How to Deal with Passive Aggressive Friends and Family

How to Deal with Passive Aggressive Friends and Family / Dealing with toxic and unhealthy behavior like passive aggressive behavior from people can leave you feeling annoyed, hurt, and frustrated. Maybe someone is giving you the silent treatment or being super resistant. Here are the 4 things you need to do if you are dealing with passive aggressive people in your life.

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#PassiveAggressive #TessBrigham #LifeCoach

[coltmcguire]

Don’t use “I feel” with a narcissist though. Many times these can run together. Sometimes the passive aggressive person doesn’t know how to share their feelings. I find human beings exhausting.

[outpost]

What works for me is to remove these people from my life. I did that three years ago and no longer have any contact with my two brothers. Problem solved.

[universaltruth]

I think its more important to come from a place of loving & valuing yourself because by the time you feel like confronting someone, you are generally quite angry with them & its next to impossible to feel love for someone when you’re angry with them.

[Bingewatchingmediacontent]

One problem that I’m having is that my entire culture is based on passive aggressiveness. And so it’s really hard to live my life open and honest, as my family sees honesty and addressing things directly as an extreme attack. I’ve even had conversations with family members where they talk about how important it is to be able to read subtle clues and be able to understand the hidden meaning in everything everyone says or does, and act in kind. This kind of philosophy leads one to always be second guessing everything you say, and also everything everyone else says. Walking on eggshells your entire life causes constantly anxiety, and also makes one suspicious of everyone around you due to always assuming that everyone is actually making subtle rude comments. It’s also impossible to address these things directly because they’ll accuse you of 1. being the aggressor, and 2. being paranoid. It’s gaslighting at its finest. Starting around age 8 I started having extreme depersonalization because of all of the gaslighting in my family, and constantly being in trouble and punished for things I didn’t even know I was saying or doing wrong. I also got punished for telling the truth. I found that the less honest I was, the more peace and joy I had in life, so I started leading a double life at a very young age. I snuck around doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and then lying about it. As long as I continued to lie about it I never got into any kind of trouble. I was stealing money from my Mom, taking off on my bike to ride a couple of miles away to get cigarettes from the local bowling alley, and candy from the liquor store, and also shoplifting. I never told anyone about these things and was a secret smoker for 20 years. I also shoplifted until well into my 30s. I became a master of manipulating people into believing I was innocent and that what they saw in front of their eyes wasn’t actually happening. Just like my Mom, I was proud of getting away with this behavior as it made me feel smarter than other people. It never seemed like an issue to me as long as I lied about it and didn’t do it in public. I even had myself fooled. Until I got bronchitis and had to realize that I was addicted to cigarettes and it was affecting my health.

The sad part about all of this is that I didn’t even know I was such a manipulative person incapable of being honest until a sibling of mine moved in next door to me and it was clear that she was incapable of being honest or owning any of her behavior. When I tried to have honest conversations with her she saw that as an attack, then would gaslight me about what I was seeing and hearing right in front of my face. Being around her, I started to have a lot of the same depersonalization floating outside of my body living in a dream state feelings that I had as a kid. I knew that our conversations were laden with not so subtle insults back and forth, super unhealthy, and when I tried to stop this and call her and myself on it she would use my honesty against me and deny any part in the situation. Everything that I said would be used as fodder “Well you admitted to such and such. Want me to show you the text I saved?” And there was never any accountability for her part. When I decided to pull away from this relationship the personal attacks, manipulation, and neediness got worse.

I guess my question is, how does one undo the damage from an entire lifetime of this behavior, and how does one amicably remove oneself from these toxic situations authentically without causing a huge sh*tstorm?

[Debbie_Bcool]

Number 1 look at your self be aware. Most important one to me. I feel if I'm finding fault often in other's then I'm finding fault in myself. This has become a message for myself to be love. We can do this with boundaries in place.
Thank you for the reminder.

[susieblanco]

I’m dealing with that now.. a family member has been so passive aggressive that it’s INSANE.. no matter how nice, how respectful .. ANYthing is “disrespect”… & she literally only hurting herself

[deanwitt]

You can only ignore it for so long then you confront them and once you do that it’s all your fault and denial flows fast . You won’t resolve anything against some people when their issues are projecting on you .

[blitzkrieg]

Passive aggressive people are cowards. Why can't they just be straight up aggressive? I would have more respect for them if they were. They do this whole "pretending" thing while they are plotting your death, so that they don't look obvious and get called out. They are con artists.

