Dating: when to tell someone you're autistic

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[MDev]

My experience is kinda unique because I never had to tell my partner. I hadn't been diagnosed or even thought about me being autistic until 2 years into our relationship, he started mentioning here and there that I take things very literally, I have a lot of sensory sensitivities, etc. And then he said, "I almost wonder if maybe you're autistic?" and that's the sole reason I dove full force into researching it and learning about myself and realizing he was DEFINITELY on to something. And it's helped our relationship SO much. We struggled a lot with arguing over tiny things, but it turns out it was because we were having daily miscommunications and that would cause 80% of our arguments. And another portion of them were caused by me unknowingly being in sensory overwhelm so I would be really on edge and irritable and he would be so confused about why I snapped at him seemingly out of nowhere. Now, we work to communicate more clearly and it's made SUCH a difference.

[scottdrury]

Living with an autistic brain means I had to learn how it works and how to manage it. Which puts me way ahead of most NT people, who tend not to consider how their brains function. In spite of this, we as autistic people are automatically considered to be defective.

[kt]

This is.

I just tell people im autistic.

Like it comes up. Like im aware that im awkward to be around. And i don't wanna feel bad about it. I'll feel bad about it if this person thinks I'm rude or mean or trying to upset them, but if they know whats up and they don't use that in the equation, they're the asshole.

Like telling people im autistic, at least in my head, immediately removes some of my burden to be normal and turns it into their burden to have empathy.

And if they don't like. We're not friends. And we're not gonna date.

[DiskSystems]

I'll usually tell someone on our first or second meeting. Some make me feel so comfortable, i'll have told them within an hour through a conversation.

[nonoovictoria]

thank you for sharing your experience! this also made me think more about my platonic relationships too and when I should tell them im autistic - tbh I'm an oversharer so I told most of my close friends when I got diagnosed. but I dont know if it was a good idea to be so open about it when I hadn't even fully processed it yet, since I wasn't able to fully articulate why this diagnosis was so fundamentally important for me and how it would affect/change my relationships.

[juangarcia]

oh. my. god. i love your sweater and i need one immediately, those colors are so incredibly satisfying

[Ordinary_NPC]

My girlfriend told me that after two weeks of dating (during that time she was in therapy) honestly She really impressed me with that fact that she does everything to run her life and I feel blessed that I can be beside her and support her ❤

[WishIKnewMyName]

This has become a big struggle for me. The first person I opened up to about it was my now ex partner. This was during the conversations of potential diagnosis with my therapist. After the diagnosis, she started saying things like “Should I even be dating someone like you? Is that even okay?” She also told me she didn’t think I had ASD because I “wasn’t THAT weird.” There’s plenty more but you get it. Now I’m terrified to open up to potential partners about it.

[Naturegirl]

Anytime I've told a new person that im autistic they ask me dumb questions. Ex. Are you like rainman? Are you good at math? Or they smirk and make rude and hurtful jokes at my expense around others. I spend mist of my time alone. I don't need nor deserve to be mistreated by anyone. Im making myself set boundaries and enforce them.

[rainbowazumarill]

I was never given an official diagnosis but it was speculated but never confirmed as a child that I could have had the outdated term "Asp****". Back in 2021, my ex's sister asked my ex if I was on the "special spectrum" and she straight up said she could never date someone on the spectrum because it sounded really difficult. It really really broke my self-esteem and worsened the already internalized ableism I had in my head over years of struggling with my self-esteem issues and struggling to find my own inner voice without it being overshadowed by my mother in particular. It's something I'm really working on combating. I'm in a much more stable relationship now, I opened up to my gf about my neurodiversity like a week or two before I asked her if she wanted to make it official (mostly out of fear from that past experience of being asked if I was on the spectrum), and she adores every aspect of me, quirks and all <3. This is just not something that I'm used to and I'm really trying to view myself the way other people who care about me most view me. It's not easy but I'm doing the best I can!

