I set a place for it anyway. I hope you have more peaceful days than not.

[itscaseydilla]

I've never had cancer, but I've been navigating chronic illness for a few years now and SO much of this resonated with me. Panicking over any new symptom, waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering if part of you was left behind when you got sick- all things I've felt but didn't know how to put into words. Thank you for sharing this!

[scuttlefield]

Your description sounds remarkable like recovery from addition: you're never "really" done, there's a decent chance of relapse especially early on, going through detox/rehab you come out a different person and it can really change your interests, who you want to hang out with, what you want to do with your life, etc. (apologies if others have already said this...)

[kaseyquickshot]

hope this isn't oversharing but last year The Big Sad made me do something unwise that put me in the hospital for a few days. There were so many emotions, especially when I began to recover cause I wanted OUT of there but once I was released, I had that whole big 'turn my life around' moment. While it's now somewhat faded, I'm in therapy and revaluating things I thought I knew about me and overall just glad to still be alive. Glad we're still here man. Keep fighting! :)

[joshuambean]

I don't mean for this comment to come across as snarky or that I'm trying to co-opt the conversation.

But as someone who has had their entire life ripped apart by a chronic illness (ME/CFS, Long COVID, POTS, MCAS, Polycythemia, Hypothyroidism, sleep apnea, anxiety, and depression all at once) I find it really hard when I hear people talk about their cancer treatment. First I think it's amazing the amount of care and support that people with cancer get. They deserve that care, it's important, and I want that to continue.

But then to sit on the Facebook support groups for all the illnesses I have and see person after person, talking about how our doctors don't believe us, won't treat us, we get referrals denied all the time, if we do get a referral accepted the wait times can be 2-4 years before an appointment. And then you do get an appointment that you waited 2 years for and it's less than 5 minutes long and you're dismissed and left feeling uncared for and still very much in need of care.

I see leading researchers in our field talking about how their funding is denied so they can't continue their research (ME/CFS is one of the least funded, by a considerable margin, illnesses compared to the number of people that it impacts).

And so the reality at the end of the day is that I feel a lot of jealousy and anger towards cancer treatment. Again I fully think that people with cancer deserve that treatment. But I can't help but scream at the top of my lungs that so do we! Why is my life any less valuable because I have these illnesses as compared to someone who has cancer. It's just not fair.

[lindascott]

Also just went thru cancer, on my second year after treatment. Thank you, this was so very helpful.

You and John are National Treasures. Please keep doing astounding things that make the world a better place ❤

[rowandoyle]

I had this with psychiatric health stuff, you're being cared for and on a schedule for so long that when you're done, it feels very strange if you don't have something else to structure your life. I especially feel you on the last point - I'm not who I was before going through all of this. I think I'm better now that I've gotten help, but it's definitely different

[awildmeggyappears]

after an internal illness, (cancer, chronic illness, etc...), it can be hard (for a while, or maybe forever) to read and trust your interpretation of your own body and knowledge... theres a lot of struggle to trust yourself, a lot of questioning of yourself, your team, your life, did i do this? how did this happen? am i over reacting? am i missing something? was that always a lump there? i feel fine, dont i? Its so important to talk about the experience, especially when sometimes its expected that "well you're in remission so things are okay now" from those around you. thanks for sharing yours, Hank.

[HardcoreRock]

Seeing you go through Hodgkin's has been so mind blowing to me. I'm turning 30 this year, but I got diagnosed when I was 19. I feel like it's taken me years to process, and truly come to terms to what it's done to my mental and body. Thanks for putting those feelings out there, and putting them into words.

[ckellyisme]

I love that you and Grace have each other through this. I remember when Grace made her first video about her diagnosis and less than 2 minutes in she said something like, “Don’t worry, I’ve been talking to Hank Green a lot”

[YoshiMario]

Greetings from México. I sincerely hope you can go out in the world and just enjoy all the wonder there is out there, and get the chance to share your joy. I've seen your videos for years and years and I'm glad you are still in the world. People care about you a whole lot.

[xkriolox]

I was in a motorcycle accident once when I was 13, I did felt this "being super taken care of" and it did felt weird not being the focus anymore... It felt quite good to know that others also feel that, and it's pretty okay liking to be taken care of