[mariabenavidas]

Thank you, really enjoyed this...I heard it a few times before I sent it to my family. Great stuff!

[emeskyli]

Thank you so much Tess! really helpful! Good points didn’t hear in other video.

[grantaugustyniak]

I call these folks out asap ! It shocks them at first & then they don’t know what to say or you start to hear all the accuses- but then I put up my hand & say “ just stop “ and walk away. So can relate to the late friend- so what I did 1st was said “my time is just as valuable as yours” - apparently that wasn’t strong enough- so I would set a specific time to meet up & if she wasn’t there on the dot ( this is important) I just left & did not return their ever predictable phone call. And I mean if you say 1:00 & they are not there at 1:00 - LEAVE ! This finally got through to her & she was never late with me since.

[Heyithinkhejust]

My problem is that they’re aggressively stupid and it gets in the way of nearly anything I have to do to progress in stuff I care about. Doctor’s appointment? “Figure it out”, plugging the aux cord in? “Figure it out” on and on and on. Doesn’t matter what it is, if he can’t baby step you through it in the most demeaning and agonizingly disrespectful manor you won’t get any help at all. Super genius tactic. Really just taught me to not rely on him or get my hopes up for anything at all because it’s easier to have you expectations met as usual rather than a new surprise every time you try to take a step in another direction. Again pure genius. And yes I know I’m childish and demanding but I was the child in the relationship.

[marywhite]

Older sister (different father) iced me when I finally told her that a phone conversation has a give & take...a back & forth and after listening to her for awhile (hours at times) when I would try to comment, she would talk right over me, ignore that I even said anything and she would just continue with her long drawn out 'monologues'...I think it's a control issue for her...she wants me to cater to her compulsive need to monopolize the entire call or else risk being discarded by her. I mentioned to her that unless she was willing to share the conversation, that it was really not a conversation at all and asked her if she actually WANTED to talk WITH me?
Because it was more of an experience of her talking AT me...she would not be interested in any reaction other than a compliant "uh huh" from me to confirm I was still listening to her. I wondered to myself if this incessant nonstop diatribe was a compulsion and therefore pathological? Or, was this something we could negotiate to create a balance? She was quite aware she was doing it but would play the "age card" and say pitifully, "I guess I just haven't had anyone to talk to for awhile" but that was not true because she has 3 grown kids that call & visit her regularly and our other sister who apparently she does the same thing to so now they're not talking.
This continued in subsequent calls with her until I stopped her and told her we were going to need to set up some ground rules next time...that's the last I heard from her...it's been about a month...I called her today to ask if she was ok? And told her I knew I'd have to call her because she was too stubborn to call me after being honest with her about it...she responded, "No, but I have my reasons".
But didn't state them...
I could tell she didn't appreciate me trying to strike that balance with her and did not want to bother.
She faked it for a few minutes and when I mentioned my eye surgery which she had had herself before, and shared a few obstacles I was having, she feigned being helpful and suggested I "check the phone book".
"Good burn", I thought.
But I opened myself up for it...I just have a hard time accepting there is not more to her than that.
But she has made it clear that if I want to have contact with her that it will be a one-way street...or nothing at all...that I don't mean much of anything to her and that she doesn't care to mean anything to me either unless I 'play the game' and become her puppet/bobblehead.

[ericaperalta]

I JUST WENT NO CONTACT... WITH MY SISTER I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE FOR YEARS AND I HAVE BEEN AO VOULNABLE BUT SHE JUST NEVER DID HER PART WORKING THIS SISTER TO SISTER RELATIONSHIP.

[mishabeverly]

😂I wouldn’t be able to be friends with the person who needs punctuality with having a new baby! Punctuality out the window for me lately! But glad you can share how they can express that need!

[bitcarni]

The only issue I've had with confronting my parent about how she hurts me with what she says is that she will say "I can't say anything to you without you getting upset" which just isn't true. She won't confront or accept that it hurts me and refuses to take responsibility, is there any way to get around this?

[vsee]

Talking to them about it just makes them mad. If it is a family member, try to avoid set ups, have back up plans, grey rock and reduce exposure. Put hurtful comments in the " Crazy Column" or the " Who knows for behavior, who cares" column. They are usually people that you need to maintain a relationship with or you like them most of the time. It's ok to make a few allowances for a negative friend or family member you don't see very often.