[miaharper]

Hi, I just found your chanel today by a random recomendation and I must admit that I've never felt so seen in my life. I can relate to so many things you have said not only in this video, but in the others I've seen so far. I feel quite emotional when I'm watching them.
I was and still am a little scared to watch your videos, mostly because I am not diagnosed yet (still waiting for the tests results) and I don't want to feel like "this is literally me for the past 21 years" and get a result that doesn't say that. But I just want to say thank you for puting this kind of content out here, even if I end up not being autistic, your videos helped me realized that there are people who struggle with the same and like-wise issues that I have struggled for quite some time, wich means a lot to me. It makes me feel not alone and that there isn't something essencially wrong with me. And sorry if my english is bad, it's not my first language.

(I've spent a couple of minutes doubting if I should comment this, I'm not used to be vulnerable or really saying my emotions, so it makes me uncomfortable, but I think that if I were you, I would like to know if my videos are helping people.)

[A.M.Lhistorica]

I wish I was neurotypical my life would be so much more happy and fulfilled I hate being labelled as autistic as people and society seem to treat people different or shun them from society because they are different

[DAM-qt]

When I go on a date I show up unmasked if the first leads to more dates and we are mutually hitting it off then Me being me is planting the seeds for them to learn about autism before I share it with them. As a female in my 30's it's exhausting to have so many disappointing conversations with people who aren't educated yet carry judgements or assumptions on the topic. I have a Google Doc I share with them, highlighting things of relevance and organically share more over time in the relationship. I've Been in abusive controlling relationships, where my Autism was used against me to deny my options, thoughts, ideas or feelings because to them they weren't real. It's very hard to be in relationships like this because you know the other person shouldn't treat you like this, but It's impossible to bring up because they can talk in a way that's all over the place, it gets overwhelming and confusing. And you are still left with the 1 thing you wanted to find a simple solution for but it never gets addressed. I'm sure these unhealthy relationships would have happened regardless of being autistic but it is possible that sharing I was autistic at the beginning is why these abusive ex's dated me. ( diagnosed as a child, was nonverbal until age 4, will often go mute in distress, .)

[lauras.]

I can relate to a lot of your dating experience, especially when undiagnosed!
Thanks for sharing, I am so happy I found your channel!
I’m looking forward to your videos every week, because it’s like a safe space where I feel seen…which is not something that happens a lot in everyday life, if at all..

Ps.: I think your eyes look really beautiful in this video 🧡

[Ecable]

Thank you for your content. It’s been super helpful for me ❤ It’s also such a relief to know I’m not alone.

[A.M.Lhistorica]

Soon as I tell anyone which is normally after a bit of time has passed I’ve always been given the cold shoulder and rejected even though before I mentioned it they enjoyed being with me seems like a vicious cycle for me 😔

[kellkelles]

I just stumbled across your channel after searching high and low about articles (not videos) about dating someone who is neurodiverse. I recently connected with a wonderful woman who is kind, smart, and just so interesting. When she disclosed her be ND, I wanted to know more about her and I feel like what I should have done is some homework. Because she said she did not feel different from anyone else AND I never would have guessed her diagnosis, I continued in my uninformed NT ways. Unexpectedly communication has stopped I was/am confused. It is so early on that I really do not want to give up hope yet. I don’t know her well enough to say but I believe she is in a shutdown. And I feel guilty to have asked some questions but always with no pressure to answer. I just want her to know she’s in my thoughts. I am personally struggling to know IF she would reach out or IF I should, not knowing her shutdown patterns. I’m going to give her two weeks of time and space. I hope she reaches out.

[VeXxMalsana]

My last relationship ended in a very sour way and I was still thinking about whether I was autistic or not (I already knew i had ADHD). She said that she didn't need to deal with my ADHD/Austic and it has really hit me hard (she broke up because of many reasons, not only this. When I decide that I'm ready to go out with someone again, I want to tell her right away because I really don' want to be with someone that don't accept me as I am ever again (and it's better to gauge this right away so I won't attach to the wrong person again)

[GabrielaGish]

Oh my god, thank you for making this video . I have been dating someone for a while . I was diagnosed last year and I can’t bring myself to tell them out of fear of them breaking up with me. I have no idea what to do or how to gather the courage 😢

[brandonlind]

I just tell people straight up immediately if its relevant, I feel it stops a lot of misunderstandings and internal drama