Sexless marriage: a breach of contract

Sexless marriage is a depressingly common phenomenon and not one that is well understood. My take is fairly unconventional, namely: refusing to have sex in an exclusive, monogamous relationship by unilateral decision is a form of cheating. This is because the “mono” in “monogamy” mean “one.” So cheating in monogamous relationships occurs when someone isn't having sex with one person – and fewer than one person is as much not one person as more than one person is. In this episode, I unpack some of the consequences of this understanding.

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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#psychology #marriage #relationship

[psychacks]

Sexless marriage is a depressingly common phenomenon and not one that is well understood. My take is fairly unconventional, namely: refusing to have sex in an exclusive, monogamous relationship by unilateral decision is a form of cheating. This is because the “mono” in “monogamy” mean “one.” So cheating in monogamous relationships occurs when someone isn't having sex with one person – and fewer than one person is as much not one person as more than one person is. In this episode, I unpack some of the consequences of this understanding.

Buy my book, "The Value of Others"

Book a paid consultation:


Social Media




Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:

Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com

Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#psychology #marriage #relationship

[jcnlaw]

As an experienced divorce lawyer (Pennsylvania and New Jersey), I can tell you that most of my divorce clients are in a sexless, loveless, “affectionless” marriage. They are nothing more than roommates who don’t even like or respect each other. No two cases are exactly alike, however the lack of physical intimacy is common. Sometimes it is many years since the parties just enjoyed each other’s company or touched each other in a caring manner. If anyone thinks that marriage is a guarantee to kindness and physical intimacy, you may be in for a rude awakening. The problem is that for many people, the exit costs of a bad marriage are exceedingly high, especially if there are minor children involved or if one spouse significantly outearns the other spouse. There are no easy answers other than to not get married. You can still have amazing intimate relationships without bringing state (divorce) laws into your life and finances.

[marriagecausesdivorce]

The problem with this video is that it can only be understood by reasonable and logical people. The other 50% of the population will have a meltdown if they have to take accountability for their failures. I expect plenty of shaming and disingenuous comments if this video goes viral.

[Sajidov]

A good way to explain this to someone is to take any other aspect of the relationship and have them imagine a husband telling his wife that she can only partake in that aspect with him while he simultaneously denies it to her for years on end.

An example is a husband who tells his wife she can ONLY go to him for emotional support, not friends, family, etc., while the husband completely ignores her and denies her any emotional support. Or where the husband says the wife can only do social things with him, and then he loses all interest in anything social and thus prevents her from socializing with other adults in any context. This would rightfully be thought of as abusive.

[Khan-rzqi]

Sex in a marriage is something as a man you really can’t argue. Speak to your wife about on it and she’ll desire you less, bring other people into it and they’ll likely tell you as a husband you’re just not “evolved” enough, or you’re being “domineering”. And truthfully, you can’t force her. It’s sad but my only advice to you fellas is to stop giving women exclusive monopoly over your sex lives through means of marriage. You can’t control women or what they do, but you sure can avoid putting yourself in such situations.

[moshehaleph]

Great video. I wholeheartedly agree. I've always said that when a wife refuses to have sex with her husband it is essentially a quiet divorce.

[Mattjohnson]

And when they do sleep with you they make it feel like it's a chore.

[bryangregory]

Imagine if a guy just said “sorry honey, I just don’t want to work anymore. And I don’t want to do any of the house work either. You should love me for who I am”. That’s the exact equivalent of

[DTheExpert]

Sex is the only thing that separates a couple from being merely roommates.

[gregorylatta]

I would say a man has a right to end a relationship for no sex. I agree it is a form of cheating. You don't have to leave but you can. This is always the case in reality.

[SirShiv]

A man's obligations in marriage are enforced by society AND the law.
A woman's obligations in marriage are considered a bonus by society and the law.

[DarylSimpson]

A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient

[biwan]

how is the following not a recipe for disaster:
1. sexless marriage
2. man feels entitled to go outside the bounds of monogamy (affair, corn, rent a professional)
3. woman ends the relationship because he cheated
4. all sympathies are extended to the woman and the man's reputation is destroyed
5. man loses the respect of his family and friends
6. the children grow up not living with their father

many men would live with the sexless marriage for the sake of his children

[SomeGuy-xfbc]

What is truly disgusting is that women are fully capable of willingly marrying someone they have no intention of ever having sex with again. They are extraordinarily pragmatic about their decision to marry and love frequently has nothing to do with the calculus. It's good to see more content creators calling out this behavior as the breach of contract that it is.

[amandajofisk]

The relationship is over when one of them doesn’t want sex. Why do they waste 5-10 years hanging around!

[doates]

If you want the privilege of a monopoly on meeting someone's need, you must accept the responsibility of satisfying 100% of that need.

[MichaelEdwardWright]

Divorce women for this. I thought I married a good traditional wife. After 15 years married she started locking me out. I did not get it elsewhere because then I would be as bad as her. After 10 more years of this, she divorced me and I ended up with 1/8th of our net worth typical in the womanist female supremacist family court.

[alteroxx]

I’m sorry but if a woman married you, and doesn’t have ssx with you… she married your property not you.

[melkerner]

It is devastating to the very foundation of your relationship. The withholder simply refuses to see the damage they are inflicting upon their relationship and their partner. My experience is that women still expect Monogamy, even when they refuse to touch you for years or decades. Forced celibacy, (essentially servitude) unless you simply agree to the terms to avoid bankruptcy, OR - go outside the marriage for the physical intimacy, sex and connection you need. 15 years isn't an "Ebb and flow" - It's a choice.

[tspice]

You can’t negotiate desire fellas. Cutting the grass won’t get her aroused. If you ain’t got it you ain’t got it, the theory is brilliant!