[jondough]

I have brother who is constantly trying to make my life more difficult and break, destroy or ruin everything I like. I know the problem is not with me. I was hoping for a video that could help me deal with this person who I do not love at all since he would not allow me to eat, then tried to strangle me, flooded my room and valuables with draino "by accident" after an argument, threw away $1000s of dollars of my newly bought food over the past year claiming it was "expired" and that he was "looking out for my health." Well one day I found other items in the fridge that were expired by 4 years that he never touched. When I told him I liked bathing in the jetted tub and it's good for sore muscles and he should try it some time for his aches, he secretly turned off the jets in the middle of my bath the next day and kept them off for 6 months until my mother came over and wanted to use the tub. Then he announced he would turn the jets on for her. The hot tub was one of my only solaces in life and finding out he did that when telling everyone that I broke it is just vile. I was hoping for a solution because I have no choice but to live with this person and his passive aggressive actions never stop. If I get angry, I am a terrible person who makes my mother cry. My mother believes everything he does is an accident too even after being faced with glaring proof. She acts like I am doing things back to him but so far I have never retaliated. I will regularly confront him about the things he does and ask him to stop or be more considerate in a calm way until he says snide remarks which make me angry. Then I lose my temper and start yelling after he insults me and accuses of things as he is doing them me. Then my family blames me for everything. How can I keep from losing my temper while he keeps saying and doing nasty things to me? My parents take his side and refuse to acknowledge this behavior because he gives them money. When I give them things they also will not acknowledge it or downplay it if I press them. I don't understand why they are all behaving like this. I am trapped in this situation because I have nowhere else to go and I worry about my physical safety every day.

[CC-tvvk]

Hi I hope you can help me. My sister said to me that I'm a passive aggressive she said this months and months ago. And I don't get angry or anything like that but I do get it in a small sort of a way our mother passed away in 2021 and I took care of my mom for most of the duration because I lived with my mother at that time my sister had a bad relationship with us when she used to live downstairs because she couldn't get a boyfriend at the time. Now she is married and at the service for my mother she was crying her eyes out horribly because she used to treat my mother very bad because of her boyfriend relationships at the time meaning she's a grown woman but you know always hoping to get married. Anyway now when my mom was still alive she married a wonderful man and I don't know what to say she married a wonderful man now she has problems with him and I said oh yeah that's her but anyway like I said again when it came down to my mom's viewing and stuff like that she was just crying her eyes out she told me hey I feel so bad and this and that that's her issue hi I can sold her everything is cool we were like friends. But the fact is nowadays I am taking care of my mother's stuff she's not doing anything so every time she tells me something is going great for her I may shoot something down at her and I think I did it one too many times one night and she is a very vigorous person to where so on the defense. And she started calling me a passive aggressive I would be happy for her at one time and her husband but then I would find out little other things and it would piss me off. It would totally piss me off. So I would basically at that time blow up and speak my mind I never did that with her because I always walked on eggshells with her but this time I blowing it all out and then she calls me a passive aggressive she goes you're nothing but a passive aggressive b**** and all this other stuff you need help you're a passive aggressive no. I am not a passive aggressive maybe I have been to a certain little things that she threw out at me I'm not going to be happy for her spending my mom's money and they're going away on trips and stuff when I'm here trying keep the mortgage and everything up like that so of course maybe I was a passive aggressive but ever since she told me that and we had a big huge argument about it I have held in a lot of stuff telling her. After we made it up. And I will never do that to her again on purpose even though my feelings are so totally against what she's doing. To call me something like that is not good because I was sitting here with my mom I was paying for everything with my mother to make repairs to the home which her name was on that mortgage as well. Maybe that's why I was a little angry? But does that truly make me a passive aggressive? Cuz I don't think I am but then again I may think I could be I'm not sure but ever since that happened 5 months ago all I do is coddle her problems that she always has all the time well I'm sitting here trying to pay a mortgage I'm a chef and I work all day long thank God I have somebody here to take care of the rest of the stuff like my laundry and my yard work and stuff like that but I'm not the passive aggressive they're both on disability probably purposely and it's a joke it really is and but she called me that and she kept calling me that and calling me that and calling me that and actually I kind of took pride in it the next day I'm like yo does anybody know I'm a passive aggressive LOL hahaha but if I am it's only with her can you please help me try to answer that question thank you

[Lovelife]

The can insist on helping you with something then make passive aggressive digs about it for literally years afterwards . The perpetual victim.